I feel like...I'm here to satisfy a lot of needs, and get a lot of things done, and make a lot of people "happy" with things they like. Yet none of them involve me if that makes sense.
Music for one thing. I think I've only been able to fully convey the difficulty of the task at hand with recording music, and as hard as I'm trying I'm failing; crashing and burning. I've been up 3 fucking days almost straight trying to master the art of sound. Am I happy with my turnout? No fucking way, everything could be so much better....but I have no training, I've literally taught myself everything I know about this....but people make full on careers out of doing this. I try not to take it personally, but when you've got a guy going "Oh god this sounds absolutely terrible, what the fuck is wrong with the sound?" You take it and try to move on, but that's something I've created, that sound is more than just the recording, it's me in there too, it's me applying what I know to make it sound "good", and I feel like it's a part of me.
It kind of hurts to have something you tried your best on ripped apart over and over and over without even commenting on it sounding "better" than last time :(
Is it "constructive criticism"? You could argue that. But jesus murphy...cut me some god damn slack. I can't even convey in words my absolute disgust at hearing the words oh so nonchalantly "Do we just need a new sound engineer? I'm sure we could find one". I don't think anything has ever been so close to making me want to scream.
You work your ass off, you try to make people happy, you do everything you know and then some, the proverbial 110%. And it's not good enough. Nothing is good enough for anyone.
I try as hard as I can to make EVERYONE else happy,that I don't even know how to make myself happy anymore. Without sounding emo or depressed I just feel broken. And all that's there is myself to pick up my own pieces, but I want help, I write about it all the time but I really want someone there that can help me pick myself up. I'm tired of doing things on my own, there's so much on my plate that I can't get at anything.
I'm sorry I'm such an awful musician.
I'm sorry I have such a poor taste in music.
I'm sorry that I'm not good enough and I fall short of all expectations
I'm sorry I'm like a broken record and repeating my wants over and over
But somethings just don't go away. Who's there for me?
PS: When I say I spent like 6 hours learning, it was more like 25-30. I've been up since the 21st, spending most of that absorbing and learning as much as I could. I feel like Spongebob when he became a waiter.
PPS: I'm probably going say something that I'll regret within the next couple weeks, but it has to get off my chest. I hope you guys are right and that I don't hurt myself doing this, but sometimes you have to just go with what you hope is good and not what others think is good for you. I've asked for help my whole life and I make too many judgments on other opinions. I don't know how many decisions I've truly came to the conclusions 100% on my own.
guess I'll find out?
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Dear Mother
As I have just remembered a dark time in my past, I'm going to open it up here.
Oh where to begin..
You beat me, mentally destroyed me, burned me, choked me, used me for your benefits, and at its very essence, broke me.
How is an 8 year old supposed to react to "You piece of shit, get out of my house, you make me sick to my stomach" when you just wanted a parent to give you a hug from a bad day at school?
I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, or know more than any of the 3 people who look at this, or even act like I'm better but realistically:
-Have you ever been physically beaten by a parent verbally or physically every single day of your waking life for nearly 12 years?
-Have you ever wanted to just leave home, and not just "run away" I literally mean leave, and hope that being homeless works out well?
-Have you ever wished you didn't exist because at least your "mother" would be better off?
-Have you ever been afraid of fucking coming home, and taking as much time getting there because you knew something was going to destroy your soul the moment you got home?
-Did you have a safe house you could sneak out to when your mom was on a rampage breaking all of the things you loved? (Why else did I have 4 fucking SNES's...)
Well years 4-12~ were essentially this. No matter what happened, I was on the chopping block for her fucked up mentality. I have a scar somewhere on my left arm from her putting a cigarette out because I was "acting out". I've been choked to near unconsciousness because she thought it was funny, I've been verbally abused to the point where I take EVERY insult very very personally (In jest or not, everything hurts me. I just try not to show it). I've been kicked around, I've been kicked out of a car three miles from my house and forced to walk home.
