6 years of people

so now that I've gotten the first two out of the way, and I wont see a whole lot of you again (well most of you I will, but that's besides the point) let's get down to the rest of you now shall we? Also I'm taking omar's lead and there will be some stuff in here you might not want to read. But hey if you want to say anything to me after, just shoot me an IM. This will mainly be about long term people I've known throughout the years, so try to not be offended if you think you should be on here and are not


(I started this the day we graduated so some things in here may be a little outdated, deal with it I suppose)


Zack: What a story to tell here. We used to basically be buddy buddy with everything. Whenever anything happened we were always there for each other. Then came junior year and we totally drove each other apart, and I blame it all fully on comp sci. I'm willing to accept some of the blame for being an annoying twat some times, but boy that one day where I asked everyone for help, and you wouldnt help, or Mr. Chang, or the sophomores, or the seniors, I had had it with everything in that class and was willing to take an F just to get away from you and everyone else in there. I think we've come back pretty well since then, but something just appears to be missing and I don't know what

and just a little FYI zack I've never ditched you in my life, no matter what you thought about senior sunrise or anything else. Don't even go down that road.

Final edit before I post: Don't be a stranger and don't take aggression out on others, we're all mean to each other. (This applies to you too curtin)

Jonathan Harris: Shit I've known you too forever now 6 years. I remember the first real conversation we had was at my house some random weekend after my birthday at knotts, and I thought you were totally the coolest guy ever, and I was right haha. I've heard from everyone at one point or another how much they hate talking to you when youre just arguing with them, but for some reason we've never really argued. Maybe it's just because we've never had a reason to fight (except for that one time you were a total jackass in meloche's class and hit me in the face with a ball), or we just get along that well, who knows. But I'm glad we're still great friends and that we'll be going to CSULB together still. Even more time to do more things haha

Jesus: I'm going to be blunt here. I hated you for the longest time. I regularly made fun of you just because all you did was piss me off way back in 10th grade. Everything you freaking did was just some way to make me mad, and you were just a total dick about it( and dont even deny this lol). Down to the CD project in meloche. I remember that when we met for the last time we agreed not to tell you about it because we figured we'd get more work down without you. And low and behold the only work you did was stolen from another group lol. Again like Zack, I'd like to think we've come quite a long way since then and have become great friends. You regularly ask if I hate you, I don't, but you need to stop being so dickish a lot of the time. You provoke me at quite possibly the worst points of the time which is why I lash out so much at you. I'll never really understand your motivations sometimes, but w/e I suppose lol.

edit: I don't hate you so dont think that lol

Kim Loftis: Something that again I will never understand. You hung out with every single one of my friends but we never said more than a couple sentences to each other until 10th grade in art. Simply put you are amazing. I do miss some of the chats/note passings we used to have all the time during bio last year, that provided me with some of my most fun and entertainment, and I'm sure we could still learn more about each other if we have them again hahaha...jokes aside though, like everyone else on this lat I do love being around you and talking to you. You too are going to CSULB so that's just peachy haha :) If you ever read this or ever go online ever again (which might not be ever apparently) AIM me so we can talk again!

edit: GET ONLINE AT A REAL HOUR! DDDD::::

Haygood: We've always been default friends due to cluster, but I think we've gotten pretty close ever since you came back to our table from playing basketball in 10th grade. Putting up with people in Levoit's class, breaking zack's ankles filming a comercial, playing gears all the time (but never finishing the damn game) and numerous parties and other things, and I think you're my favorite tall person ever. I will say I felt really really excluded from you and anaoshak. It's kind of the reason I never went on xbox live for so long, like 80% of the time I wasnt really busy (after those first 2-3 weeks were I was actually incredibly busy). I would just feel so lonely while you guys played and I was basically out of the loop on everything, and when I did actually play I would just leave my mic off and turn the voices on through the speakers, w/e though, we have the rest of the summer and I need to buy live again x_x. BTW playing cards with you is incredibly fun, I can't wait to play more over the summer.


Ryan Plunkett: I was pretty cool with you for the longest time after all of the weird people we had to deal with in 9th grade art. Even to the point of getting pissed at all of the people who didnt like you for w/e quirk they talked about. Then came junior year and one of the most hurtful letters that you sent via myspace (back in december or january if you ever feel like reading it), then one event led to another and I couldnt even be around you without just being mad and lonely. You just dropped into my life and swept a whole bunch of things away. I'd like to think we've come pretty far since then, but I'm not 100% sure, I'd like to hope so but I don't know.

Mitchell: I read your comment in my yearbook and I know you had good intent in writing it, but I felt really bad for a while. I remember thinking you were the coolest thing since sliced bread and I just wanted to hang with you whenever I could. You were so mysterious. You had no class spirit, essentially hated oxford, and never did anything with any of us and I was so confused as to why. Funny enough you end up on class committee and become one of the most well known people amongst our class haha. Like jonathan I always try to stay off your bad side because I hate seeing you mad at anyone, let alone me. And again I'm sorry if I've ever made you mad but I never know if you are or not. Just letting you know again if you ever need anything I'm always just a text or an IM away.

