Do you feel like guessing who you are?
1-3 All three of you will read this because I know you three read this, I know this because I hear that you three read it all the time, whether you comment or not. I don't think I'd be who I am without you. I'll leave it at that.
4. I know you feel like you get shit on, but we all shit all over each other (ew.) You really need to just relax and accept the fact that we're a bunch of douches to each other, and that's just who we are
5. I feel like I totally bailed out on you for other shit and I feel really bad :( Don't hate me
6. So we're not friends anymore or something? You don't like me because you think I'm an asshole? An asshole about what? People don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Why the hell would you even tell me some shit like that and say you're still my friend, what kind of shit is that? "You're an asshole but I like you still" Right. Whatever you say. Pretty fucked up in my opinion, unless you're playing with me, which again I don't appreciate. You tell me I'm not playing any games. fuck that
7. I think you need a break, did you ever get one? I have no idea but you really do. Go on a vacation or something. Get away from every single person you know, I think you need it
8. I'm so fucking happy that we cleared just about everything up. No matter what happens now I think we can go on with life fairly happy. But I will always wonder, no matter what happens, what if?
9. Why does everyone get mad at you so much? I mean sure you complain but we all do. I don't get it really. Maybe I'm missing something about you but who knows.
10,11. You'll never read this because you two aren't seniors. But stop throwing. Please.
12. I feel like we're just distanced, but for no reason. Until like freshmen year we used to be really awesome friends. then shit happened and we stopped talking until like last year. I don't even know why, wtf happened?
13. You're cool, but annoying as fuck sometimes. I don't know how much more I could've taken before that breaking point occurred, and I would've strangled you, good lord o_o.
14. Stop eating lunch with us for fucks sake. We didn't appreciate your bullshit in 9th grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, or now. You're a fucking waste of a space.
15. I should've gotten to know you better before this year. I've hung out with you like 4 times outside of school and that was some of the funnest shit ever
16. I think you drove us away from anything possibly serious. Fucking hell why didn't you take anything seriously. I give up here.
17. I wonder what would life would be like if you didn't beat me up in Bio?
18. You don't get enough credit for the shit you do for like, everyone. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're one of three people who will be the only reason I pass Gov.
19. We keep blowing each other off inadvertently, and it's pissing me off. Let's just do something. Damn
20. You'll never read this, but fuck you for wasting my god damn time. Why did I even bother wasting my time on something you would just never bother to return or talk about again. God damn you piss me off
21. You're so fucking annoying I cannot stand you for more than .1 seconds, and you're ruining my friend to a degree, holy hell.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Call it frivolous but...
I really wanted to go to/get asked to sadies. Yeah w/e in the long run it doesn't matter much, but the thought really would've been nice. I guess the last little while has done nothing to help prove that I'll just be alone forever.
Actually I'd love to get asked to do something that isn't forced. I'm always the one telling people "Hey let's go do this" or telling omar and bryan "hey let's practice" or telling anyone that shit needs to be done. When do I get someone to do that for me? I'm sick and tired of having to push anyone into doing anything, fun or not. I'd like to be on the other end of that
Back to watching comedy stand ups with my dad then. Later all.
Actually I'd love to get asked to do something that isn't forced. I'm always the one telling people "Hey let's go do this" or telling omar and bryan "hey let's practice" or telling anyone that shit needs to be done. When do I get someone to do that for me? I'm sick and tired of having to push anyone into doing anything, fun or not. I'd like to be on the other end of that
Back to watching comedy stand ups with my dad then. Later all.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Isn't our senior year supposed to be awesome?
What a pile of crap. Senior year is supposed to be more relaxed than any point during our 6 years here. Fucking I'm more stressed now than I've ever been. Mr. O grades like a bastard on papers, Mr. Stevens is out of his mind, Mr. Hodges gives the hardest tests ever, and Gov is a joke.
And it's not just limited to school, everything sucks for everyone. I'm not going to name names, but you all obviously know who you are, who have some kind of outstanding issue with life, and we've talked about it, and I'd like to think we're pretty much all in agreement that stuff is just....at least mildly horrible. Obviously some of you have more outstanding issues let's call them, than I do, but hey you have your blog for that and I have mine :)
Let's start with track. I'm fucking horrible. All of my muscles are screaming in pain any time I do anything. I've had 6 leg cramps in both legs in the course of the last 14 days. My hamstrings feel like they're about to pop out from my legs, and I can barely lift my arms. This would be acceptable if I had been really working my ass of, but I haven't I'm a weak bastard now. All that effort in XC to run put everything into my legs instead of my arms. And now that I've been lazy since XC ended, and I don't work out as much as I should, I'm double fucked. I want to quit, I'll never bring in points and I'll never do anything that warrants me as more than a name on a list.
That's all I'll ever be, some name, somewhere, on some list, not for anything important...sigh oh well with that
Something else that bugs me, relationships. I've tried to no end to make one work for god damn ever.
