I said I'd put my personal problems aside

but fuck it, this has been going on as long as I can even think.


I do my fucking hardest to respect the will of every. single. person who has me in their home.


When I drop off Zack, I'm quiet taking his drums inside his house

When I go to Jonathan's I keep the swearing down and try not to yell too loud

when I go to Omar's, I don't stop on the floor and act like a jackass in front of his mom

When I go to Bryan's, again I don't make a lot of noise

When I go to Lawrences, I do my absolute hardest to avoid being blasphemous

When I go to Cameron's I'm polite his mom, I don't swear, and I just act decently overall

When I've gone to Mitchell's, I'm polite and try not to act loud and obnoxious



Do you know why? It's called respect. I respect you people, and when I'm in your home, I act like I'm supposed to. Why is it that I have to feel like Rodney Dangerfield here?


I feel like my words fall on all deaf ears except for one person, and since I know this person reads this you know you are, and thank you, words really can't describe what it means when someone actually listens to me.


Is it so hard to just follow 3 rules: Be quiet, don't leave doors open, pick up after yourselves.


I don't think I'm asking for a lot, but then I have people leaving god damn trash everywhere, smoking with every door into my house fucking open, and just being really rude to my grandma's house.

I'm not quiet because I WANT TO BE QUIET, I'm quiet because I respect her. She's put up with so much of my bullshit and my dad's bullshit, being that she's 76 years old, raised 4 kids pretty much on her own, and had to deal with a wave of bullshit that culminated in my childhood, I think it's nice let her have a peaceful night's rest.

And you know what, I don't think I need to be upfront about everything, I think the majority of us know how we act to know what is and what is not OK from what's been said, I really don't think things need to be fucking written out for everyone.

If my only desires of the people in my house are asking too much, then I don't know what to say. I'm just not comfortable with this in my home. Hell I'm not even comfortable in other places unless the person is 100% ok with it. If I'm not doing something, it's not necessarily because I DONT want to, it's because I care about what others want in their homes.

I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything anymore. The more I write the sadder I get thinking that no one in general really gives two shits about me or my opinions, and to boot the dark creepy loneliness just sets in, so I'm just gonna stop and go to sleep. Sleep is the only thing that doesn't judge me these days. Goodnight

Kind of amazing how fragile life really is

This is an idea that I actually struggle with everyday, considering the only thing that keeps me going is my...will to basically NOT be dead. I complain a lot about a bunch of shit, and always wonder what kind of burden I am on people, and why people even like me sometimes.


But then something like this comes along and all of a sudden none of it matters. Out of all of the people younger than me that I actually knew, I can't imagine it to be Doug of all people. Even if our interaction was solely through debate, it was still a ton of fun.

I decided to search for him in the few albums that I actually have that you'd be in, and somehow there's not ONE picture Doug.


I think I'm just going to outwardly complain less. I don't know why I feel so shitty when shit like this happens to people all the time. I hate when people tell me "Don't complain, because there's someone who is worse off than you", and I still do because it's a gigantic logical failure, but for the moment I do feel that I'll just leave my own problems alone


I will not use trite expressions like RIP or anything like that, because they're nothing other than feel good words that are the socially acceptable thing to say. On the other hand I will say that I hope his family recovers quickly and recovers well....because I don't think I could do it.

Introversion

As I sit here doing my psych homework, late as usual, I've come to a sad conclusion. I'm pretty much the most introverted person I know...(unless I go and drink and end up talking to every person I see for some reason lol)

Yet I've grown so fond of the circle of friends I do have, that in that I don't feel it at all...

But trying to talk to new people doesn't necessarily make me nervous or apprehensive, I just choose not to because I don't want to go through all of the bullshit anymore.

With everyone I know that I've known for going on 8 years now (shit...wow) I'm pretty sure I've gone through all sorts of ups and downs to get to where we are now. Of course that's how the dynamics of relationships (platonic or romantic) play out, but I don't know how much I can take in my current state of mind.

My god I mean I can't even get past myself thinking of all of the consequences of every word I say to let myself ask someone out on a date, I'm already thinking 3,4,5 steps down the road from when I ask a question. Before I even ask a question about that (or anything for that matter) I contemplate "What if they say no, what's our relationship going to be like after I say something, what will happen if they say yes, where do I go from there, how do I not look stupid, I probably look stupid sitting here thinking about not wanting to look stupid"...you can see how this gets me no where in a hurry


Everyday I tell myself that depression goes away, do something today that you didn't do the day before, try to make today better than yesterday, but my god it just doesn't work for me. The whole American ethic of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps is a lame notion that just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I do my best to try, but again I ask you white blog page, is it a whole lot to hope that someone can just see that you're hurting/in need without having to ask, and fix it? I can't fix myself anymore obviously, all I do is making everything worse with anything.