Lauren: Gosh, where do I begin with you huh? Summer junior year I fell for you harder than anyone I had in my entire life. Nothing made me happier than to be with you. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was that you were just like me or something. We liked just about the exact same shit. Anything I ever did with or for you back then I toiled on forever with people who for some reason didn't mind listening to me worry for hours on end. Just the back to school dance alone junior year I spent the entire day/evening with kim just worrying about any possible thing I could do wrong. Then in december you pretty much killed me with a bombshell that you knew for the entire time I liked you but didn't have it in you for the entire time to tell me or anything. I became really introverted with you again and basically had to start all over again. This year I did the same thing and I don't know why. I knew you more or less had no interest in me, but I'm not a quitter is my stupid dense mentality. I still remember when I was going to ask you WF that day and I totally got owned lol. I'm glad we had fun at prom but there's still...well I won't beat a dead horse but anyone reading this knows exactly how I felt about that night. And as I write this now I still feel something, I don't know how or why. All I do is set myself up for hurt, for something that I guess just won't ever be, but I will never understand why, and either you don't know like you say or don't want to tell me. I guess I can't blame you for not wanting to hangout with me anymore :( I don't want it to be like this but you seem to have no time for me or anything (or just anything that isn't me haha), I guess we just gotta talk or do something eventually some day I don't know...don't be a stranger

PS. No matter how you word it, you ditched me on Up. Bottom line. And it really hurt. You said you just went with your coworker just to go, and that was that, and you only knew "the night before", would it have been so hard to tell me you went to see it? I turned down two other offers to go see it over the last week or two just because I thought we were going to see it...just because you word it differently doesn't make it hurt any less

I was pretty upset when I wrote this one too...but I don't know what else to say here anymore. Talk to me I guess, oh well.

Final edit: I don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I don't know what to say if you just tell me youre so busy all the time...just with other people. It doesn't bother me if you don't want to, I just don't feel terrible feeling one way and being pulled another. You seem to have the luck of everyone wanting to go after you, I wish I had the same pull as that sigh.

Final FINAL edit here....I'm not saying we shouldnt just hang out or have fun, but shit I don't know what to say...talk to me for once instead of me "forcing" it heh.

Lisa: So what happened here? I remember that we were pretty close up until around back in 9th grade then that seemed to be that. I totally did not agree with some of the things you said/did (I don't remember that vividly anymore, but I didnt like it at all), and I guess that was the end of that. And it wasnt until around the middle or end 10th grade that we even started talking again. I don't know what else to say though. I mean I know we're friends and all, but what now? I feel like the last 4 years has been this empty void between us. We're barely any closer now than when we were all the way back then...sigh I guess we just have to start from square one maybe? I don't know, what do we do? lol

Final edit: What you said to me really upset me, for a long time. If you don't know what I said, go figure it out or ask someone.

Ryan Curtin: Shit we've been neighbors for our entire lives and we never even SEE each other until the middle of 9th grade. WTF SERIOUSLY?! Well I'm not gonna lie, I remember me and omar talking about you freshmen year thinking you were one of the weirdest kids ever and wondered why you ever sat with us, glad I was wrong here haha. I know where I'll start with you, debate. I'm pretty glad we ended up as partners, but holy shit did that ever almost kill us? I remember when your twatness was acting up by the end of the berkeley trip. I was almost ready to strangle you DURING my 1ar, fiddling with my laptop and erasing all of my speeches I was so mad I just started throwing shit across the room making the judges mad. But besides that I had a total blast with you this year. Making fun of stupid freshmen who had no idea what they were talking about....making fun of SENIORS who had no idea what they were talking about. I don't know why we did so well to be honest. I mean we did have people help us, but besides files after files, everything else was all us. I had the speed where you were the brains behind everything. For being first years I'd like to say that we totally dominated our fellow jv members. I don't know why though. Is this really that hard to comprehend the younger you are? Man only if we would've joined back in sophomore year we could've just been fucking shit up left and right haha. Year well spent my friend.

Jon Worrel: We go all the way back to PC's class way back in 8th grade haha. What we used to draw like upside down Question marks, and look up stuff on your PDA in class, and laugh when mrs. PC screamed OH SHIT in the middle of class...hehe. We used to do shit all the time man! What happened? It always seems you or me are always too busy to do anything. Even if we don't talk for long periods of time we will always have tech shit ahahah. I've had some pretty intense conversations with you and I'm glad you're one of the few people who have left Oxford that I still keep in touch with. This is it and final, we are going to hang out soon whether either of us like it or not...just gotta figure out wtf to do lol.

Bryan freaking Hunt: We go all the way back to...what was that rietsch's class in 8th grade where you and danny took a bunch of knives and threw them at me during math? You're pretty awesome basically and I love hanging out with you/omar and attempting to write music or play music...or just devolve into playing games and other shit that has nothing to do with anything haha. I think if either of us want to do anything we should probably be more serious, as only 1 out of the 3 of us appears to have any talent at all...whatsoever. Well hopefully we fix that. It amazes me that you were only at oxford for a year and a half and we still have been able to stay as close as we have. I just realized that wow, you stayed at oxford the least out of almost anyone I can think of o_O. We gotta do some shit soon too...last summer before college but at least we'll all be fairly close to home.

Danny: What do I say here? I was mad at you for so long for all of the fucking stupid shit you did, and now that I've made amends with you...what's changed? You have the exact same personality traits that irked me in the first place: dependent on rides no matter what the occasion but fail to ask for them BEFORE hand, a little too invasive, and just too questioning. I'm trying to be a really nice guy in all of this but it's extremely difficult when only one person is trying to change anything or act as nice as they possibly can...oh well I'm not going to harbor any bad feelings.