7th grade was just silly
8th grade was horribly awkward and weird
9th grade was ugly, oh god was that ugly
10th grade was boring
11th and 12th I've done nothing but fail over 2 people, that I still don't feel over even though I say I am
11th was just me being...I don't know the old me, the horribly shy and awkward me. Didn't like me then, got over it, oh well.
12th. Went to the polling booths, talk and learn shit about person all day, get number. Ignored.
The fuck? I still don't understand what happened, it seemed so promising. All the fun, all the long flirty looks, all the laughs the smiles, and just the overall enjoyment of everything.
And then there was another situation, which I never did anything about. So many nights, I sat (and still sit) there and think what if. What if I had done what I had all planned out. What if I had that one more day. Would it have mattered? Or would I have been cast aside like they really didnt give a fuck again. People always tell me "Oh don't worry it probably would've been _____________ anyway" You know what? Fuck that too. Can you look me dead in the eyes and tell me you know exactly what would've happened over something that never will? No you can't, and you will never have any justification because you'll never know or give anything a chance.
Am I mad? No. Bitter? Pretty much. No one likes to be strung along, even if they're ignorant to what may be obvious signs, it's still annoying as all hell. I'll always be there, but don't just walk all over me because of that please, I don't like excuses. I hurt too, I don't think anyone cares though. Do people read this really? I don't know.
Do I ever get my chance to be happy? My chance to show something? "Just wait for it taylor" Fuck that, everyone has gotten their chance, where the hell is mine. I'm tired of waiting. I can't stand it. Everything I do makes me feel even worse. Even as I type this alone in my room at 12:27 AM Sunday March 8th (thank you lauren. lol, I don't know my dates), I just feel like breaking down all over again. You all have that person to turn to when you need it. I wish I did. People listen to me, but do they really? The only advice I get anymore is shit that hurts me more.
I'm a mess, I need help, god damnit. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I show you that you were wrong, even if it changes nothing. How do I prove anything to anyone? How do I.....
oh fuck it, I'll just be fucking miserable and alone like everyone else, not like I have an option
And it's not just limited to school, everything sucks for everyone. I'm not going to name names, but you all obviously know who you are, who have some kind of outstanding issue with life, and we've talked about it, and I'd like to think we're pretty much all in agreement that stuff is just....at least mildly horrible. Obviously some of you have more outstanding issues let's call them, than I do, but hey you have your blog for that and I have mine :)
Let's start with track. I'm fucking horrible. All of my muscles are screaming in pain any time I do anything. I've had 6 leg cramps in both legs in the course of the last 14 days. My hamstrings feel like they're about to pop out from my legs, and I can barely lift my arms. This would be acceptable if I had been really working my ass of, but I haven't I'm a weak bastard now. All that effort in XC to run put everything into my legs instead of my arms. And now that I've been lazy since XC ended, and I don't work out as much as I should, I'm double fucked. I want to quit, I'll never bring in points and I'll never do anything that warrants me as more than a name on a list.
That's all I'll ever be, some name, somewhere, on some list, not for anything important...sigh oh well with that
Something else that bugs me, relationships. I've tried to no end to make one work for god damn ever.
7th grade was just silly
8th grade was horribly awkward and weird
9th grade was ugly, oh god was that ugly
10th grade was boring
11th and 12th I've done nothing but fail over 2 people, that I still don't feel over even though I say I am
11th was just me being...I don't know the old me, the horribly shy and awkward me. Didn't like me then, got over it, oh well.
12th. Went to the polling booths, talk and learn shit about person all day, get number. Ignored.
The fuck? I still don't understand what happened, it seemed so promising. All the fun, all the long flirty looks, all the laughs the smiles, and just the overall enjoyment of everything.
And then there was another situation, which I never did anything about. So many nights, I sat (and still sit) there and think what if. What if I had done what I had all planned out. What if I had that one more day. Would it have mattered? Or would I have been cast aside like they really didnt give a fuck again. People always tell me "Oh don't worry it probably would've been _____________ anyway" You know what? Fuck that too. Can you look me dead in the eyes and tell me you know exactly what would've happened over something that never will? No you can't, and you will never have any justification because you'll never know or give anything a chance.
Am I mad? No. Bitter? Pretty much. No one likes to be strung along, even if they're ignorant to what may be obvious signs, it's still annoying as all hell. I'll always be there, but don't just walk all over me because of that please, I don't like excuses. I hurt too, I don't think anyone cares though. Do people read this really? I don't know.
Do I ever get my chance to be happy? My chance to show something? "Just wait for it taylor" Fuck that, everyone has gotten their chance, where the hell is mine. I'm tired of waiting. I can't stand it. Everything I do makes me feel even worse. Even as I type this alone in my room at 12:27 AM Sunday March 8th (thank you lauren. lol, I don't know my dates), I just feel like breaking down all over again. You all have that person to turn to when you need it. I wish I did. People listen to me, but do they really? The only advice I get anymore is shit that hurts me more.
I'm a mess, I need help, god damnit. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I show you that you were wrong, even if it changes nothing. How do I prove anything to anyone? How do I.....
oh fuck it, I'll just be fucking miserable and alone like everyone else, not like I have an option
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