You know that feeling of adrenaline when you see something scary? Imagine that everytime you walked home from school and saw your front door...
How is a small child supposed to feel about being insulted when every insult growing up was a stab at who they were, how "awful" they were, and how shitty their lives had become because we exist?
My dad got the right idea divorcing her stupid ass for being a giant slut. She had such a good life, no work, and a husband bringing home around 4-6 grand a month? She had everything she could've wanted, but she chose to be a fucking whore.
Too bad his leaving left me and my sister to grow up in that piece of shit house. Sure he cared about us, but what could he do legally? HE left HER. sigh...
She went through tons of boyfriends, all of which were pitiful excuses for human beings. Let me start with real stories now
Boyfriend A: Don't remember how or what led to this, but she thought it would be really funny if she could impress him some more by making him laugh. So she called me out, told me to hold my head against a 2" thick sliding glass door, which she then kicked with full force into my face. I don't remember much besides sprinting to my room in blinding agony. Every single muscle and bit of tissue on my face was just in blinding pain. I came out like 2 hours later calmed down, maybe thinking I'd upset her somehow and was going to apologize to her, instead her boyfriend pointed and laughed and said, and I'll never forget "WOW LOOK AT THE LITTLE FUCKS FACE! NICE GOING BABY!" and they just laughed...and laughed...and laughed.
So I took my dad's screwdriver to that fucker's tires and popped all of them. Then took my t-ball bat and annihilated his right fender, and would've done more damage but he heard me and broke up with my mom on the spot.
Boyfriend B: Basically had a total bitch for a daughter. Was a year older than me and thought she could get away with murder. One day my mom, boyfriend, and daughter all went out for the weekend (yeah go figure, my own mom wouldnt give enough shit about me to consider me to want to go on a trip somewhere). Trashman came on monday, they came on tuesday. The daughter had been abusing me the same way my mom had for about a month because she figured she could get away with it(she did). So I decided to take all of her shit and put it on the curb. Bed. Mattress. Clothes. Dresser...anything that wasnt bolted down was getting fucking trashed. I got as much food as I could, grabbed my phone, bolted my windows, and just sat there waiting for them to come home to see her precious new "daughters" shit GONE. I fled the house at night for about a week to my best friend, when I came home they had broken up and it was like nothing ever happened which was weird.
Boyfriend C: Basically knocked my ass around and threatened me to never say anything to anyone, on grounds of...i dont even remember it's blocked from my mind. Mom didn't care, was too afraid to tell anyone because I thought he was omnipotent. So I figured since everyone hated me, there was no use in having two people who hated me. Slowly overtime I began to get rid of all of his things from my house. And I remember seeing a picture in a heart frame that was two pictures cut together to make their picture the "heart" one of the pictures was a family photo from when I was two and her and dad were still together....we were both cut out so boyfriend and her were in and no one else.
It was the first time I remember being both upset and completely heartbroken. I'd been abused and screamed at countless times, but I had never been CUT from something. I don't remember much from that day after something in me snapped. I barricaded myself in my room with that picture just sobbing for days. When I finally came out during the day, he was there and he said to me another sentence I'll never forget, "So you fat little shit are you done trying to fuck things up for me?" The last thing I vividly remember was my t-ball bat (again, gotta love the thing, I still have it somewhere) hitting him as hard as I could in his knee before I took off over my ladder int he backyard to my friends house. Where I again hid for a while.
When I came home, it was the first time my mom grabbed me by the neck and choked me until I almost passed out. Apparently she got a kick out of that so she kept doing it...
Which eventually transformed into kicking, and around 7th grade was punching me in the back of the head as hard as she could...
Which turns into my favorite revenge story. Back in 7th grade I remember doing some ridiculous amount of homework for Ms. Yang's awful class. And I had a huge CRT monitor and a brand new computer. I vividly remember seeing her trying to sneak up on me to hit me. So I led her on thinking she could have her good ol' time with the back of my head...