Valerie: Wow I'm not sure what to say haha. We've known each other since around Cross Country I'd say, yet we barely even talked until after 1st semester this year? Then we don't even HANG OUT at all until after I graduate? Man where did all the time go D: Well out of all the juniors I did get to know you are my favorite junior (now senior!) that I've met by far ever :) We've got all of this summer then pretty much anytime after that too to get to know each other/talk more/ whatever else since I'm still at home haha! I'm glad you were there for me for...well you know what, and I really appreciate you listening to my seemingly endless banter and nonsense that I put you (and apparently a lot of other people through haha) :) just know that if you ever need anything I'm not very far away, and I really do owe you for helping me out so much, just let me know!

My heart aches after all of this. I have seriously spent the last....almost month writing and editing this. Some things I wrote on here were even too harsh for a "getting stuff off my chest" post...If you werent on here please don't feel bad, or yell at me, or anyone else for that matter. It's not that you werent important or that you didn't matter, or that you didn't touch my life, but there are so many of you I just have to choose. If I come back to this and it seems inadequate I'll add more but please don't feel bad :(

PS if you feel a certain way, or feel I have misjudged or mislabeled you, please don't hesistate to IM me or call me or text me to ask why/how about any of this....


Sigh now for my hardest part...hitting the publish post button

The last blog I post as a senior in highschool

Weird...6 years at this school is already over? Holy shit. I'll just spend this time to talk about the 2 people who had the BIGGEST impact on me my entire life at Oxford. I'll write about most of you later, but these two need have priority haha :)

I remember walking onto campus the VERY first day and meeting up with the only person in the entire world that I knew for a fact would be at the same school, raghav...

As we grabbed our schedules and looked at our map (which was very VERY poorly drawn by the way), a minute later I heard him say "Wow we have every single class together" and at a closer look he was right. We'd have to deal with the same terrible history class, run the same stupid miles with hale, take science with the least competent science teacher on campus, draw some stupid art together, learn algebra together, and take English-Art (Shirey ahahaha) together. Out of all of the things that happened to me at my 6 years here, I think this takes the cake as the best one, because one of, if not the best friendship I ever formed started with one hilarious coincidence through the couneslors. It sucks that I havent had a class with the guy in 2 years, and that we'll be almost an hour and a half away from each other next year, but I'm not too worried, we have the internet, agrivating games, and the eventual trips that I'll have to make down there to see him and other SD people. It's still hard to even grasp that we've spent 6 years together. So much time spent playing SO MANY THINGS, and I think I can finally grasp why he doesn't want to sign my yearbook (this doesn't change the fact that you are a LAZY BASTARD though jesus christ)

And who would've thought that the other person I would meet on the VERY first day would have equally just as big of an impact on my life as Raghav? For the first few periods me and raghav talked about the first seemingly dreaded lunch...Where would we sit? Who would we sit with? What would we talk about? As we walked into 5th period beckett, it was the first period so far that we hadn't sat next to each other due to seating arrangements, but that's alright. I sat there watching as this kid with incredibly short hair sat there twirling a pen around between his thumb and forefinger. Absolutely entranced I picked up my pen and on the VERY first try I accidentally whacked him in the head with it. He turned around and I was embarassed as fuck. And he said, and I'll never forget "Hey now that you've hit me in the head, let me introduce myself, I'm Omar, and this isn't really that hard, let me show you how" And instead of listening to beckett (A trend that would set in for the rest of the year, and probably why I'm so shitty at math now hahaha), we sat and talked a bunch of small talk and he explained to me how to twirl pens around in so many different ways. As the bell rang I thought to myself, "oh man...what am I doing for lunch..." and omar must've seen me and raghav lost in thought since he asked us "Hey why dont you two eat lunch with us, unless you have somewhere you're already gonna eat at"

So of course we agreed to eat lunch there, which may have been the best decision I made out of my 6 years here. He shows us to the table that had been so carefully picked out, and as we sat down we must've EASILY had the largest group of scrubs on campus. If my memory serves me right, the people sitting at this table were: "Omar, Cameron Haygood, Cameron Soreno (spelling permits), Harris, Mez, Zack, myself, Raghav, Rahul, Jesus (I THINK), elton, and several others. I never would've thought this would've been the same group of people (mostly, at least most who are still here) that I'd known for the remainder of my years here.

Over the years we got incredibly close, swapping stories that both horrified and amazed the two of us. I've gotten angry with everyone I know at least at one point or another, and I think I can easily say I've never been more than just agitated with him at one point or another. It's hard for me to stay mad or even get mad in the first place too haha...

I never really knew anyone closely in elementary school (well...the few I did is another story entirely), and I think out of anyone ever leaving oxford, his hurt me the most. I was just so devastated. I felt alone, cold, and just horrible that this could happen. Quite possibly the nicest and coolest kid I know was gone, I was terrified that he would've been gone from my life forever holy shit.

I'm so glad that I never lost touch, it's like he never left :)




And now it's all over. What do we all do now? I don't want to lose touch with them, or any of you that matter to me as a matter of fact either. This isn't going to be easy or simple, but I've got to deal with it. Like other things, but this I hopefully won't totally fail at....

PS. I'll never forget that when I came back from being sick for 3-4 months-ish what elton said right to me as I sat down to eat with everyone again, "What's this fat blonde asshole doing eating with us omar?!" ahahaha

Hmm..

What am I supposed to do anyway? I'm willing to bet I've more or less gone to all ends of the earth, twice over, all to the same result. I've talked and talked and talked and... well you get the point. It's become quite apparent to me (Several times), that anything I do in any situation ever never really works. A select few people give me more than the standard "just keep looking forward" crap which I appreciate, but what do I do really?


