Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
This is it
7 minutes ago I was driving home. I got to Orangewood and Valley View, and waited at a red light.
The arrow turned green.
As I go to make my turn, a red Porsche probably doing 100 decides to run the red at the same time, in the far right lane. I see nothing but high beams literally in my face as I turn, and I thought to myself as I try to maneuver, "So, that's it"
And in some miraculous luck, the car literally drives RIGHT past me...inches away from the very front of my car. I don't even understand how I'm here right now. It's like something out a movie, my car should've been absolutely wrecked....and so should I
And as I pulled into my drive way, nerves a tad shot, I thought to myself, I didn't scream, and didn't panic that hard, the only thing that decided to pain me was my heart filled with about 20 gallons of nothing but regret. My life didn't necessarily "Flash before my eyes" but I felt for about a fraction of a second regret for not accomplishing anything.
I have so many emotions to express to people, but I'm so afraid of saying of them for fear of driving them away. I can't take it anymore, although it doesn't make any sense, I don't know if I could live with myself without some things being out in the open.
I'm not naming names, but you all probably can figure it out
Person A: I don't understand what's wrong. We talk and talk, I feel like you're a brother. But I feel I've been wronged, and I can't tell you because you're just going to take it back out on me, or blame someone else for your emotions. You tell me you hate people giving you shit and excuses, and that you want me to never change, I want you to do the same. Stop blaming so many external causes and straight up tell me what's bothering you. I've told you you can't offend me by telling me the truth, and as cliche as it sounds, it hurts more to have you not tell me anything. I talk about it with everyone but you in an attempt to understand you. I don't talk behind your back if you want to call it that, I talk to people to try and understand what's wrong. I'm scared, none of this makes sense to me. I don't understand what I've done to anyone these days, and yet everyone treats me like a mat, and I just take it. I know you know how I feel, just...don't leave me :(
Person B: How have we grown so distant? What the fuck happened. The sad part is I think we both know it and can't fix it. Maybe time will? I don't know. Shit you don't even read this and I know that because we don't even talk anymore. At one point I considered you one of my best friends, yet it's like I don't exist anymore. I swear the only reason we even got close is that I was the only one that started to talk. You just talked to me first. The pictures are still in my glove compartment I'd like you to know.
Person C: You drive me crazy, in a good way? It just makes me sad that I don't know if I can ever tell you what I want to tell you, about you. Is it fear of dejection? Is it fear of everyone else? Do I not want to make you run for the hills? To be honest, as much as I've thought about it, I CAN'T even answer this question. Whether I know the reasoning for it or not, you're one of the last people who genuinely makes me happy. And I'm probably crazy for thinking so much about it, but really I've got nothing left to lose....so why dont I just outright say it? I...wow over a blog it's still scary for me to do. Even writing this to you probably won't make a bit of difference, you'll just end up hating me and I'll be right in the end probably :|
Person D: I'm sorry I'm a terrible _____. I try every single day to help make changes in your life, but I guess I don't matter as much as I'd hoped for you to stick around as long as you can. All of the shit you do to yourself hurts me more than you think. Every. single. day. I think to myself what I'll do when you're not there for me anymore. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Not a day goes by where I don't worry about you...I don't think you could worry me any more than you already do unless you started shooting heroin or some shit. I ask you every day what do you want me to do to help you, but I guess you just don't care. Because even though nothing drives me anymore, I still take care of myself in the hopes that one day something will. I couldnt live with myself letting my body go to such waste.
All I am is a big hypocrite who I guess can't do what he preaches.
Sometimes I wish a lot of things would've stopped me from existing. I don't even understand what pushes me at all. Diabetes will fucking bankrupt me if I don't get at least a mildly successful career. Who is going to want anything to do with me anyway? There's nothing about me that anyone would like: I'm not attractive, I'm not that outgoing, I'm not that great at anything, I literally do nothing but make people mad at me. And when I try to get someone to feel something for me, or hope that someone would feel something for me, it's like I'm the douchebag for wanting affection from
someone.
I'm tired of these late nights, what does a guy have to do to get some good feelings around here?