So once I saw the wind up and the punch, I moved and dodged that shit like the matrix making her lose all her balance. Grabbed the stupid cunt by the neck, threw her dumbass against the glass door she kicked me on, and proceeded to hit her as hard as I fucking could. Dropped her to the ground while was she coughing and crying her eyes out. Got real close and screamed "DO NOT. FUCK. WITH ME."
And it stopped. She never said anything to me after that, acted like we were buddy buddy, and like it was all ok, as if nothing ever happened. Then I found a bunch of Speed in her closet, and told the counselors about it, and she got arrested and I never had to go back to that hellhole...
And you know the part that fucking kills me to this day? She acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. Like she never did anything wrong by me, and that I was taken from her because she had one mess up.
***I'll never be able to fully embrace someone because I'm scared of getting my ass beat, every "quick" action makes me flinch (you should know me, and have noticed this by now)
***I can never take a compliment or an insult because I'm afraid of their being a deep seated hatred. I've lost many people over the years who have "hated" me, I don't know how much more I can take.
***I can never tell anyone how I feel about them, how much I care about them, how much I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how much I care about them (whether it be a friendship or romantic), because I'm so scared of pushing anyone away because I can't deal with anymore bullshit in my life.
My mom tells me how much she wants me to help her with this and that, and how close we are now, and how she wants things to be "different" between us, but can't even apologize to me for how she fucked me up.
So... Dear Mom,
Hope you've had a great life, because you've broken mine.
Thanks to you I'll never be able to fully embrace who I could've been or who I even am.
To all the booze, all the cigarettes, all the drugs, and all your bullshit.
For the beatings, the bruises, the burns, and my broken soul.
For all of of the hopes that I had that you'd accept me
For all the damage you caused
I will never love you.
If you were to die tomorrow, my only regret is that I couldn't make you feel even half as bad as you have made me feel.
With all do respect, please disappear, if I never saw you again it would be too soon. You were not, and will never be my "Mom"
I need a shower, that was too much anger for one sitting. If you have anything to say go ahead, I do enjoy responses.
Oh where to begin..
You beat me, mentally destroyed me, burned me, choked me, used me for your benefits, and at its very essence, broke me.
How is an 8 year old supposed to react to "You piece of shit, get out of my house, you make me sick to my stomach" when you just wanted a parent to give you a hug from a bad day at school?
I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, or know more than any of the 3 people who look at this, or even act like I'm better but realistically:
-Have you ever been physically beaten by a parent verbally or physically every single day of your waking life for nearly 12 years?
-Have you ever wanted to just leave home, and not just "run away" I literally mean leave, and hope that being homeless works out well?
-Have you ever wished you didn't exist because at least your "mother" would be better off?
-Have you ever been afraid of fucking coming home, and taking as much time getting there because you knew something was going to destroy your soul the moment you got home?
-Did you have a safe house you could sneak out to when your mom was on a rampage breaking all of the things you loved? (Why else did I have 4 fucking SNES's...)
Well years 4-12~ were essentially this. No matter what happened, I was on the chopping block for her fucked up mentality. I have a scar somewhere on my left arm from her putting a cigarette out because I was "acting out". I've been choked to near unconsciousness because she thought it was funny, I've been verbally abused to the point where I take EVERY insult very very personally (In jest or not, everything hurts me. I just try not to show it). I've been kicked around, I've been kicked out of a car three miles from my house and forced to walk home.
You know that feeling of adrenaline when you see something scary? Imagine that everytime you walked home from school and saw your front door...
How is a small child supposed to feel about being insulted when every insult growing up was a stab at who they were, how "awful" they were, and how shitty their lives had become because we exist?
My dad got the right idea divorcing her stupid ass for being a giant slut. She had such a good life, no work, and a husband bringing home around 4-6 grand a month? She had everything she could've wanted, but she chose to be a fucking whore.