I'm pretty convinced at this point in my life I'm destined to be unhappy or just looked over. I mean fuck all people do is get mad at me. Like today at lunch fuck...everyone was all mad at me because of the after-prom situation the other night. I mean I'm sorry that I had a responsibility to make sure people were home at a certain time, but just because I said I'd like to go bowling doesn't mean im just going to abandon all of my shit immediately. We showed up and I tried to stay, but I couldnt do it without people getting in trouble while it being my fault... EITHER WAY you guys didn't need me to bowl...you could've just done w/e you wanted. I apologized, what more do you fucking want from me? Damn. And fucking either way by the time YOU guys got there there was only about 30 minutes left while they were opened anyway, by the time you rented all the shit and got ready you would've had time for about one fucking game...waste of money for ONE GAME. the shoes and everything would've cost more than the actual game itself.
And either way twice over I explained on the phone my situation, and to CALL ME IF ANYTHING CHANGED OR ANYONE WANTED TO DO ANYTHING, I would've been more than happy to drive you/do w/e. I forgot if I typed this twice so I'll just leave it here


And this is just one example. Anytime I do anything that contradicts even the smallest detail I've said before gets thrown right back in my face. Why am I always the asshole? Anytime I disagree with ANYONE OR ANYTHING, I'm an asshole. Of course any of you can be total bitchy cunts anytime you want and feel totally justified, but GOD FORBID I go against anything I possibly say EVER.


...


Why doesn't anything ever just go my way? Everything has to be a fucking mess. Everything. :(

Prom could've been a really simple and fun, but all I got was bitch bitch this, taylor you cant do this blah blah blah, this thing fucking sucks etc etc, stop taking all of this so seriously taylor god... God fuck you. You are the same stupid bitch I remember from 8th grade. Is it so much to ask for just a nice relaxing ride? Especially at fucking 12:30 AM when I'm fucking exhausted. All I wanted was a fun night and by the end I didn't even want to get out of my car...I just wanted to curl up in my seat and go to sleep. Which I basically did when I got home. I just slumped upstairs, checked some mail and went to sleep. All day and night for the last week I've been watching everyone just being so...happy and shit, is it really so much to ask to be a part of that? I mean don't get me wrong I had a blast at prom, but why do all of the simple things have to just compund and make me feel worse. Can I not be a part of that group that gets to just have fun or something?

It must be, it has to be, there's no other way. There really is no possible other explanation for it besides the fact that it it's just too much to ask for, for something nice to happen.

11 days left and I'm no closer to anything than when I started high school oh so long ago.

Also I might add it takes me a lot of effort to remain so patient and docile so much of the time, but I'm human, I don't think I can take much more. It's why I've been snapping so much. Anything I ever do gets shot down by whomever/whatever it is. Constant rejection and shunning really can hurt a guy ya know.

I constantly throw myself into shit headfirst, easily knowing what I'm getting myself into a lot, just really hoping maybe, just maybe the stars will be aligned and maybe I'll do something right or get someone to see something.

Like we said the other night, I'm sick of chasing, it doesn't work. I'd rather just catch it and hold on for dear life, the problem is getting it all started :|

I dunno if I'm done with this yet, maybe more coming, dunno who knows

Terminator never seemed so true

"There is no fate but what we make"

Hm. Maybe I need to stop looking at life as something waiting to happen or something by chance happening. I guess that only leaves the option of grabbing it by the horns.

What do I have to lose haha

I don't ask for much out of life, do I

A chance, a shot, an opportunity, an attempt, anything is all I ever really want.

To prove to myself whether I'm capable of anything at all.

The last 2 years of my life seems to have been composed of denying me a chance to even do anything, life's been basically shooting me down whenever I wanted anything at all

It's kind of like another good metaphor. The student who wants to try but is wrong a lot, but still tries, and eventually the teacher goes "Ok who can answer problem 1? .... Who can answer problem 1 besides jimmy...."

Coming to the end of my senior year I've seen quite a few missed opportunities on my part, and I'm willing to accept the inevitable disappointments in myself for them. But there are lots of other things that just won't budge and let me try.

And so I sit here thinking to myself at 1:38 AM, Memorial Day 2009

When's my chance? People tell me wait, but I'm sick of waiting. I'm tired of just being me, can't I be someone else? Everything for the last 2 years has been nothing but painful events to be quite honest. Or things that just pain me to see fly by.

It's a month tomorrow that I was diagnosed...feels like it's been several lifetimes over already :|

Is my life supposed to be doomed to be the one you remember as "Oh Mr. Unlucky, I remember him...."

Fuck that shit. Life can suck a fat one twice over :(

Here goes nothing

...

I got nothing left, whatever happens happens I suppose

So

It'll fail, and again I'm going to hate myself

but what else is new? Not my luck or my hopes or dreams, that's what

Of course

The one time I really ask for opinions and help, and I don't get crap.

Wonderful.

I'm falling into old habits

FUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK

why do I do this to myself, I'm pathetic

It's only been a week but

I feel like throwing myself in front of a train

:( not only does having a life long illness suck I feel myself being sucked into old habits of thought

Damnit all

One day in and I'm losing my mind

My diet just got kicked right in the pants

My Nurse yesterday said I couldn't eat potatoes or anything with white flour

No milk apparently

No pasta

just lots of protein

jesus christ how am I supposed to live? Hopefully my dietitian can give me more reasonable foods to eat, but fuck I don't know what Im supposed to do. My doctors don't even know why I'm alive, I could easily be dead, or in a coma. NO ONE could give me a reason why I'm not

Support is always nice, I appreciate it. But I mean in the end it's me who has to be the one who stabs myself in the thigh 4 times a day and ruins my finger tips with a glucometer.

