lean on sheena

what a good song, I've been listening to it for like 7 hours now. we should play this it's such a good jam

Everything is dumb.

I wrote a really long, complicated, drawn out story here about how I'm sick of people hating on arguing then getting into really long arguments so I'll keep it short.

Everyone's a god damn liar about everything and I'm just as guilty as everyone else as well (not about arguing, I hate confrontation, always have [for obvious reasons], so I avoid them at all costs)

Last night was a fucked up dream

Wow. It was one long dream of me realizing my mortality, but the point of the dream was that I knew that I was going to be dead within a week, but it could happen at any second within that week.

So the entire dream was me making plans of what happens to me when I die, what happens at the funeral, and what happens after. With people telling me like "yep, got the casket picked out, got the plot and everything already done for ya"

So within the dream I'd feel this incredible sense of being tired, so as I was falling asleep in the dream, I'd think I was actually dying then try to snap myself back awake because I didnt want to go yet.

I was the only person who was upset about my impending death, while everyone else was just going on about their merry way, just writing me into their calender for when they needed to see me off. Friends, family, strangers, all the same reaction that I'd be dead anytime soon.

I think my dream was just one big metaphor for how death really works, that in the small picture it's important, but other than that I'm not really important at all.

The last thing I remember was sitting up against some brick wall near my old school crying, then getting picked up by someone whose face I couldnt make out, giving me a hug telling me that I'd be ok.

God this whole day has been really depressing trying to get over this dream

What's mothers day supposed to be like

when you have a normal mother, one who didn't true to sabotage your entire childhood, making you try to feel guilty for everything wrong with their fucked up life?

Being blamed for everything when you're not even 10 years old is kind of a big endeavor to be handed. It's amazing that I don't have the balls to tell her the truth only because the consequences of my wanting to be honest will only result in more damage.

PS: The solace I've found in this show aimed at young children still blows my mind

what are you supposed to do

when nothing ever works the way you want it to

when no one treats you how you'd like to be treated

when people treat you like shit, and in your retaliation treat you more like shit and blame you for the whole thing?

when the person whom you have stupid amounts of feelings for wants nothing to do with you other than keeping a good friendship

I talk about how I care more about other peoples shit than my own, which is why I always put off my shit until I help with other peoples stuff first. I simply don't care about myself enough.

Yet that alone gets me in trouble, when you don't tend to yourself you forget how vulnerable you are after a while.

Hoping sleep does me well (It wont)

It's interesting

emotions set in, leave, and then others come in and do the same thing.

It all happens so fast, I don't even know who I am

What

I.

what

huh