Too bad his leaving left me and my sister to grow up in that piece of shit house. Sure he cared about us, but what could he do legally? HE left HER. sigh...
She went through tons of boyfriends, all of which were pitiful excuses for human beings. Let me start with real stories now
Boyfriend A: Don't remember how or what led to this, but she thought it would be really funny if she could impress him some more by making him laugh. So she called me out, told me to hold my head against a 2" thick sliding glass door, which she then kicked with full force into my face. I don't remember much besides sprinting to my room in blinding agony. Every single muscle and bit of tissue on my face was just in blinding pain. I came out like 2 hours later calmed down, maybe thinking I'd upset her somehow and was going to apologize to her, instead her boyfriend pointed and laughed and said, and I'll never forget "WOW LOOK AT THE LITTLE FUCKS FACE! NICE GOING BABY!" and they just laughed...and laughed...and laughed.
So I took my dad's screwdriver to that fucker's tires and popped all of them. Then took my t-ball bat and annihilated his right fender, and would've done more damage but he heard me and broke up with my mom on the spot.
Boyfriend B: Basically had a total bitch for a daughter. Was a year older than me and thought she could get away with murder. One day my mom, boyfriend, and daughter all went out for the weekend (yeah go figure, my own mom wouldnt give enough shit about me to consider me to want to go on a trip somewhere). Trashman came on monday, they came on tuesday. The daughter had been abusing me the same way my mom had for about a month because she figured she could get away with it(she did). So I decided to take all of her shit and put it on the curb. Bed. Mattress. Clothes. Dresser...anything that wasnt bolted down was getting fucking trashed. I got as much food as I could, grabbed my phone, bolted my windows, and just sat there waiting for them to come home to see her precious new "daughters" shit GONE. I fled the house at night for about a week to my best friend, when I came home they had broken up and it was like nothing ever happened which was weird.
Boyfriend C: Basically knocked my ass around and threatened me to never say anything to anyone, on grounds of...i dont even remember it's blocked from my mind. Mom didn't care, was too afraid to tell anyone because I thought he was omnipotent. So I figured since everyone hated me, there was no use in having two people who hated me. Slowly overtime I began to get rid of all of his things from my house. And I remember seeing a picture in a heart frame that was two pictures cut together to make their picture the "heart" one of the pictures was a family photo from when I was two and her and dad were still together....we were both cut out so boyfriend and her were in and no one else.
It was the first time I remember being both upset and completely heartbroken. I'd been abused and screamed at countless times, but I had never been CUT from something. I don't remember much from that day after something in me snapped. I barricaded myself in my room with that picture just sobbing for days. When I finally came out during the day, he was there and he said to me another sentence I'll never forget, "So you fat little shit are you done trying to fuck things up for me?" The last thing I vividly remember was my t-ball bat (again, gotta love the thing, I still have it somewhere) hitting him as hard as I could in his knee before I took off over my ladder int he backyard to my friends house. Where I again hid for a while.
When I came home, it was the first time my mom grabbed me by the neck and choked me until I almost passed out. Apparently she got a kick out of that so she kept doing it...
Which eventually transformed into kicking, and around 7th grade was punching me in the back of the head as hard as she could...
Which turns into my favorite revenge story. Back in 7th grade I remember doing some ridiculous amount of homework for Ms. Yang's awful class. And I had a huge CRT monitor and a brand new computer. I vividly remember seeing her trying to sneak up on me to hit me. So I led her on thinking she could have her good ol' time with the back of my head...
So once I saw the wind up and the punch, I moved and dodged that shit like the matrix making her lose all her balance. Grabbed the stupid cunt by the neck, threw her dumbass against the glass door she kicked me on, and proceeded to hit her as hard as I fucking could. Dropped her to the ground while was she coughing and crying her eyes out. Got real close and screamed "DO NOT. FUCK. WITH ME."
