Hmm..

What am I supposed to do anyway? I'm willing to bet I've more or less gone to all ends of the earth, twice over, all to the same result. I've talked and talked and talked and... well you get the point. It's become quite apparent to me (Several times), that anything I do in any situation ever never really works. A select few people give me more than the standard "just keep looking forward" crap which I appreciate, but what do I do really?


I'm pretty convinced at this point in my life I'm destined to be unhappy or just looked over. I mean fuck all people do is get mad at me. Like today at lunch fuck...everyone was all mad at me because of the after-prom situation the other night. I mean I'm sorry that I had a responsibility to make sure people were home at a certain time, but just because I said I'd like to go bowling doesn't mean im just going to abandon all of my shit immediately. We showed up and I tried to stay, but I couldnt do it without people getting in trouble while it being my fault... EITHER WAY you guys didn't need me to bowl...you could've just done w/e you wanted. I apologized, what more do you fucking want from me? Damn. And fucking either way by the time YOU guys got there there was only about 30 minutes left while they were opened anyway, by the time you rented all the shit and got ready you would've had time for about one fucking game...waste of money for ONE GAME. the shoes and everything would've cost more than the actual game itself.
And either way twice over I explained on the phone my situation, and to CALL ME IF ANYTHING CHANGED OR ANYONE WANTED TO DO ANYTHING, I would've been more than happy to drive you/do w/e. I forgot if I typed this twice so I'll just leave it here


And this is just one example. Anytime I do anything that contradicts even the smallest detail I've said before gets thrown right back in my face. Why am I always the asshole? Anytime I disagree with ANYONE OR ANYTHING, I'm an asshole. Of course any of you can be total bitchy cunts anytime you want and feel totally justified, but GOD FORBID I go against anything I possibly say EVER.


...


Why doesn't anything ever just go my way? Everything has to be a fucking mess. Everything. :(

Prom could've been a really simple and fun, but all I got was bitch bitch this, taylor you cant do this blah blah blah, this thing fucking sucks etc etc, stop taking all of this so seriously taylor god... God fuck you. You are the same stupid bitch I remember from 8th grade. Is it so much to ask for just a nice relaxing ride? Especially at fucking 12:30 AM when I'm fucking exhausted. All I wanted was a fun night and by the end I didn't even want to get out of my car...I just wanted to curl up in my seat and go to sleep. Which I basically did when I got home. I just slumped upstairs, checked some mail and went to sleep. All day and night for the last week I've been watching everyone just being so...happy and shit, is it really so much to ask to be a part of that? I mean don't get me wrong I had a blast at prom, but why do all of the simple things have to just compund and make me feel worse. Can I not be a part of that group that gets to just have fun or something?

It must be, it has to be, there's no other way. There really is no possible other explanation for it besides the fact that it it's just too much to ask for, for something nice to happen.

11 days left and I'm no closer to anything than when I started high school oh so long ago.

Also I might add it takes me a lot of effort to remain so patient and docile so much of the time, but I'm human, I don't think I can take much more. It's why I've been snapping so much. Anything I ever do gets shot down by whomever/whatever it is. Constant rejection and shunning really can hurt a guy ya know.

I constantly throw myself into shit headfirst, easily knowing what I'm getting myself into a lot, just really hoping maybe, just maybe the stars will be aligned and maybe I'll do something right or get someone to see something.

Like we said the other night, I'm sick of chasing, it doesn't work. I'd rather just catch it and hold on for dear life, the problem is getting it all started :|

I dunno if I'm done with this yet, maybe more coming, dunno who knows