Emotions are wacky

It's crazy how 2 days can make you fall right back into the same self-loathing attitudes you had throughout all of high school. And no matter how much you can look and say "Dude don't do the same thing" You do the same thing, and the same result happens.

I guess I really am the definition of Insanity, doing the exact same thing expecting different results. Dunno maybe it's just some hope lies somewhere about something somehow. Who knows, When it comes to everything else I try to look at the positive side of it, but with myself I always put myself down before everyone else.

No matter how much I want that Queen song to be true (or even that Cheap Trick song), it never will be, I hate myself.

Another thing, it's an interesting new feeling to feel alone while in a group of the best people ever at the same time, it's like an inner clique of a clique that you aren't apart of because of some silly circumstances. I try and be responsible while studying 30 hours a week and it lands me here, a place where no one really likes me or has a shred of respect for me, and a place where I'm not even getting A's in all of my classes. But hey what are you gonna do, I made the choice to do my best in school and if this is the sacrifice that I have to make, then so be it. I can't just cruise through this like I hoped.

Screw this, I do whatever I can to please people, yet all it does it make me feel miserable. I swear no one cares about me but me, yet I don't even care about myself. It's funny, you do whatever you can for as many people as you can, yet I never found anyone to throw me the rope. I give up, what point is there in hoping about anything, my own family puts me through such trivial bullshit too.

Fuck picking yourself up by your own bootstraps, god damn shitty American Work ethic that applies to everyone but me apparently

Green Car

I'm glad this money sink is gone...but I am going to kind of miss it. I've had some good memories in that car.

And some bad ones, like when I found out the girl who I was madly crazy about told me she wanted nothing to do with me, in my car, in my passenger seat, staring directly into my eyes. Sigh

Quite enough good times in that car though, I'd like to think so.

Not much else to say here

PS, stop judging me on what I eat, jesus christ just let me enjoy my fucking food.

Dear Life,

Bring it you fat whore. I'm not taking your bullshit anymore

Un-fucking-believable

I literally catch no breaks, at all, for any reason, ever. And after this eventually gets read I'll probably get more shit from people. It doesn't end I think.


It upsets me that I try to care for a family that literally treats me like shit at every turn, it's like they need a person to beat up on and because all I do is attempt to appease, I fit the role perfectly.

And no matter what I do, every situation that has 2 possible outcomes literally always leaves me looking like the bad guy


Me questioning a passive aggressive piece of shit? I'm the douche bag for "inciting" it.
I become the passive aggressive piece of shit? Then I'm just an asshole and "Always" treat people bad.

So you know what, fuck you. I've put up with your fucking attitude for 4 years, 4 years of me TRYING to make things good, but you know, I'm not perfect and I have more things in my life to worry about than your feelings if you aren't even going to respect mine... and I'm not going to bother with it anymore, don't even bother trying to abuse something that doesn't belong to me in order to "prove a point". Don't call me out on "Treating you like shit" if you're going to keep doing it to me to every single time I see you. I thought we were literally past this since we just talked about how you thought I was fucked up for doing it. Is this revenge mode, your "gotta make it even" mode? Jesus why do I even bother trying to keep the peace when all it does is bite me in the ass each time. I still remember when you shit your pants because I gave someone else more money for their birthday than I did for yours ahahaha.

I love how the "Birthday Logic" applies to everyone's birthday but my own. That might be the only upsetting thing really. I don't care if friends don't bring me hordes of gifts, money, or even cards for that matter, I just get sad when I hear "oh it's their birthday it's ok" yet on mine I don't get to play that card :( ?

Actually I take that back a bit, I get upset at not being thanked for anything "generous" I do, but when I'm not generous I'm an asshole. (I can count 3 times of one particular event that I won't talk about here) It's just one of those things where....no I don't expect to be showered with praise or anything like that, but I like recognition...


And non-platonic relationships, my goodness I'm not even gonna start on that one here. Thanks for listening blogger I'm gonna go back to my hard rock now.

How do you even compare?

2010:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hXO1v7OEpc

1989:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEL6_SuQCu8

is 22 years a long time? My goodness yes but...it's just not the same

No one's voice and demeanor stays the same forever, but the same drive in the 80s just isn't there in how they play now...

