Dear Life,

Bring it you fat whore. I'm not taking your bullshit anymore

Un-fucking-believable

I literally catch no breaks, at all, for any reason, ever. And after this eventually gets read I'll probably get more shit from people. It doesn't end I think.


It upsets me that I try to care for a family that literally treats me like shit at every turn, it's like they need a person to beat up on and because all I do is attempt to appease, I fit the role perfectly.

And no matter what I do, every situation that has 2 possible outcomes literally always leaves me looking like the bad guy


Me questioning a passive aggressive piece of shit? I'm the douche bag for "inciting" it.
I become the passive aggressive piece of shit? Then I'm just an asshole and "Always" treat people bad.

So you know what, fuck you. I've put up with your fucking attitude for 4 years, 4 years of me TRYING to make things good, but you know, I'm not perfect and I have more things in my life to worry about than your feelings if you aren't even going to respect mine... and I'm not going to bother with it anymore, don't even bother trying to abuse something that doesn't belong to me in order to "prove a point". Don't call me out on "Treating you like shit" if you're going to keep doing it to me to every single time I see you. I thought we were literally past this since we just talked about how you thought I was fucked up for doing it. Is this revenge mode, your "gotta make it even" mode? Jesus why do I even bother trying to keep the peace when all it does is bite me in the ass each time. I still remember when you shit your pants because I gave someone else more money for their birthday than I did for yours ahahaha.

I love how the "Birthday Logic" applies to everyone's birthday but my own. That might be the only upsetting thing really. I don't care if friends don't bring me hordes of gifts, money, or even cards for that matter, I just get sad when I hear "oh it's their birthday it's ok" yet on mine I don't get to play that card :( ?

Actually I take that back a bit, I get upset at not being thanked for anything "generous" I do, but when I'm not generous I'm an asshole. (I can count 3 times of one particular event that I won't talk about here) It's just one of those things where....no I don't expect to be showered with praise or anything like that, but I like recognition...


And non-platonic relationships, my goodness I'm not even gonna start on that one here. Thanks for listening blogger I'm gonna go back to my hard rock now.

How do you even compare?

2010:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hXO1v7OEpc

1989:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEL6_SuQCu8

is 22 years a long time? My goodness yes but...it's just not the same

No one's voice and demeanor stays the same forever, but the same drive in the 80s just isn't there in how they play now...

Do I say retire? No. But man, listening to their live shows from the last year compared to shit from over 20 years ago, I don't understand how they've gotten more and more boring to listen to.

I've probably watched that Seattle video a thousand times, hell I own the damn DVD, it's probably one of my favorite live performances ever.



A great friend recently made me consciously aware that I like what everyone else likes so nothing I listen to ever conflicts, and although it's not the entire idea, it's pretty much the truth. I don't like conflict, and getting told "your music sucks" over and over has gotten so tiring to the point where I don't even feel like standing up for myself for any reason. If all standing up for myself is going to do is provoke more anger for the music I like, what's the purpose in even arguing?

Do I generally like the music everyone else likes? Yeah because I'm not picky in my music. I always ask people what they like and I listen to it, and if I think it's good I'll just add it to my list of ever growing music. I can pretty much confidently say I probably have a wider array of genres, artists, and songs in my itunes library than most people (I may not have heard EVERY song in my 8k song library, but I've listened to every artist in it).

So do I have music on my library that I listen to that most people would argue "sucks"? Absolutely. I just don't play it all the time because I KNOW the majority of people would not want to listen to it.

I like the top of the charts radio top 200 bullshit, I like bands that pretty much no one has ever heard of. It's standings in relation to others means nothing to me. Influences mean nothing to me. I once wore a rise against shirt and some girl told me to listen to some band because it sounded just like rise against, went home found them and listened and it sounded like them but at the same time sounded absolutely retarded.

I dunno what the purpose of this is, I was just going through some old metallica and realized that I don't know why I don't stand up for my music. Is it because I'm lame, or is it because I'm not passionate enough, or is it because it shouldn't matter why I like something? Who knows

I'm lazy and don't want to study anatomy, peace out blogger

Thanks for having confidence in me

I appreciate not being cast aside because I'm shitty

I said I'd put my personal problems aside

but fuck it, this has been going on as long as I can even think.


I do my fucking hardest to respect the will of every. single. person who has me in their home.