And it stopped. She never said anything to me after that, acted like we were buddy buddy, and like it was all ok, as if nothing ever happened. Then I found a bunch of Speed in her closet, and told the counselors about it, and she got arrested and I never had to go back to that hellhole...
And you know the part that fucking kills me to this day? She acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. Like she never did anything wrong by me, and that I was taken from her because she had one mess up.
***I'll never be able to fully embrace someone because I'm scared of getting my ass beat, every "quick" action makes me flinch (you should know me, and have noticed this by now)
***I can never take a compliment or an insult because I'm afraid of their being a deep seated hatred. I've lost many people over the years who have "hated" me, I don't know how much more I can take.
***I can never tell anyone how I feel about them, how much I care about them, how much I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how much I care about them (whether it be a friendship or romantic), because I'm so scared of pushing anyone away because I can't deal with anymore bullshit in my life.
My mom tells me how much she wants me to help her with this and that, and how close we are now, and how she wants things to be "different" between us, but can't even apologize to me for how she fucked me up.
So... Dear Mom,
Hope you've had a great life, because you've broken mine.
Thanks to you I'll never be able to fully embrace who I could've been or who I even am.
To all the booze, all the cigarettes, all the drugs, and all your bullshit.
For the beatings, the bruises, the burns, and my broken soul.
For all of of the hopes that I had that you'd accept me
For all the damage you caused
I will never love you.
If you were to die tomorrow, my only regret is that I couldn't make you feel even half as bad as you have made me feel.
With all do respect, please disappear, if I never saw you again it would be too soon. You were not, and will never be my "Mom"
I need a shower, that was too much anger for one sitting. If you have anything to say go ahead, I do enjoy responses.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
not much to say but
Do I tell the three people I NEED to talk to how I feel?
Or do I just let it all go? Everything in life just passes me by left and right. Even if it hurts I don't want to be left alone anymore. I can't stand it.
Or do I just let it all go? Everything in life just passes me by left and right. Even if it hurts I don't want to be left alone anymore. I can't stand it.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I think I have a new favorite song
It took me a long time of ignoring someone's suggestions to listen to this damn album, but it really is absolutely fantastic, and the few people who read this should give it a look.
Against Me! - Reinventing Axl Rose
We want a band that plays loud and hard every night
And doesn't care how many people are counted at the door
That would travel one million miles
and ask for nothing but a plate of food and a place to rest
They'd strike chords that cut like a knife
It'd mean so much more than a t-shirt or a ticket stub
They would stop at nothing short of a massacre
And everyone would leave with the memory there was no place else in the world
And this was where they always belonged
And we would dance like no one was watching
With one fist in the air
Our arenas just basements
and bookstores across an underground America
With this fire we could light
With this fire we could (light)
Just gimme a scene where the music is free
And the beer is not the life of the party
And there's no need to shit talk or impress
'Cause honesty and emotion are not looked down upon
And every promise that's made and bragged
is meant if not kept
We'd do it all because we have to, not because we know why
Beyond a gender, race, and class,
we could find what really holds us back
Let's make everybody sing
That they are the beginning and ending of everything
And we are stronger than everything they taught us that we should fear
Everything these days just seems....I don't know, is fake even a good word for it anymore? It's almost like a large facade, and personally I can't fucking stand it. I mean I'm guilty of it, but I'm not sure it's the same thing. Every night for the last year and a half I've been telling myself in one way or another that, "It's ok Taylor, tomorrow's gonna be your day! Something will go well for you"
And frankly I almost don't know why I bother anymore, why do I psyche myself up for inevitable heartache? Every night I tell myself the same mantra, and every morning I wake up repeat it, just in case something nice happens to me. It just makes me feel bad that I don't think anyone actually cares about me in the long run. I've tried both making myself a presence, and just being a wall flower, and nothing ever gets me noticed or accepted by anyone. And to boot it makes me sad that the days I consider "good" are so far and few between these days. The other day was probably the longest "happy/good" I've felt in ages, and I'm so scared that it'll be the last time in who knows how long I'll feel wanted/cared for again.