I'd probably be better off not around, who knows what keeps me going or how I'm even alive to begin with. I was going to write I wonder how I'm so lucky, but I realized I don't even know what I'm lucky for other than existing these days

Tonight

One of the funnest nights in my life in the longest time I can think


thank you omar/zack/bryan. I really don't know where I'd be without the three of you in this haha


PS We got 2nd place in front of first actual live crowd and we really only lost to a band that had a bullshit gimmick and was loud an obnoxious, that's a super win in my book


I sleep well tonight for the first time in quite a while

Couple little things

1) I'm tired of finding trash in my car that isn't mine. My car may be really dirty, but god damnit it's my car and I can make it dirty if I want, not you.


I don't trash your shit, why do people trash mine?


2) There are lots of things that people are better than me at, but I'll be damned if anyone is going to be better than at everything.
a) I was, and will always be better at children's card games like Yugioh. This is literally not up for debate unless you were nationally ranked and competed in the tournaments I did
b) I understand computers much much more than many people do. The few that are on part with me should understand the frustration that comes along with people not listening to you about the shit they ask you about. I can't even count the times I've helped someone in my family literally just to have them mad because the same problem happened when I explained step by step how to avoid it, just to have them fucking ignore me
c)I understand nutrition much better than many people and their coaches tell them. I've talked to doctor's, endocrinologists, dietitians, professor's with masters degrees in their respective health related field, and an athletic trainer from a professional sports team, I believe the things they tell me over the things coaches have told you and me any day of the week. I must at least 10 god damn people a day telling me since I'm diabetic I should be doing this this or that. Jesus murphy
d) Because we differ in opinion, I am not wrong. Nothing else to say here. I got in another argument in psych because I disagreed with some dumb bitch about something I believed in. I don't think she's wrong in any way, of course not, but I still think she's a god damn moron for preaching the way she does


Christ no one has any god damn respect for me.


PS: Everything will forever be a pissing contest, the ones ostracized are the ones who don't participate, what a world huh?

I'm sorry

For being such a dick

But please though, for the love of god stop pushing my buttons on everything. If you want more than a basic answer ask more than a basic question. Don't get mad when you ask something that has a simple response, expecting something more meaningful if you didn't start it out to begin with.

For example, "What's race"

I can only take so much shit before I just start yelling.

I'm sorry, I really am, but I'm not taking 100% blame for my own anger if you're just trying to piss me off.

Dear Bass

I just picked you up and played a line that lasted 10 fucking minutes and was pretty decent

where did you come from?

Not the way I wanted it to end up

but I regret nothing.

kinda called it

Well, fuck.

This is it

7 minutes ago I was driving home. I got to Orangewood and Valley View, and waited at a red light.


The arrow turned green.

As I go to make my turn, a red Porsche probably doing 100 decides to run the red at the same time, in the far right lane. I see nothing but high beams literally in my face as I turn, and I thought to myself as I try to maneuver, "So, that's it"

And in some miraculous luck, the car literally drives RIGHT past me...inches away from the very front of my car. I don't even understand how I'm here right now. It's like something out a movie, my car should've been absolutely wrecked....and so should I

And as I pulled into my drive way, nerves a tad shot, I thought to myself, I didn't scream, and didn't panic that hard, the only thing that decided to pain me was my heart filled with about 20 gallons of nothing but regret. My life didn't necessarily "Flash before my eyes" but I felt for about a fraction of a second regret for not accomplishing anything.


I have so many emotions to express to people, but I'm so afraid of saying of them for fear of driving them away. I can't take it anymore, although it doesn't make any sense, I don't know if I could live with myself without some things being out in the open.


I'm not naming names, but you all probably can figure it out


Person A: I don't understand what's wrong. We talk and talk, I feel like you're a brother. But I feel I've been wronged, and I can't tell you because you're just going to take it back out on me, or blame someone else for your emotions. You tell me you hate people giving you shit and excuses, and that you want me to never change, I want you to do the same. Stop blaming so many external causes and straight up tell me what's bothering you. I've told you you can't offend me by telling me the truth, and as cliche as it sounds, it hurts more to have you not tell me anything. I talk about it with everyone but you in an attempt to understand you. I don't talk behind your back if you want to call it that, I talk to people to try and understand what's wrong. I'm scared, none of this makes sense to me. I don't understand what I've done to anyone these days, and yet everyone treats me like a mat, and I just take it. I know you know how I feel, just...don't leave me :(

Person B: How have we grown so distant? What the fuck happened. The sad part is I think we both know it and can't fix it. Maybe time will? I don't know. Shit you don't even read this and I know that because we don't even talk anymore. At one point I considered you one of my best friends, yet it's like I don't exist anymore. I swear the only reason we even got close is that I was the only one that started to talk. You just talked to me first. The pictures are still in my glove compartment I'd like you to know.

