I'm sorry

For being such a dick

But please though, for the love of god stop pushing my buttons on everything. If you want more than a basic answer ask more than a basic question. Don't get mad when you ask something that has a simple response, expecting something more meaningful if you didn't start it out to begin with.

For example, "What's race"

I can only take so much shit before I just start yelling.

I'm sorry, I really am, but I'm not taking 100% blame for my own anger if you're just trying to piss me off.

Dear Bass

I just picked you up and played a line that lasted 10 fucking minutes and was pretty decent

where did you come from?

Not the way I wanted it to end up

but I regret nothing.

kinda called it

Well, fuck.

This is it

7 minutes ago I was driving home. I got to Orangewood and Valley View, and waited at a red light.


The arrow turned green.

As I go to make my turn, a red Porsche probably doing 100 decides to run the red at the same time, in the far right lane. I see nothing but high beams literally in my face as I turn, and I thought to myself as I try to maneuver, "So, that's it"

And in some miraculous luck, the car literally drives RIGHT past me...inches away from the very front of my car. I don't even understand how I'm here right now. It's like something out a movie, my car should've been absolutely wrecked....and so should I

And as I pulled into my drive way, nerves a tad shot, I thought to myself, I didn't scream, and didn't panic that hard, the only thing that decided to pain me was my heart filled with about 20 gallons of nothing but regret. My life didn't necessarily "Flash before my eyes" but I felt for about a fraction of a second regret for not accomplishing anything.


I have so many emotions to express to people, but I'm so afraid of saying of them for fear of driving them away. I can't take it anymore, although it doesn't make any sense, I don't know if I could live with myself without some things being out in the open.


I'm not naming names, but you all probably can figure it out


Person A: I don't understand what's wrong. We talk and talk, I feel like you're a brother. But I feel I've been wronged, and I can't tell you because you're just going to take it back out on me, or blame someone else for your emotions. You tell me you hate people giving you shit and excuses, and that you want me to never change, I want you to do the same. Stop blaming so many external causes and straight up tell me what's bothering you. I've told you you can't offend me by telling me the truth, and as cliche as it sounds, it hurts more to have you not tell me anything. I talk about it with everyone but you in an attempt to understand you. I don't talk behind your back if you want to call it that, I talk to people to try and understand what's wrong. I'm scared, none of this makes sense to me. I don't understand what I've done to anyone these days, and yet everyone treats me like a mat, and I just take it. I know you know how I feel, just...don't leave me :(

Person B: How have we grown so distant? What the fuck happened. The sad part is I think we both know it and can't fix it. Maybe time will? I don't know. Shit you don't even read this and I know that because we don't even talk anymore. At one point I considered you one of my best friends, yet it's like I don't exist anymore. I swear the only reason we even got close is that I was the only one that started to talk. You just talked to me first. The pictures are still in my glove compartment I'd like you to know.

Person C: You drive me crazy, in a good way? It just makes me sad that I don't know if I can ever tell you what I want to tell you, about you. Is it fear of dejection? Is it fear of everyone else? Do I not want to make you run for the hills? To be honest, as much as I've thought about it, I CAN'T even answer this question. Whether I know the reasoning for it or not, you're one of the last people who genuinely makes me happy. And I'm probably crazy for thinking so much about it, but really I've got nothing left to lose....so why dont I just outright say it? I...wow over a blog it's still scary for me to do. Even writing this to you probably won't make a bit of difference, you'll just end up hating me and I'll be right in the end probably :|

Person D: I'm sorry I'm a terrible _____. I try every single day to help make changes in your life, but I guess I don't matter as much as I'd hoped for you to stick around as long as you can. All of the shit you do to yourself hurts me more than you think. Every. single. day. I think to myself what I'll do when you're not there for me anymore. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Not a day goes by where I don't worry about you...I don't think you could worry me any more than you already do unless you started shooting heroin or some shit. I ask you every day what do you want me to do to help you, but I guess you just don't care. Because even though nothing drives me anymore, I still take care of myself in the hopes that one day something will. I couldnt live with myself letting my body go to such waste.

All I am is a big hypocrite who I guess can't do what he preaches.

Sometimes I wish a lot of things would've stopped me from existing. I don't even understand what pushes me at all. Diabetes will fucking bankrupt me if I don't get at least a mildly successful career. Who is going to want anything to do with me anyway? There's nothing about me that anyone would like: I'm not attractive, I'm not that outgoing, I'm not that great at anything, I literally do nothing but make people mad at me. And when I try to get someone to feel something for me, or hope that someone would feel something for me, it's like I'm the douchebag for wanting affection from
someone.


I'm tired of these late nights, what does a guy have to do to get some good feelings around here?

I need a shower I'm not sleeping tonight

So I've kind of come to a realization

I feel like...I'm here to satisfy a lot of needs, and get a lot of things done, and make a lot of people "happy" with things they like. Yet none of them involve me if that makes sense.