I'm pretty convinced life hates me. I fail at school, relationships, playing bass, and now apparently I fail at food.

I think I get a deserved "Fuck my life" at this point, I just wish I knew why there appears to be a rain cloud that just hovers over me and just goes "FUCK YOU TAYLOR" *rain rain rain* "Oh hey it's sunny now!" "Really" NO FUCK YOU MORE" *lightning rain rain rain*

Fuck this

So I have...

Type 1 Diabetes.

Abso-fucking-lutely wonderful

Time to become a manual pancreas, fuck me.

Why do I always feel guilty?

Birthdays. I always feel so guilty if I don't pitch in or buy someone something. and people always try to make me go in with them to get them something.I Don't mind buying people anything it's just that...

No one gets me anything. My birthday came and went this year and all I got were residual happy birthday's when one person said so, and everyone else followed along. Omar/jonathan were the last ones to get me anything for my birthday, and that shit was tight, I should probably bring out the limbo more. I'm not saying I expect people to get me anything really, but it's strange when I'm expected to do it for others or I look like a dick

so why do I need to be guilted into buying shit?

New List of people

Do you feel like guessing who you are?

1-3 All three of you will read this because I know you three read this, I know this because I hear that you three read it all the time, whether you comment or not. I don't think I'd be who I am without you. I'll leave it at that.
4. I know you feel like you get shit on, but we all shit all over each other (ew.) You really need to just relax and accept the fact that we're a bunch of douches to each other, and that's just who we are
5. I feel like I totally bailed out on you for other shit and I feel really bad :( Don't hate me
6. So we're not friends anymore or something? You don't like me because you think I'm an asshole? An asshole about what? People don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Why the hell would you even tell me some shit like that and say you're still my friend, what kind of shit is that? "You're an asshole but I like you still" Right. Whatever you say. Pretty fucked up in my opinion, unless you're playing with me, which again I don't appreciate. You tell me I'm not playing any games. fuck that
7. I think you need a break, did you ever get one? I have no idea but you really do. Go on a vacation or something. Get away from every single person you know, I think you need it
8. I'm so fucking happy that we cleared just about everything up. No matter what happens now I think we can go on with life fairly happy. But I will always wonder, no matter what happens, what if?
9. Why does everyone get mad at you so much? I mean sure you complain but we all do. I don't get it really. Maybe I'm missing something about you but who knows.
10,11. You'll never read this because you two aren't seniors. But stop throwing. Please.
12. I feel like we're just distanced, but for no reason. Until like freshmen year we used to be really awesome friends. then shit happened and we stopped talking until like last year. I don't even know why, wtf happened?
13. You're cool, but annoying as fuck sometimes. I don't know how much more I could've taken before that breaking point occurred, and I would've strangled you, good lord o_o.
14. Stop eating lunch with us for fucks sake. We didn't appreciate your bullshit in 9th grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, or now. You're a fucking waste of a space.
15. I should've gotten to know you better before this year. I've hung out with you like 4 times outside of school and that was some of the funnest shit ever
16. I think you drove us away from anything possibly serious. Fucking hell why didn't you take anything seriously. I give up here.
17. I wonder what would life would be like if you didn't beat me up in Bio?
18. You don't get enough credit for the shit you do for like, everyone. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're one of three people who will be the only reason I pass Gov.
19. We keep blowing each other off inadvertently, and it's pissing me off. Let's just do something. Damn
20. You'll never read this, but fuck you for wasting my god damn time. Why did I even bother wasting my time on something you would just never bother to return or talk about again. God damn you piss me off
21. You're so fucking annoying I cannot stand you for more than .1 seconds, and you're ruining my friend to a degree, holy hell.

Call it frivolous but...

I really wanted to go to/get asked to sadies. Yeah w/e in the long run it doesn't matter much, but the thought really would've been nice. I guess the last little while has done nothing to help prove that I'll just be alone forever.

Actually I'd love to get asked to do something that isn't forced. I'm always the one telling people "Hey let's go do this" or telling omar and bryan "hey let's practice" or telling anyone that shit needs to be done. When do I get someone to do that for me? I'm sick and tired of having to push anyone into doing anything, fun or not. I'd like to be on the other end of that

Back to watching comedy stand ups with my dad then. Later all.

Isn't our senior year supposed to be awesome?

What a pile of crap. Senior year is supposed to be more relaxed than any point during our 6 years here. Fucking I'm more stressed now than I've ever been. Mr. O grades like a bastard on papers, Mr. Stevens is out of his mind, Mr. Hodges gives the hardest tests ever, and Gov is a joke.

And it's not just limited to school, everything sucks for everyone. I'm not going to name names, but you all obviously know who you are, who have some kind of outstanding issue with life, and we've talked about it, and I'd like to think we're pretty much all in agreement that stuff is just....at least mildly horrible. Obviously some of you have more outstanding issues let's call them, than I do, but hey you have your blog for that and I have mine :)

Let's start with track. I'm fucking horrible. All of my muscles are screaming in pain any time I do anything. I've had 6 leg cramps in both legs in the course of the last 14 days. My hamstrings feel like they're about to pop out from my legs, and I can barely lift my arms. This would be acceptable if I had been really working my ass of, but I haven't I'm a weak bastard now. All that effort in XC to run put everything into my legs instead of my arms. And now that I've been lazy since XC ended, and I don't work out as much as I should, I'm double fucked. I want to quit, I'll never bring in points and I'll never do anything that warrants me as more than a name on a list.

