lean on sheena

what a good song, I've been listening to it for like 7 hours now. we should play this it's such a good jam

Everything is dumb.

I wrote a really long, complicated, drawn out story here about how I'm sick of people hating on arguing then getting into really long arguments so I'll keep it short.

Everyone's a god damn liar about everything and I'm just as guilty as everyone else as well (not about arguing, I hate confrontation, always have [for obvious reasons], so I avoid them at all costs)

Last night was a fucked up dream

Wow. It was one long dream of me realizing my mortality, but the point of the dream was that I knew that I was going to be dead within a week, but it could happen at any second within that week.

So the entire dream was me making plans of what happens to me when I die, what happens at the funeral, and what happens after. With people telling me like "yep, got the casket picked out, got the plot and everything already done for ya"

So within the dream I'd feel this incredible sense of being tired, so as I was falling asleep in the dream, I'd think I was actually dying then try to snap myself back awake because I didnt want to go yet.

I was the only person who was upset about my impending death, while everyone else was just going on about their merry way, just writing me into their calender for when they needed to see me off. Friends, family, strangers, all the same reaction that I'd be dead anytime soon.

I think my dream was just one big metaphor for how death really works, that in the small picture it's important, but other than that I'm not really important at all.

The last thing I remember was sitting up against some brick wall near my old school crying, then getting picked up by someone whose face I couldnt make out, giving me a hug telling me that I'd be ok.

God this whole day has been really depressing trying to get over this dream

What's mothers day supposed to be like

when you have a normal mother, one who didn't true to sabotage your entire childhood, making you try to feel guilty for everything wrong with their fucked up life?

Being blamed for everything when you're not even 10 years old is kind of a big endeavor to be handed. It's amazing that I don't have the balls to tell her the truth only because the consequences of my wanting to be honest will only result in more damage.

PS: The solace I've found in this show aimed at young children still blows my mind

what are you supposed to do

when nothing ever works the way you want it to

when no one treats you how you'd like to be treated

when people treat you like shit, and in your retaliation treat you more like shit and blame you for the whole thing?

when the person whom you have stupid amounts of feelings for wants nothing to do with you other than keeping a good friendship

I talk about how I care more about other peoples shit than my own, which is why I always put off my shit until I help with other peoples stuff first. I simply don't care about myself enough.

Yet that alone gets me in trouble, when you don't tend to yourself you forget how vulnerable you are after a while.

Hoping sleep does me well (It wont)

It's interesting

emotions set in, leave, and then others come in and do the same thing.

It all happens so fast, I don't even know who I am

What

I.

what

huh

Social Distortion

Came up 4 times tonight on my late night adventure, each time with an altered group of people.

I'm not exactly sure I get anything anymore about music. I'm the equivalent of a ghost who's not allowed to have an opinion basically according to someone, they know everything about me and who I am to say what I can and can't do.

I enjoy how you refer to me as one of your best friends but only treat me as such when you feel it's appropriate. All of my "attitude" comes from you treating me like I'm some piece of shit, like I've explained I will do nothing but retaliate, I will not start shit because I hate all confrontation.

I don't want to act like I have to assert myself to be apart of something when I shouldn't have to. It's like a fucking clique in a clique and I've never felt more isolated in my entire life. You've mentioned to me that I miss out on a lot of good times, and yeah I might but it's pretty much because of you I choose not to a lot of times, you have physically and metaphorically tried to seal me out of so many things that I really can't handle being around you when you're not sober. In an altered state of mind you are the biggest dick in the entire world and I don't get why the fuck I'm supposed to just turn the other cheek because that's just "Who we are". Fuck that , treat me with some god damn respect if I'm one of your "best friends".

It's amazing that it's pretty much true that my opinion doesn't mean a god damn thing. I've tried to contribute things here and there and get shot down so fast and so hard everyone wonders why I don't want to put any say into anything, or why I just keep to myself. Yet we have other people who contribute some awesome shit and think it's not good enough, sigh.

In other news, singing Story of my life in the same car as a certain someone created a wave of emotion in me that I don't even know how to deal with anymore....so I'll let some silly words not written by me do it

So I sit at the edge of my bed
I strum my guitar and I sing an outlaw love song
Wonderin' bout what you're doin' now and when you're comin' back

goodnight blogger and like 2 souls who care to read this lol

Emotions are wacky

It's crazy how 2 days can make you fall right back into the same self-loathing attitudes you had throughout all of high school. And no matter how much you can look and say "Dude don't do the same thing" You do the same thing, and the same result happens.

I guess I really am the definition of Insanity, doing the exact same thing expecting different results. Dunno maybe it's just some hope lies somewhere about something somehow. Who knows, When it comes to everything else I try to look at the positive side of it, but with myself I always put myself down before everyone else.

No matter how much I want that Queen song to be true (or even that Cheap Trick song), it never will be, I hate myself.

Another thing, it's an interesting new feeling to feel alone while in a group of the best people ever at the same time, it's like an inner clique of a clique that you aren't apart of because of some silly circumstances. I try and be responsible while studying 30 hours a week and it lands me here, a place where no one really likes me or has a shred of respect for me, and a place where I'm not even getting A's in all of my classes. But hey what are you gonna do, I made the choice to do my best in school and if this is the sacrifice that I have to make, then so be it. I can't just cruise through this like I hoped.