Music for one thing. I think I've only been able to fully convey the difficulty of the task at hand with recording music, and as hard as I'm trying I'm failing; crashing and burning. I've been up 3 fucking days almost straight trying to master the art of sound. Am I happy with my turnout? No fucking way, everything could be so much better....but I have no training, I've literally taught myself everything I know about this....but people make full on careers out of doing this. I try not to take it personally, but when you've got a guy going "Oh god this sounds absolutely terrible, what the fuck is wrong with the sound?" You take it and try to move on, but that's something I've created, that sound is more than just the recording, it's me in there too, it's me applying what I know to make it sound "good", and I feel like it's a part of me.


It kind of hurts to have something you tried your best on ripped apart over and over and over without even commenting on it sounding "better" than last time :(

Is it "constructive criticism"? You could argue that. But jesus murphy...cut me some god damn slack. I can't even convey in words my absolute disgust at hearing the words oh so nonchalantly "Do we just need a new sound engineer? I'm sure we could find one". I don't think anything has ever been so close to making me want to scream.


You work your ass off, you try to make people happy, you do everything you know and then some, the proverbial 110%. And it's not good enough. Nothing is good enough for anyone.

I try as hard as I can to make EVERYONE else happy,that I don't even know how to make myself happy anymore. Without sounding emo or depressed I just feel broken. And all that's there is myself to pick up my own pieces, but I want help, I write about it all the time but I really want someone there that can help me pick myself up. I'm tired of doing things on my own, there's so much on my plate that I can't get at anything.


I'm sorry I'm such an awful musician.
I'm sorry I have such a poor taste in music.
I'm sorry that I'm not good enough and I fall short of all expectations
I'm sorry I'm like a broken record and repeating my wants over and over
But somethings just don't go away. Who's there for me?


PS: When I say I spent like 6 hours learning, it was more like 25-30. I've been up since the 21st, spending most of that absorbing and learning as much as I could. I feel like Spongebob when he became a waiter.

PPS: I'm probably going say something that I'll regret within the next couple weeks, but it has to get off my chest. I hope you guys are right and that I don't hurt myself doing this, but sometimes you have to just go with what you hope is good and not what others think is good for you. I've asked for help my whole life and I make too many judgments on other opinions. I don't know how many decisions I've truly came to the conclusions 100% on my own.

guess I'll find out?

Dear Mother

As I have just remembered a dark time in my past, I'm going to open it up here.

Oh where to begin..



You beat me, mentally destroyed me, burned me, choked me, used me for your benefits, and at its very essence, broke me.

How is an 8 year old supposed to react to "You piece of shit, get out of my house, you make me sick to my stomach" when you just wanted a parent to give you a hug from a bad day at school?

I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, or know more than any of the 3 people who look at this, or even act like I'm better but realistically:

-Have you ever been physically beaten by a parent verbally or physically every single day of your waking life for nearly 12 years?
-Have you ever wanted to just leave home, and not just "run away" I literally mean leave, and hope that being homeless works out well?
-Have you ever wished you didn't exist because at least your "mother" would be better off?
-Have you ever been afraid of fucking coming home, and taking as much time getting there because you knew something was going to destroy your soul the moment you got home?
-Did you have a safe house you could sneak out to when your mom was on a rampage breaking all of the things you loved? (Why else did I have 4 fucking SNES's...)


Well years 4-12~ were essentially this. No matter what happened, I was on the chopping block for her fucked up mentality. I have a scar somewhere on my left arm from her putting a cigarette out because I was "acting out". I've been choked to near unconsciousness because she thought it was funny, I've been verbally abused to the point where I take EVERY insult very very personally (In jest or not, everything hurts me. I just try not to show it). I've been kicked around, I've been kicked out of a car three miles from my house and forced to walk home.

You know that feeling of adrenaline when you see something scary? Imagine that everytime you walked home from school and saw your front door...



How is a small child supposed to feel about being insulted when every insult growing up was a stab at who they were, how "awful" they were, and how shitty their lives had become because we exist?

My dad got the right idea divorcing her stupid ass for being a giant slut. She had such a good life, no work, and a husband bringing home around 4-6 grand a month? She had everything she could've wanted, but she chose to be a fucking whore.

Too bad his leaving left me and my sister to grow up in that piece of shit house. Sure he cared about us, but what could he do legally? HE left HER. sigh...


She went through tons of boyfriends, all of which were pitiful excuses for human beings. Let me start with real stories now

Boyfriend A: Don't remember how or what led to this, but she thought it would be really funny if she could impress him some more by making him laugh. So she called me out, told me to hold my head against a 2" thick sliding glass door, which she then kicked with full force into my face. I don't remember much besides sprinting to my room in blinding agony. Every single muscle and bit of tissue on my face was just in blinding pain. I came out like 2 hours later calmed down, maybe thinking I'd upset her somehow and was going to apologize to her, instead her boyfriend pointed and laughed and said, and I'll never forget "WOW LOOK AT THE LITTLE FUCKS FACE! NICE GOING BABY!" and they just laughed...and laughed...and laughed.