I need a shower I'm not sleeping tonight
The arrow turned green.
As I go to make my turn, a red Porsche probably doing 100 decides to run the red at the same time, in the far right lane. I see nothing but high beams literally in my face as I turn, and I thought to myself as I try to maneuver, "So, that's it"
And in some miraculous luck, the car literally drives RIGHT past me...inches away from the very front of my car. I don't even understand how I'm here right now. It's like something out a movie, my car should've been absolutely wrecked....and so should I
And as I pulled into my drive way, nerves a tad shot, I thought to myself, I didn't scream, and didn't panic that hard, the only thing that decided to pain me was my heart filled with about 20 gallons of nothing but regret. My life didn't necessarily "Flash before my eyes" but I felt for about a fraction of a second regret for not accomplishing anything.
I have so many emotions to express to people, but I'm so afraid of saying of them for fear of driving them away. I can't take it anymore, although it doesn't make any sense, I don't know if I could live with myself without some things being out in the open.
I'm not naming names, but you all probably can figure it out
Person A: I don't understand what's wrong. We talk and talk, I feel like you're a brother. But I feel I've been wronged, and I can't tell you because you're just going to take it back out on me, or blame someone else for your emotions. You tell me you hate people giving you shit and excuses, and that you want me to never change, I want you to do the same. Stop blaming so many external causes and straight up tell me what's bothering you. I've told you you can't offend me by telling me the truth, and as cliche as it sounds, it hurts more to have you not tell me anything. I talk about it with everyone but you in an attempt to understand you. I don't talk behind your back if you want to call it that, I talk to people to try and understand what's wrong. I'm scared, none of this makes sense to me. I don't understand what I've done to anyone these days, and yet everyone treats me like a mat, and I just take it. I know you know how I feel, just...don't leave me :(
Person B: How have we grown so distant? What the fuck happened. The sad part is I think we both know it and can't fix it. Maybe time will? I don't know. Shit you don't even read this and I know that because we don't even talk anymore. At one point I considered you one of my best friends, yet it's like I don't exist anymore. I swear the only reason we even got close is that I was the only one that started to talk. You just talked to me first. The pictures are still in my glove compartment I'd like you to know.
Person C: You drive me crazy, in a good way? It just makes me sad that I don't know if I can ever tell you what I want to tell you, about you. Is it fear of dejection? Is it fear of everyone else? Do I not want to make you run for the hills? To be honest, as much as I've thought about it, I CAN'T even answer this question. Whether I know the reasoning for it or not, you're one of the last people who genuinely makes me happy. And I'm probably crazy for thinking so much about it, but really I've got nothing left to lose....so why dont I just outright say it? I...wow over a blog it's still scary for me to do. Even writing this to you probably won't make a bit of difference, you'll just end up hating me and I'll be right in the end probably :|
Person D: I'm sorry I'm a terrible _____. I try every single day to help make changes in your life, but I guess I don't matter as much as I'd hoped for you to stick around as long as you can. All of the shit you do to yourself hurts me more than you think. Every. single. day. I think to myself what I'll do when you're not there for me anymore. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Not a day goes by where I don't worry about you...I don't think you could worry me any more than you already do unless you started shooting heroin or some shit. I ask you every day what do you want me to do to help you, but I guess you just don't care. Because even though nothing drives me anymore, I still take care of myself in the hopes that one day something will. I couldnt live with myself letting my body go to such waste.
All I am is a big hypocrite who I guess can't do what he preaches.
Sometimes I wish a lot of things would've stopped me from existing. I don't even understand what pushes me at all. Diabetes will fucking bankrupt me if I don't get at least a mildly successful career. Who is going to want anything to do with me anyway? There's nothing about me that anyone would like: I'm not attractive, I'm not that outgoing, I'm not that great at anything, I literally do nothing but make people mad at me. And when I try to get someone to feel something for me, or hope that someone would feel something for me, it's like I'm the douchebag for wanting affection from
someone.
I'm tired of these late nights, what does a guy have to do to get some good feelings around here?
I need a shower I'm not sleeping tonight
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