And Omar, I'm afraid of it too, more than I put off or act like, I act like it's nothing, but it's my facade really, I don't like acting like I'm not in control of my emotions so I do my best to not show any, it's pretty much why I left Ryan's the other night.
I don't know. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but I want to feel wanted :(
PS: Off topic, but I don't think anyone can relate to this. Do you know how fucking weird of a feeling it is that everything sucks to me sometimes, yet I force myself to live longer with insulin? If I ever felt fucked I could just not give myself any. I am the only person in full control of my well-being, and I continuously force myself to feel bad?
It really is hope, I'm always hoping. Maybe this person will see me one day, and maybe they'll accept me. I just want to be accepted.
And now I'm off to see a movie that I just learned about lol
Against Me! - Reinventing Axl Rose
We want a band that plays loud and hard every night
And doesn't care how many people are counted at the door
That would travel one million miles
and ask for nothing but a plate of food and a place to rest
They'd strike chords that cut like a knife
It'd mean so much more than a t-shirt or a ticket stub
They would stop at nothing short of a massacre
And everyone would leave with the memory there was no place else in the world
And this was where they always belonged
And we would dance like no one was watching
With one fist in the air
Our arenas just basements
and bookstores across an underground America
With this fire we could light
With this fire we could (light)
Just gimme a scene where the music is free
And the beer is not the life of the party
And there's no need to shit talk or impress
'Cause honesty and emotion are not looked down upon
And every promise that's made and bragged
is meant if not kept
We'd do it all because we have to, not because we know why
Beyond a gender, race, and class,
we could find what really holds us back
Let's make everybody sing
That they are the beginning and ending of everything
And we are stronger than everything they taught us that we should fear
Everything these days just seems....I don't know, is fake even a good word for it anymore? It's almost like a large facade, and personally I can't fucking stand it. I mean I'm guilty of it, but I'm not sure it's the same thing. Every night for the last year and a half I've been telling myself in one way or another that, "It's ok Taylor, tomorrow's gonna be your day! Something will go well for you"
And frankly I almost don't know why I bother anymore, why do I psyche myself up for inevitable heartache? Every night I tell myself the same mantra, and every morning I wake up repeat it, just in case something nice happens to me. It just makes me feel bad that I don't think anyone actually cares about me in the long run. I've tried both making myself a presence, and just being a wall flower, and nothing ever gets me noticed or accepted by anyone. And to boot it makes me sad that the days I consider "good" are so far and few between these days. The other day was probably the longest "happy/good" I've felt in ages, and I'm so scared that it'll be the last time in who knows how long I'll feel wanted/cared for again.
And Omar, I'm afraid of it too, more than I put off or act like, I act like it's nothing, but it's my facade really, I don't like acting like I'm not in control of my emotions so I do my best to not show any, it's pretty much why I left Ryan's the other night.
I don't know. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but I want to feel wanted :(
PS: Off topic, but I don't think anyone can relate to this. Do you know how fucking weird of a feeling it is that everything sucks to me sometimes, yet I force myself to live longer with insulin? If I ever felt fucked I could just not give myself any. I am the only person in full control of my well-being, and I continuously force myself to feel bad?
It really is hope, I'm always hoping. Maybe this person will see me one day, and maybe they'll accept me. I just want to be accepted.
And now I'm off to see a movie that I just learned about lol
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I don't have much to say
"Hope" is all I can muster up now. And for many many reasons.
Hope that I finally get noticed, hope that I stop fucking up everything I strive for. Hope that everything just stops falling apart.
And that maybe things can just work out for me. Just once, I'd like to not wake up terrified that I'm gonna ruin anything that's anywhere.