Screw this, I do whatever I can to please people, yet all it does it make me feel miserable. I swear no one cares about me but me, yet I don't even care about myself. It's funny, you do whatever you can for as many people as you can, yet I never found anyone to throw me the rope. I give up, what point is there in hoping about anything, my own family puts me through such trivial bullshit too.

Fuck picking yourself up by your own bootstraps, god damn shitty American Work ethic that applies to everyone but me apparently

Green Car

I'm glad this money sink is gone...but I am going to kind of miss it. I've had some good memories in that car.

And some bad ones, like when I found out the girl who I was madly crazy about told me she wanted nothing to do with me, in my car, in my passenger seat, staring directly into my eyes. Sigh

Quite enough good times in that car though, I'd like to think so.

Not much else to say here

PS, stop judging me on what I eat, jesus christ just let me enjoy my fucking food.

Dear Life,

Bring it you fat whore. I'm not taking your bullshit anymore

Un-fucking-believable

I literally catch no breaks, at all, for any reason, ever. And after this eventually gets read I'll probably get more shit from people. It doesn't end I think.


It upsets me that I try to care for a family that literally treats me like shit at every turn, it's like they need a person to beat up on and because all I do is attempt to appease, I fit the role perfectly.

And no matter what I do, every situation that has 2 possible outcomes literally always leaves me looking like the bad guy


Me questioning a passive aggressive piece of shit? I'm the douche bag for "inciting" it.
I become the passive aggressive piece of shit? Then I'm just an asshole and "Always" treat people bad.

So you know what, fuck you. I've put up with your fucking attitude for 4 years, 4 years of me TRYING to make things good, but you know, I'm not perfect and I have more things in my life to worry about than your feelings if you aren't even going to respect mine... and I'm not going to bother with it anymore, don't even bother trying to abuse something that doesn't belong to me in order to "prove a point". Don't call me out on "Treating you like shit" if you're going to keep doing it to me to every single time I see you. I thought we were literally past this since we just talked about how you thought I was fucked up for doing it. Is this revenge mode, your "gotta make it even" mode? Jesus why do I even bother trying to keep the peace when all it does is bite me in the ass each time. I still remember when you shit your pants because I gave someone else more money for their birthday than I did for yours ahahaha.

I love how the "Birthday Logic" applies to everyone's birthday but my own. That might be the only upsetting thing really. I don't care if friends don't bring me hordes of gifts, money, or even cards for that matter, I just get sad when I hear "oh it's their birthday it's ok" yet on mine I don't get to play that card :( ?

Actually I take that back a bit, I get upset at not being thanked for anything "generous" I do, but when I'm not generous I'm an asshole. (I can count 3 times of one particular event that I won't talk about here) It's just one of those things where....no I don't expect to be showered with praise or anything like that, but I like recognition...


And non-platonic relationships, my goodness I'm not even gonna start on that one here. Thanks for listening blogger I'm gonna go back to my hard rock now.

How do you even compare?

2010:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hXO1v7OEpc

1989:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEL6_SuQCu8

is 22 years a long time? My goodness yes but...it's just not the same

No one's voice and demeanor stays the same forever, but the same drive in the 80s just isn't there in how they play now...

Do I say retire? No. But man, listening to their live shows from the last year compared to shit from over 20 years ago, I don't understand how they've gotten more and more boring to listen to.

I've probably watched that Seattle video a thousand times, hell I own the damn DVD, it's probably one of my favorite live performances ever.



A great friend recently made me consciously aware that I like what everyone else likes so nothing I listen to ever conflicts, and although it's not the entire idea, it's pretty much the truth. I don't like conflict, and getting told "your music sucks" over and over has gotten so tiring to the point where I don't even feel like standing up for myself for any reason. If all standing up for myself is going to do is provoke more anger for the music I like, what's the purpose in even arguing?

Do I generally like the music everyone else likes? Yeah because I'm not picky in my music. I always ask people what they like and I listen to it, and if I think it's good I'll just add it to my list of ever growing music. I can pretty much confidently say I probably have a wider array of genres, artists, and songs in my itunes library than most people (I may not have heard EVERY song in my 8k song library, but I've listened to every artist in it).

So do I have music on my library that I listen to that most people would argue "sucks"? Absolutely. I just don't play it all the time because I KNOW the majority of people would not want to listen to it.

I like the top of the charts radio top 200 bullshit, I like bands that pretty much no one has ever heard of. It's standings in relation to others means nothing to me. Influences mean nothing to me. I once wore a rise against shirt and some girl told me to listen to some band because it sounded just like rise against, went home found them and listened and it sounded like them but at the same time sounded absolutely retarded.

I dunno what the purpose of this is, I was just going through some old metallica and realized that I don't know why I don't stand up for my music. Is it because I'm lame, or is it because I'm not passionate enough, or is it because it shouldn't matter why I like something? Who knows

I'm lazy and don't want to study anatomy, peace out blogger

Thanks for having confidence in me

I appreciate not being cast aside because I'm shitty