That's all I'll ever be, some name, somewhere, on some list, not for anything important...sigh oh well with that

Something else that bugs me, relationships. I've tried to no end to make one work for god damn ever.
7th grade was just silly
8th grade was horribly awkward and weird
9th grade was ugly, oh god was that ugly
10th grade was boring
11th and 12th I've done nothing but fail over 2 people, that I still don't feel over even though I say I am

11th was just me being...I don't know the old me, the horribly shy and awkward me. Didn't like me then, got over it, oh well.
12th. Went to the polling booths, talk and learn shit about person all day, get number. Ignored.

The fuck? I still don't understand what happened, it seemed so promising. All the fun, all the long flirty looks, all the laughs the smiles, and just the overall enjoyment of everything.

And then there was another situation, which I never did anything about. So many nights, I sat (and still sit) there and think what if. What if I had done what I had all planned out. What if I had that one more day. Would it have mattered? Or would I have been cast aside like they really didnt give a fuck again. People always tell me "Oh don't worry it probably would've been _____________ anyway" You know what? Fuck that too. Can you look me dead in the eyes and tell me you know exactly what would've happened over something that never will? No you can't, and you will never have any justification because you'll never know or give anything a chance.

Am I mad? No. Bitter? Pretty much. No one likes to be strung along, even if they're ignorant to what may be obvious signs, it's still annoying as all hell. I'll always be there, but don't just walk all over me because of that please, I don't like excuses. I hurt too, I don't think anyone cares though. Do people read this really? I don't know.

Do I ever get my chance to be happy? My chance to show something? "Just wait for it taylor" Fuck that, everyone has gotten their chance, where the hell is mine. I'm tired of waiting. I can't stand it. Everything I do makes me feel even worse. Even as I type this alone in my room at 12:27 AM Sunday March 8th (thank you lauren. lol, I don't know my dates), I just feel like breaking down all over again. You all have that person to turn to when you need it. I wish I did. People listen to me, but do they really? The only advice I get anymore is shit that hurts me more.

I'm a mess, I need help, god damnit. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I show you that you were wrong, even if it changes nothing. How do I prove anything to anyone? How do I.....

oh fuck it, I'll just be fucking miserable and alone like everyone else, not like I have an option

life blows

yep

not much else to say here

Why does everyone think I hate them all of a sudden ???

The last 2 weeks or so have been some of the longest, most hellish shit I've had to put up with in a long time.

I haven't been on aim or talking to most of you because I've been trying to sort my own shit out lol.

I've got people jumping down my throat for whatever reason they feel I'm fucking up with on one side, and on the other side I've had to deal with 2 deaths. Give me a break please, yeah?

I'm not mad at any of you, I'm not ignoring any of you, I'm not even that mad or depressed or anything

I've just been busy that's all relax. We're not losing friendships or w/e you think is going on, all of you just relax lol. We'll be back and doing w/e the fuck it is we do soon

Heh

I just realized I only write on here when I'm mad or upset

I wonder if I would write on here if I was ever happy about something...

God Damn

Today was the first decent day I've actually had in so long, that lunch was so delicious god damn

You know, I don't know who reads this, I just hear from people here and there about it, but here goes this anyway. I'm not entirely sure what's up with me. There isn't a single thing that apparently I can do right, or can be done right for me.

Yesterday, I figured "hey I'll donate blood, it's for a cause that's good right?" ....Right? So I sat there for an hour just waiting. Got into the little booth, got my finger pricked, answered a bunch of questions, talked to some guy about it, signed my life away, etc etc. Pretty much S.O.P. So I sit down, she iodines me, and pokes me with the needle to take blood. Now I've said it about a dozen times, but for anyone who hasn't heard me....you know that feeling when you go to get blood drawn, how it hurts for like maybe 3-5 seconds then it all just goes away? That stabbing feeling NEVER left my arm the 10 minutes I was sitting on that miserable fuck of a table. And that stupid twat of a phlebotomist (think that's how you spell it) said this to me, "Hm...it's going pretty slow, have you been drinking a lot of water" "Yes I drink a gallon a day" "Oh wow....let's just see here" I wasn't sure of what she was going to do, but I felt her wiggle it around...yep she wiggled the needle, a sharp, metal needle, while it was IN MY GOD DAMN ARM. Well you know what happens when you do shit like that? Dumb cunt managed to pierce the OTHER side of my vein, and the blood proceeded to stop flowing. And she sat there dumbfounded, wondering why her fruitful efforts were all in vain (hehe). Hm it couldn't be that all of the blood that WOULD be flowing into the fucking bag is now flowing INTO MY ARM could it? Fucking shit was disgusting and scary as fuck. I'm not exaggerating this when I say it looked like a fucking baseball was stuck under my arm. At this point the bitch is telling me to, "oh just relax this isn't that big of a problem" FUCK YOU YES IT IS WHEN YOU FUCK UP AND BLOOD IS BEGINNING TO FLOW INTO A GIANT LUMP IN MY ARM YOU STUPID WHORE.

