I said I'd put my personal problems aside

but fuck it, this has been going on as long as I can even think.


I do my fucking hardest to respect the will of every. single. person who has me in their home.


When I drop off Zack, I'm quiet taking his drums inside his house

When I go to Jonathan's I keep the swearing down and try not to yell too loud

when I go to Omar's, I don't stop on the floor and act like a jackass in front of his mom

When I go to Bryan's, again I don't make a lot of noise

When I go to Lawrences, I do my absolute hardest to avoid being blasphemous

When I go to Cameron's I'm polite his mom, I don't swear, and I just act decently overall

When I've gone to Mitchell's, I'm polite and try not to act loud and obnoxious



Do you know why? It's called respect. I respect you people, and when I'm in your home, I act like I'm supposed to. Why is it that I have to feel like Rodney Dangerfield here?


I feel like my words fall on all deaf ears except for one person, and since I know this person reads this you know you are, and thank you, words really can't describe what it means when someone actually listens to me.


Is it so hard to just follow 3 rules: Be quiet, don't leave doors open, pick up after yourselves.


I don't think I'm asking for a lot, but then I have people leaving god damn trash everywhere, smoking with every door into my house fucking open, and just being really rude to my grandma's house.

I'm not quiet because I WANT TO BE QUIET, I'm quiet because I respect her. She's put up with so much of my bullshit and my dad's bullshit, being that she's 76 years old, raised 4 kids pretty much on her own, and had to deal with a wave of bullshit that culminated in my childhood, I think it's nice let her have a peaceful night's rest.

And you know what, I don't think I need to be upfront about everything, I think the majority of us know how we act to know what is and what is not OK from what's been said, I really don't think things need to be fucking written out for everyone.

If my only desires of the people in my house are asking too much, then I don't know what to say. I'm just not comfortable with this in my home. Hell I'm not even comfortable in other places unless the person is 100% ok with it. If I'm not doing something, it's not necessarily because I DONT want to, it's because I care about what others want in their homes.

I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything anymore. The more I write the sadder I get thinking that no one in general really gives two shits about me or my opinions, and to boot the dark creepy loneliness just sets in, so I'm just gonna stop and go to sleep. Sleep is the only thing that doesn't judge me these days. Goodnight

Kind of amazing how fragile life really is

This is an idea that I actually struggle with everyday, considering the only thing that keeps me going is my...will to basically NOT be dead. I complain a lot about a bunch of shit, and always wonder what kind of burden I am on people, and why people even like me sometimes.


But then something like this comes along and all of a sudden none of it matters. Out of all of the people younger than me that I actually knew, I can't imagine it to be Doug of all people. Even if our interaction was solely through debate, it was still a ton of fun.

I decided to search for him in the few albums that I actually have that you'd be in, and somehow there's not ONE picture Doug.


I think I'm just going to outwardly complain less. I don't know why I feel so shitty when shit like this happens to people all the time. I hate when people tell me "Don't complain, because there's someone who is worse off than you", and I still do because it's a gigantic logical failure, but for the moment I do feel that I'll just leave my own problems alone


I will not use trite expressions like RIP or anything like that, because they're nothing other than feel good words that are the socially acceptable thing to say. On the other hand I will say that I hope his family recovers quickly and recovers well....because I don't think I could do it.