So I took my dad's screwdriver to that fucker's tires and popped all of them. Then took my t-ball bat and annihilated his right fender, and would've done more damage but he heard me and broke up with my mom on the spot.

Boyfriend B: Basically had a total bitch for a daughter. Was a year older than me and thought she could get away with murder. One day my mom, boyfriend, and daughter all went out for the weekend (yeah go figure, my own mom wouldnt give enough shit about me to consider me to want to go on a trip somewhere). Trashman came on monday, they came on tuesday. The daughter had been abusing me the same way my mom had for about a month because she figured she could get away with it(she did). So I decided to take all of her shit and put it on the curb. Bed. Mattress. Clothes. Dresser...anything that wasnt bolted down was getting fucking trashed. I got as much food as I could, grabbed my phone, bolted my windows, and just sat there waiting for them to come home to see her precious new "daughters" shit GONE. I fled the house at night for about a week to my best friend, when I came home they had broken up and it was like nothing ever happened which was weird.

Boyfriend C: Basically knocked my ass around and threatened me to never say anything to anyone, on grounds of...i dont even remember it's blocked from my mind. Mom didn't care, was too afraid to tell anyone because I thought he was omnipotent. So I figured since everyone hated me, there was no use in having two people who hated me. Slowly overtime I began to get rid of all of his things from my house. And I remember seeing a picture in a heart frame that was two pictures cut together to make their picture the "heart" one of the pictures was a family photo from when I was two and her and dad were still together....we were both cut out so boyfriend and her were in and no one else.

It was the first time I remember being both upset and completely heartbroken. I'd been abused and screamed at countless times, but I had never been CUT from something. I don't remember much from that day after something in me snapped. I barricaded myself in my room with that picture just sobbing for days. When I finally came out during the day, he was there and he said to me another sentence I'll never forget, "So you fat little shit are you done trying to fuck things up for me?" The last thing I vividly remember was my t-ball bat (again, gotta love the thing, I still have it somewhere) hitting him as hard as I could in his knee before I took off over my ladder int he backyard to my friends house. Where I again hid for a while.

When I came home, it was the first time my mom grabbed me by the neck and choked me until I almost passed out. Apparently she got a kick out of that so she kept doing it...

Which eventually transformed into kicking, and around 7th grade was punching me in the back of the head as hard as she could...

Which turns into my favorite revenge story. Back in 7th grade I remember doing some ridiculous amount of homework for Ms. Yang's awful class. And I had a huge CRT monitor and a brand new computer. I vividly remember seeing her trying to sneak up on me to hit me. So I led her on thinking she could have her good ol' time with the back of my head...

So once I saw the wind up and the punch, I moved and dodged that shit like the matrix making her lose all her balance. Grabbed the stupid cunt by the neck, threw her dumbass against the glass door she kicked me on, and proceeded to hit her as hard as I fucking could. Dropped her to the ground while was she coughing and crying her eyes out. Got real close and screamed "DO NOT. FUCK. WITH ME."

And it stopped. She never said anything to me after that, acted like we were buddy buddy, and like it was all ok, as if nothing ever happened. Then I found a bunch of Speed in her closet, and told the counselors about it, and she got arrested and I never had to go back to that hellhole...


And you know the part that fucking kills me to this day? She acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. Like she never did anything wrong by me, and that I was taken from her because she had one mess up.

***I'll never be able to fully embrace someone because I'm scared of getting my ass beat, every "quick" action makes me flinch (you should know me, and have noticed this by now)
***I can never take a compliment or an insult because I'm afraid of their being a deep seated hatred. I've lost many people over the years who have "hated" me, I don't know how much more I can take.
***I can never tell anyone how I feel about them, how much I care about them, how much I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how much I care about them (whether it be a friendship or romantic), because I'm so scared of pushing anyone away because I can't deal with anymore bullshit in my life.

My mom tells me how much she wants me to help her with this and that, and how close we are now, and how she wants things to be "different" between us, but can't even apologize to me for how she fucked me up.


So... Dear Mom,

Hope you've had a great life, because you've broken mine.
Thanks to you I'll never be able to fully embrace who I could've been or who I even am.
To all the booze, all the cigarettes, all the drugs, and all your bullshit.
For the beatings, the bruises, the burns, and my broken soul.
For all of of the hopes that I had that you'd accept me
For all the damage you caused

I will never love you.

If you were to die tomorrow, my only regret is that I couldn't make you feel even half as bad as you have made me feel.

With all do respect, please disappear, if I never saw you again it would be too soon. You were not, and will never be my "Mom"


I need a shower, that was too much anger for one sitting. If you have anything to say go ahead, I do enjoy responses.