Hey Red Cross, SUCK ON MY NUTS. You want blood? Get real fucking people to do it, not these asshole trainees you consider able to do it. Fuck you and everything you do. I refuse to ever donate blood again because of you dumbasses. At first, when someone told me that a real red cross center would produce better results, I was about to believe them, then I realized Oxford didn't hire these people, Red Cross SENT THEM OUT. Yeah fuck you guys, worthless pieces of shit. I hope the stupid cunt gets fired

Now honestly is it too much to ask for something/someone/anything nice? Is it really? Yeah I don't say what I want to who/whatever I need to, yes I'm more or less indecisive, yes there are things I should do, or should say, or should attempt to do,but why does everything rest on MY shoulders? Why do I have to fix MYSELF all the time? I'm tired of having to deal with myself, can't I just get a break? Can't I just get someone to tell me something I'd want to hear? Can't I get someone to help me out? Can't I get someone to be the one who tells people what to do? Can't I get someone that just...helps me?

Here's another example, we had work to do and present in gov today. Kim took the first paragraph and started writing, while I sat there and found myself one to write up. Meanwhile Ryan and Eric are just sitting there chatting away, while we need to get some fucking work done. Instead of just pissing around, I just went "Ok ryan read this, eric read this" while I get a sarcastic "yes sir mr.sir" fucking comment from ryan. What the fuck? You dumbasses aren't doing shit and then get mad at me when I tell you to work? Fuck that. I'm not going to take stupid backtalk like that when it comes to work. I can be that person who drives people to do shit, I've always done it, but I'm tired of it. I'm fucking tired of telling people what to do, and how to act. A lot of you should just know how to function on your own, you're seniors for fucks sake, learn to take initiave.

Man, there isn't much I really want anymore. I don't even know what I do want anymore. Well that's a lie actually, I guess I just waited too long, or did I? Did I waste time? Did I miss an opportunity through this fogged glass I consider life? Did I miss a message? Was there never anything to not miss? I don't know. I know nothing anymore.

Can I just get a break, and someone to explain life to me again? I feel like everything has flown right by me and I'm fucked because I can't even help myself. Why does it even have to be me in the first place...?

Please? Is it too much to ask for...whatever it is anymore? Sigh, fuck senior year, fuck oxford, fuck this im taking my anger out on something else

Where did I go wrong?

I don't know if I'm just unlucky, or nothing is ever meant to be. Just thinking in retrospect, I would like to think I could tell my past self "Hey Taylor, don't sweat it, just let it go", but I don't know if I could do that. I think I know what I did wrong, or what I didn't right would be a better saying, but it still hurts the same.

Come on you, let it go...but I don't, I just pull myself through more and more self inflicted shit.

I don't even know if I care about what people think anymore, I've been asking people what I should do for like...the last year or so. And I've got "Oh let it go taylor" to "Just do it faggot" And the worst part is? I've been in the middle since the very beginning. I don't want to lose anything, that would be worse than where am I now, but I don't know how much longer I should even put myself through unneeded nonsense. But is it unneeded? aaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh

I just want something that I guess I can't have

Oh well, back to my boring life and the last quarters of my highschool career. Let's just say hooray for 18 years of nothing special Taylor! Hooray!

Why do I bother?

What can I say?

Let's Tarantino this shit

Oxford is a pile of shit.

Now we back track!



God damn...where to begin where to begin. Just for the sake of order, I'm going to start with our Senior Portfolios. I don't even know what to say at this point, just "really? that's why?" We have to have them done early because of "the stress of post AP tests"? Haha. More like they want us to do it early while we're still conscious while we attend Oxford. But no, admins, don't make them due when we're not doing something irrelevant, let's make them due DURING YOUR GOD DAMN FINALS WEEK. Yeah we "should have" been working on them the whole time or something, but fucking puh-lease, does ANYONE actually expect us to work on them as a work in progress over a long period of time. Don't even try to play that off. I'm not sure I can identify a single person (that I know) that didn't wait until last week to start working on these.

And then beyond that, Seniors regularly "Embarass" Oxford staff and others by performing below their standards. L O GOD DAMN L. Does any honestly care about these projects, really? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you feel for this project (And don't play Devil's Advocate or I'm not even going to talk to you, no really fuck off). WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS. Let's reflect, on shitty reflections we're forced to do for points, half of them are even modified by teachers to be slightly comical to make us do them. I remember....7th grade I think it was, when these were optional, and no one did them, you know what got people to fucking do them? The fact that if they didn't they would lose out on a grade in some class. I remember that's why my PE grade died in 9th grade because I didn't give a FUCK.

So let's take a look at this from far away. We have a project we're forced to do or some random grade in some random class is dropped. We have to give a speech on some topics we don't really want to do. We have to do it almost 5 months earlier than any other seniors in Oxford's history. And we have to do it "well", and not make Oxford look bad. This is definitely a wonderful recipe, I'm glad we have the staff that we do!

And you know what let's talk about our staff, specifically Hoshi. WHAT THE FUCK? Today Zack got ripped off from the vending machine a dollar or so (whatever his thing cost) and he went and told Gibb about it, and she said no, while Hoshi overheard and said he could get his dollar back.(something to that extend) Ok, cool he got his dollar back, but WHAT THE HELL. The vending machines have been "at your own risk" for years, and everytime I've ever asked anyone for my money back, I'm more or less just laughed off. So we have a biased staff that just feels like refunding some and not refunding others, that's fucking wonderful. Does that mean I can just go up to Hoshi and be like "Yeah over the last 6 years that machine has ate $10 of mine, can I just have it back" No, of course I can't. He'll just be like no get out of here.

Also let's take a glance and something we call a dress code. I know people who have gotten saturday school's for wearing a jacket that's slightly out of dress code, pants slightly too short, the wrong shade of fucking khaki making it more green than khaki (or something to that color), and people who have had numerous things they own just be confiscated, all with detention or Saturday schools. But we have a student who hasn't worn a polo in over 2 years, and I know a few others who regularly don't wear proper "Oxford" attire. So now we enforce a policy of "if you can get away with it, go ahead!" then? Wonderful too!