Maybe? I don't know. We'll find out another day.
either way today was probably one of the best days in forever....until all the hate for not drinking. Even though I'm running people around fucking town to do shit. I couldnt ever live with myself, ever, if I just willingly let someone drive away fucking drunk. This shit isn't a god damn video game
Hope that I finally get noticed, hope that I stop fucking up everything I strive for. Hope that everything just stops falling apart.
And that maybe things can just work out for me. Just once, I'd like to not wake up terrified that I'm gonna ruin anything that's anywhere.
Maybe? I don't know. We'll find out another day.
either way today was probably one of the best days in forever....until all the hate for not drinking. Even though I'm running people around fucking town to do shit. I couldnt ever live with myself, ever, if I just willingly let someone drive away fucking drunk. This shit isn't a god damn video game
Saturday, July 3, 2010
And this is why I enjoy not drinking
Everyone treats me worse the less drunk I am then them. Being sick, and being diabetic, I just don't want to bother with the hassle. I don't like not being in control and just being all over the fucking place. I guess growing up in hospitals has made me grow to hate not being in control considering the first time I woke up from a surgery I punched the surgeon in the face and then punched the shit out of my legs panicking since my eyes weren't working yet.
I will admit I'll probably smoke some more weed though, Being drunk just made me feel like a complete moron and I hate that level of dumbness
I will admit I'll probably smoke some more weed though, Being drunk just made me feel like a complete moron and I hate that level of dumbness
Friday, July 2, 2010
Last time complaining for a while
Every night I stare directly at my wall, same spot usually, and go through a lot of what-if's in my head. I don't know why, it doesn't change anything, only goes to make me feel bad, or worse.
Some not so serious. What if I didn't buy that food? What if I didn't overeat all the god damn time.
Some more serious. What if I didn't survive surgery in 2004? What if I never went to the hospital to see if I was ok when I was diagnosed with some astronomically crazy high blood sugar and diabetes?
And lots of in-betweens, mostly the in-betweens
Have I changed anything? Have I done anything? Could I know I'm dying in the next 20 minutes and say I've lived a fun eventful life? Have I done everything I've wanted up until this point?
I can't answer any of those questions, other than "probably not", and it's a real downer honestly. I try and make the best out of what I can, and all I do is feel like a doormat. But when I attempt to not feel like a doormat, people lash out at me and get all pissy and go into a defensive rage, and I'm tired of both. Why can't there ever be a fucking compromise with anyone ever?
Am I the last person left alive who's willing to make sacrifices, but fully expects the other person to as well?
I do so many things without even blinking these days to simply be helpful, and what I assume is considered "Friendly", but people don't do anything for me. And if I don't meet people's assumed expectations of ME, everything just goes all haywire and shit everywhere. There's no one out there trying to help me through anything, there's no one out there to hold my hand when shit goes bad. there's no one there to help me be efficient. There's no one to help me to do anything I'd like to do, but me. There's gentle nudges every now and then, but where's my helping hand to guide me when I need it? Of course I don't expect it to happen constantly, but once in a while isn't too much is it...
I can't even make suggestions to anyone anymore without feeling like I've offended people god damn. Why is EVERYONE these days so... I don't know, angry at things that aren't them? When did everything become if "you think it's not right, then you're probably just wrong"
I'm not perfect, I make lots of mistakes, and I like being corrected, I love it. If I'm wrong, and a person knows it, I love knowing why it's "wrong". But jesus people need to learn to accept just as much criticism as they can dish out.
Also I was asked today why I don't just partake in making fun of things as often as everyone else. And I had to think about it, and I don't know honestly.
But I can start with 2 things. 1) I feel like I take things much more personally these days with insults, and I don't even know why, so I personally don't bother. So many things that are said to me just hurt and I don't even know why. (so many different people talking me down I guess wears me down throughout the day). I mean I'm not one to judge, but I probably take a fair amount of shit from so many sources. Family, friends, and a bunch of shit online. I don't want to seem like I'm just a little bitch who can't handle anything, but sometimes people just lay it on thick, and just keep going, and going and going. And it just wears me out to the point where I don't even WANT to try anymore.
