87th Birthday

Now, if you made it to your 87th birthday, how would you feel? Tired? Complete? Amazed that you lived that long, thinking of all the dumbshit you've done? Or just happy to be around your family (hopefully), knowing you've lived that long? All in assumption by this point in your life, hopefully you could just enjoy yourself.

Today was a real eye opener for me.

Today I went to the hospital, to visit a family friend of my dad's for over...god at least 20 years, his best friend's dad, Paul Christensen, (Yes, if you've met Paul he was named after his dad, and I think his dad too). It's been a rough couple years for him. 2006 I believe, he had two or three strokes, and in 2007 he broke his hip on the way to the bathroom. Ever since then I think he's had a total of 5 strokes (2 large 3 small) and a full hip replacement. And now he's in the hospital (very recently, like the last 2 weeks) for a disease that really hits home with me in particular, Pneumonia...Fuck. That. Shit. No one should have to go through any of the same shit I did. I don't even think I could wish it upon my worst enemy to suffer the same shit I did. I still have nightmares over it, and get lost over it sometimes...enough about that though.

I wasn't sure what to think when I was going to see him. Then I walked into the room.

Oh my god, is this what I looked like? A dozen tubes coming out of me. On a respirator (forces you to breathe). And just looking all sorts of hell. This man is one of the most resilient mother fuckers I've ever seen in my life. I walked in and he grabbed my hand so hard I thought he was going to crush it. I was fucking amazed. I wish I could be even half as strong as him when I hit that age. Then it hit me, the table has completely turned over 6 years. 6 years ago this man was standing on the other side of the bed wishing it was him instead of me in that bed, strong as a fucking ox even though. I looked over my friend Paul, to see him crying. Him, crying? It blew my fucking mind. He's one of the manliest men I've ever met in my life, he's always strong and macho about everything he does. And seeing his father in this state, he couldn't even hold it in. And he stood there apologizing, about how he has to be strong for him, no matter what the circumstances. And he genuinely felt bad for showing a sign of "weakness" for his father...

I never really understood why everyone never wanted to come to the hospital to come see me, it kind of hurt for a while actually, but I got over it. But coming to this...god I can't blame anyone. The hospital is a fucked up heartless place. Walking through the ICU, where I spent 3/4 of my own time in, it felt like I was walking through a living cemetery. I mean I've seen some fucked up shit in the ICU. I mean when you're in there, conscious, you can't really do anything besides look forward at all the other fucked up people in front of you. I watched a father break down into hysterics and vomit as his 2 year year old son died of brain damage in front of him, from Shaken Baby syndrome. I watched another kid, maybe my age, go into fucking cardiac arrest in the bed next to me....I was just talking to him moments before then bam. I don't even know what happened to him because I was moved out of ICU a few hours later.

Fuck the hospital and fuck illnesses, and fuck all of the pain they bring. I hope that if I ever turn 87, that I just die instead of watching others come in and feel bad that I'm such a terrible state.

But this man is fighting for his live, no matter what. He probably doesn't even have that much time left, and he's still fighting on. He even understands his chances, and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It's down right astounding that a man this strong exists. I honestly hope I can end up half the man he was. Fight on man, fight on.

This whole event put some other emotions of mine within perspective. If it weren't for this I probably would've called a few people up really confused and mad about some shit I've been trying to do, yet I've been getting ignored. But I'm not going to bitch about that right now, there are far worse things than my own troubles for now.