And finally, Hodges. You are absolutely out of your god damn mind. I ran it over in my head over and over, and I'm still lost in everything. You know damn well we need 25-35 minutes to write an essay, yet you have the audacity to create a test in which if done correctly, you barely have 15 minutes left. And how do you have the same audacity to look at your class, and say, with just under 10 minutes left "Make sure you write your essay" you've lost your fucking mind. There's no way in hell you will ever be able to prove that test was "fair" (Also if you're going to bitch that life isn't fair, again get out, I'm not here to argue trivial shit)

Thanks a lot Oxford, for being "2nd in the nation" you sure as fuck prove it with your wonderful administration, rules, and teachers. Thanks a lot for wasting my time and my grades

edit: Please comment

87th Birthday

Now, if you made it to your 87th birthday, how would you feel? Tired? Complete? Amazed that you lived that long, thinking of all the dumbshit you've done? Or just happy to be around your family (hopefully), knowing you've lived that long? All in assumption by this point in your life, hopefully you could just enjoy yourself.

Today was a real eye opener for me.

Today I went to the hospital, to visit a family friend of my dad's for over...god at least 20 years, his best friend's dad, Paul Christensen, (Yes, if you've met Paul he was named after his dad, and I think his dad too). It's been a rough couple years for him. 2006 I believe, he had two or three strokes, and in 2007 he broke his hip on the way to the bathroom. Ever since then I think he's had a total of 5 strokes (2 large 3 small) and a full hip replacement. And now he's in the hospital (very recently, like the last 2 weeks) for a disease that really hits home with me in particular, Pneumonia...Fuck. That. Shit. No one should have to go through any of the same shit I did. I don't even think I could wish it upon my worst enemy to suffer the same shit I did. I still have nightmares over it, and get lost over it sometimes...enough about that though.

I wasn't sure what to think when I was going to see him. Then I walked into the room.

Oh my god, is this what I looked like? A dozen tubes coming out of me. On a respirator (forces you to breathe). And just looking all sorts of hell. This man is one of the most resilient mother fuckers I've ever seen in my life. I walked in and he grabbed my hand so hard I thought he was going to crush it. I was fucking amazed. I wish I could be even half as strong as him when I hit that age. Then it hit me, the table has completely turned over 6 years. 6 years ago this man was standing on the other side of the bed wishing it was him instead of me in that bed, strong as a fucking ox even though. I looked over my friend Paul, to see him crying. Him, crying? It blew my fucking mind. He's one of the manliest men I've ever met in my life, he's always strong and macho about everything he does. And seeing his father in this state, he couldn't even hold it in. And he stood there apologizing, about how he has to be strong for him, no matter what the circumstances. And he genuinely felt bad for showing a sign of "weakness" for his father...

I never really understood why everyone never wanted to come to the hospital to come see me, it kind of hurt for a while actually, but I got over it. But coming to this...god I can't blame anyone. The hospital is a fucked up heartless place. Walking through the ICU, where I spent 3/4 of my own time in, it felt like I was walking through a living cemetery. I mean I've seen some fucked up shit in the ICU. I mean when you're in there, conscious, you can't really do anything besides look forward at all the other fucked up people in front of you. I watched a father break down into hysterics and vomit as his 2 year year old son died of brain damage in front of him, from Shaken Baby syndrome. I watched another kid, maybe my age, go into fucking cardiac arrest in the bed next to me....I was just talking to him moments before then bam. I don't even know what happened to him because I was moved out of ICU a few hours later.

Fuck the hospital and fuck illnesses, and fuck all of the pain they bring. I hope that if I ever turn 87, that I just die instead of watching others come in and feel bad that I'm such a terrible state.

But this man is fighting for his live, no matter what. He probably doesn't even have that much time left, and he's still fighting on. He even understands his chances, and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It's down right astounding that a man this strong exists. I honestly hope I can end up half the man he was. Fight on man, fight on.

This whole event put some other emotions of mine within perspective. If it weren't for this I probably would've called a few people up really confused and mad about some shit I've been trying to do, yet I've been getting ignored. But I'm not going to bitch about that right now, there are far worse things than my own troubles for now.

Wow, fuck you guy on Gmail

Where's the line drawn that defines what a kid is? Is it pre puberty? Is it before you're 18? Are you a kid until the day you turn 18? Is it until you graduate college? What the fuck is it and why are you on your fucking high horse to tell me what the fuck I am you fucking tool. Because you've been in college for the last couple years, this suddenly turns you into a god among men? Why the fuck aren't you a kid and I am? Where do you get this sudden self realization of yourself? Holy shit you're just adding to my overall frustration god damnit.

So many people I need to tell things to, some more important, some just trivial, some very, very changing. But I guess I just fail and I'll never do anything I wish I could or would.

Come 5 more weeks, let's look at 18 years in and the list of things Taylor has not done!

A list that I talk about sometimes with some of you. Some of you know the things I haven't done in the about 18 years of my life, and I'm always told "Oh don't worry Taylor, you're time will come" or "Oh don't worry wanting (something) isn't that big of a deal, you'll find the right (something) eventually"

I'm tired of eventually god damnit. What did I do to have to miss every single train stop? Why am I put on the backburner? Why do I get overlooked and ignored whenever something happens. I hate fucking complaining about shit but...god damn when do I get a break?

I'm tired of life, I'm gonna go read for Hodges and forget about my problems. Fuck this