2) I'm just...not in a good state of mind anymore. I'm tired of just so many things that I haven't done or experienced (I guess there's one person who'll read this that'll know what I'm talking about. lol) and after so many years of just being shut down I suppose I'm just not able to push things down and away anymore, there's no room left.
Someone said to me like 3 or 4 days ago, "Stop complaining like a little bitch and take life by the horns and bend it to your will" And as true as I know this to probably be, I'm exhausted, can't someone else help me? Can anybody find me?
PS: Unlike other blogs this isn't really directed at anyone anymore. It's just a pent up shit ton of things
late.
Some not so serious. What if I didn't buy that food? What if I didn't overeat all the god damn time.
Some more serious. What if I didn't survive surgery in 2004? What if I never went to the hospital to see if I was ok when I was diagnosed with some astronomically crazy high blood sugar and diabetes?
And lots of in-betweens, mostly the in-betweens
Have I changed anything? Have I done anything? Could I know I'm dying in the next 20 minutes and say I've lived a fun eventful life? Have I done everything I've wanted up until this point?
I can't answer any of those questions, other than "probably not", and it's a real downer honestly. I try and make the best out of what I can, and all I do is feel like a doormat. But when I attempt to not feel like a doormat, people lash out at me and get all pissy and go into a defensive rage, and I'm tired of both. Why can't there ever be a fucking compromise with anyone ever?
Am I the last person left alive who's willing to make sacrifices, but fully expects the other person to as well?
I do so many things without even blinking these days to simply be helpful, and what I assume is considered "Friendly", but people don't do anything for me. And if I don't meet people's assumed expectations of ME, everything just goes all haywire and shit everywhere. There's no one out there trying to help me through anything, there's no one out there to hold my hand when shit goes bad. there's no one there to help me be efficient. There's no one to help me to do anything I'd like to do, but me. There's gentle nudges every now and then, but where's my helping hand to guide me when I need it? Of course I don't expect it to happen constantly, but once in a while isn't too much is it...
I can't even make suggestions to anyone anymore without feeling like I've offended people god damn. Why is EVERYONE these days so... I don't know, angry at things that aren't them? When did everything become if "you think it's not right, then you're probably just wrong"
I'm not perfect, I make lots of mistakes, and I like being corrected, I love it. If I'm wrong, and a person knows it, I love knowing why it's "wrong". But jesus people need to learn to accept just as much criticism as they can dish out.
Also I was asked today why I don't just partake in making fun of things as often as everyone else. And I had to think about it, and I don't know honestly.
But I can start with 2 things. 1) I feel like I take things much more personally these days with insults, and I don't even know why, so I personally don't bother. So many things that are said to me just hurt and I don't even know why. (so many different people talking me down I guess wears me down throughout the day). I mean I'm not one to judge, but I probably take a fair amount of shit from so many sources. Family, friends, and a bunch of shit online. I don't want to seem like I'm just a little bitch who can't handle anything, but sometimes people just lay it on thick, and just keep going, and going and going. And it just wears me out to the point where I don't even WANT to try anymore.
2) I'm just...not in a good state of mind anymore. I'm tired of just so many things that I haven't done or experienced (I guess there's one person who'll read this that'll know what I'm talking about. lol) and after so many years of just being shut down I suppose I'm just not able to push things down and away anymore, there's no room left.
Someone said to me like 3 or 4 days ago, "Stop complaining like a little bitch and take life by the horns and bend it to your will" And as true as I know this to probably be, I'm exhausted, can't someone else help me? Can anybody find me?
PS: Unlike other blogs this isn't really directed at anyone anymore. It's just a pent up shit ton of things
late.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
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