Do I say retire? No. But man, listening to their live shows from the last year compared to shit from over 20 years ago, I don't understand how they've gotten more and more boring to listen to.

I've probably watched that Seattle video a thousand times, hell I own the damn DVD, it's probably one of my favorite live performances ever.



A great friend recently made me consciously aware that I like what everyone else likes so nothing I listen to ever conflicts, and although it's not the entire idea, it's pretty much the truth. I don't like conflict, and getting told "your music sucks" over and over has gotten so tiring to the point where I don't even feel like standing up for myself for any reason. If all standing up for myself is going to do is provoke more anger for the music I like, what's the purpose in even arguing?

Do I generally like the music everyone else likes? Yeah because I'm not picky in my music. I always ask people what they like and I listen to it, and if I think it's good I'll just add it to my list of ever growing music. I can pretty much confidently say I probably have a wider array of genres, artists, and songs in my itunes library than most people (I may not have heard EVERY song in my 8k song library, but I've listened to every artist in it).

So do I have music on my library that I listen to that most people would argue "sucks"? Absolutely. I just don't play it all the time because I KNOW the majority of people would not want to listen to it.

I like the top of the charts radio top 200 bullshit, I like bands that pretty much no one has ever heard of. It's standings in relation to others means nothing to me. Influences mean nothing to me. I once wore a rise against shirt and some girl told me to listen to some band because it sounded just like rise against, went home found them and listened and it sounded like them but at the same time sounded absolutely retarded.

I dunno what the purpose of this is, I was just going through some old metallica and realized that I don't know why I don't stand up for my music. Is it because I'm lame, or is it because I'm not passionate enough, or is it because it shouldn't matter why I like something? Who knows

I'm lazy and don't want to study anatomy, peace out blogger

Thanks for having confidence in me

I appreciate not being cast aside because I'm shitty

I said I'd put my personal problems aside

but fuck it, this has been going on as long as I can even think.


I do my fucking hardest to respect the will of every. single. person who has me in their home.


When I drop off Zack, I'm quiet taking his drums inside his house

When I go to Jonathan's I keep the swearing down and try not to yell too loud

when I go to Omar's, I don't stop on the floor and act like a jackass in front of his mom

When I go to Bryan's, again I don't make a lot of noise

When I go to Lawrences, I do my absolute hardest to avoid being blasphemous

When I go to Cameron's I'm polite his mom, I don't swear, and I just act decently overall

When I've gone to Mitchell's, I'm polite and try not to act loud and obnoxious



Do you know why? It's called respect. I respect you people, and when I'm in your home, I act like I'm supposed to. Why is it that I have to feel like Rodney Dangerfield here?


I feel like my words fall on all deaf ears except for one person, and since I know this person reads this you know you are, and thank you, words really can't describe what it means when someone actually listens to me.


Is it so hard to just follow 3 rules: Be quiet, don't leave doors open, pick up after yourselves.


I don't think I'm asking for a lot, but then I have people leaving god damn trash everywhere, smoking with every door into my house fucking open, and just being really rude to my grandma's house.

I'm not quiet because I WANT TO BE QUIET, I'm quiet because I respect her. She's put up with so much of my bullshit and my dad's bullshit, being that she's 76 years old, raised 4 kids pretty much on her own, and had to deal with a wave of bullshit that culminated in my childhood, I think it's nice let her have a peaceful night's rest.

And you know what, I don't think I need to be upfront about everything, I think the majority of us know how we act to know what is and what is not OK from what's been said, I really don't think things need to be fucking written out for everyone.

If my only desires of the people in my house are asking too much, then I don't know what to say. I'm just not comfortable with this in my home. Hell I'm not even comfortable in other places unless the person is 100% ok with it. If I'm not doing something, it's not necessarily because I DONT want to, it's because I care about what others want in their homes.

I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything anymore. The more I write the sadder I get thinking that no one in general really gives two shits about me or my opinions, and to boot the dark creepy loneliness just sets in, so I'm just gonna stop and go to sleep. Sleep is the only thing that doesn't judge me these days. Goodnight