When I drop off Zack, I'm quiet taking his drums inside his house

When I go to Jonathan's I keep the swearing down and try not to yell too loud

when I go to Omar's, I don't stop on the floor and act like a jackass in front of his mom

When I go to Bryan's, again I don't make a lot of noise

When I go to Lawrences, I do my absolute hardest to avoid being blasphemous

When I go to Cameron's I'm polite his mom, I don't swear, and I just act decently overall

When I've gone to Mitchell's, I'm polite and try not to act loud and obnoxious



Do you know why? It's called respect. I respect you people, and when I'm in your home, I act like I'm supposed to. Why is it that I have to feel like Rodney Dangerfield here?


I feel like my words fall on all deaf ears except for one person, and since I know this person reads this you know you are, and thank you, words really can't describe what it means when someone actually listens to me.


Is it so hard to just follow 3 rules: Be quiet, don't leave doors open, pick up after yourselves.


I don't think I'm asking for a lot, but then I have people leaving god damn trash everywhere, smoking with every door into my house fucking open, and just being really rude to my grandma's house.

I'm not quiet because I WANT TO BE QUIET, I'm quiet because I respect her. She's put up with so much of my bullshit and my dad's bullshit, being that she's 76 years old, raised 4 kids pretty much on her own, and had to deal with a wave of bullshit that culminated in my childhood, I think it's nice let her have a peaceful night's rest.

And you know what, I don't think I need to be upfront about everything, I think the majority of us know how we act to know what is and what is not OK from what's been said, I really don't think things need to be fucking written out for everyone.

If my only desires of the people in my house are asking too much, then I don't know what to say. I'm just not comfortable with this in my home. Hell I'm not even comfortable in other places unless the person is 100% ok with it. If I'm not doing something, it's not necessarily because I DONT want to, it's because I care about what others want in their homes.

I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything anymore. The more I write the sadder I get thinking that no one in general really gives two shits about me or my opinions, and to boot the dark creepy loneliness just sets in, so I'm just gonna stop and go to sleep. Sleep is the only thing that doesn't judge me these days. Goodnight

Kind of amazing how fragile life really is

This is an idea that I actually struggle with everyday, considering the only thing that keeps me going is my...will to basically NOT be dead. I complain a lot about a bunch of shit, and always wonder what kind of burden I am on people, and why people even like me sometimes.


But then something like this comes along and all of a sudden none of it matters. Out of all of the people younger than me that I actually knew, I can't imagine it to be Doug of all people. Even if our interaction was solely through debate, it was still a ton of fun.

I decided to search for him in the few albums that I actually have that you'd be in, and somehow there's not ONE picture Doug.


I think I'm just going to outwardly complain less. I don't know why I feel so shitty when shit like this happens to people all the time. I hate when people tell me "Don't complain, because there's someone who is worse off than you", and I still do because it's a gigantic logical failure, but for the moment I do feel that I'll just leave my own problems alone


I will not use trite expressions like RIP or anything like that, because they're nothing other than feel good words that are the socially acceptable thing to say. On the other hand I will say that I hope his family recovers quickly and recovers well....because I don't think I could do it.

Introversion

As I sit here doing my psych homework, late as usual, I've come to a sad conclusion. I'm pretty much the most introverted person I know...(unless I go and drink and end up talking to every person I see for some reason lol)

Yet I've grown so fond of the circle of friends I do have, that in that I don't feel it at all...

But trying to talk to new people doesn't necessarily make me nervous or apprehensive, I just choose not to because I don't want to go through all of the bullshit anymore.

With everyone I know that I've known for going on 8 years now (shit...wow) I'm pretty sure I've gone through all sorts of ups and downs to get to where we are now. Of course that's how the dynamics of relationships (platonic or romantic) play out, but I don't know how much I can take in my current state of mind.

My god I mean I can't even get past myself thinking of all of the consequences of every word I say to let myself ask someone out on a date, I'm already thinking 3,4,5 steps down the road from when I ask a question. Before I even ask a question about that (or anything for that matter) I contemplate "What if they say no, what's our relationship going to be like after I say something, what will happen if they say yes, where do I go from there, how do I not look stupid, I probably look stupid sitting here thinking about not wanting to look stupid"...you can see how this gets me no where in a hurry


Everyday I tell myself that depression goes away, do something today that you didn't do the day before, try to make today better than yesterday, but my god it just doesn't work for me. The whole American ethic of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps is a lame notion that just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I do my best to try, but again I ask you white blog page, is it a whole lot to hope that someone can just see that you're hurting/in need without having to ask, and fix it? I can't fix myself anymore obviously, all I do is making everything worse with anything.


I'd probably be better off not around, who knows what keeps me going or how I'm even alive to begin with. I was going to write I wonder how I'm so lucky, but I realized I don't even know what I'm lucky for other than existing these days