Person C: You drive me crazy, in a good way? It just makes me sad that I don't know if I can ever tell you what I want to tell you, about you. Is it fear of dejection? Is it fear of everyone else? Do I not want to make you run for the hills? To be honest, as much as I've thought about it, I CAN'T even answer this question. Whether I know the reasoning for it or not, you're one of the last people who genuinely makes me happy. And I'm probably crazy for thinking so much about it, but really I've got nothing left to lose....so why dont I just outright say it? I...wow over a blog it's still scary for me to do. Even writing this to you probably won't make a bit of difference, you'll just end up hating me and I'll be right in the end probably :|

Person D: I'm sorry I'm a terrible _____. I try every single day to help make changes in your life, but I guess I don't matter as much as I'd hoped for you to stick around as long as you can. All of the shit you do to yourself hurts me more than you think. Every. single. day. I think to myself what I'll do when you're not there for me anymore. And I don't know what I'm going to do. Not a day goes by where I don't worry about you...I don't think you could worry me any more than you already do unless you started shooting heroin or some shit. I ask you every day what do you want me to do to help you, but I guess you just don't care. Because even though nothing drives me anymore, I still take care of myself in the hopes that one day something will. I couldnt live with myself letting my body go to such waste.

All I am is a big hypocrite who I guess can't do what he preaches.

Sometimes I wish a lot of things would've stopped me from existing. I don't even understand what pushes me at all. Diabetes will fucking bankrupt me if I don't get at least a mildly successful career. Who is going to want anything to do with me anyway? There's nothing about me that anyone would like: I'm not attractive, I'm not that outgoing, I'm not that great at anything, I literally do nothing but make people mad at me. And when I try to get someone to feel something for me, or hope that someone would feel something for me, it's like I'm the douchebag for wanting affection from
someone.


I'm tired of these late nights, what does a guy have to do to get some good feelings around here?

I need a shower I'm not sleeping tonight

So I've kind of come to a realization

I feel like...I'm here to satisfy a lot of needs, and get a lot of things done, and make a lot of people "happy" with things they like. Yet none of them involve me if that makes sense.


Music for one thing. I think I've only been able to fully convey the difficulty of the task at hand with recording music, and as hard as I'm trying I'm failing; crashing and burning. I've been up 3 fucking days almost straight trying to master the art of sound. Am I happy with my turnout? No fucking way, everything could be so much better....but I have no training, I've literally taught myself everything I know about this....but people make full on careers out of doing this. I try not to take it personally, but when you've got a guy going "Oh god this sounds absolutely terrible, what the fuck is wrong with the sound?" You take it and try to move on, but that's something I've created, that sound is more than just the recording, it's me in there too, it's me applying what I know to make it sound "good", and I feel like it's a part of me.


It kind of hurts to have something you tried your best on ripped apart over and over and over without even commenting on it sounding "better" than last time :(

Is it "constructive criticism"? You could argue that. But jesus murphy...cut me some god damn slack. I can't even convey in words my absolute disgust at hearing the words oh so nonchalantly "Do we just need a new sound engineer? I'm sure we could find one". I don't think anything has ever been so close to making me want to scream.


You work your ass off, you try to make people happy, you do everything you know and then some, the proverbial 110%. And it's not good enough. Nothing is good enough for anyone.

I try as hard as I can to make EVERYONE else happy,that I don't even know how to make myself happy anymore. Without sounding emo or depressed I just feel broken. And all that's there is myself to pick up my own pieces, but I want help, I write about it all the time but I really want someone there that can help me pick myself up. I'm tired of doing things on my own, there's so much on my plate that I can't get at anything.


I'm sorry I'm such an awful musician.
I'm sorry I have such a poor taste in music.
I'm sorry that I'm not good enough and I fall short of all expectations
I'm sorry I'm like a broken record and repeating my wants over and over
But somethings just don't go away. Who's there for me?


PS: When I say I spent like 6 hours learning, it was more like 25-30. I've been up since the 21st, spending most of that absorbing and learning as much as I could. I feel like Spongebob when he became a waiter.

PPS: I'm probably going say something that I'll regret within the next couple weeks, but it has to get off my chest. I hope you guys are right and that I don't hurt myself doing this, but sometimes you have to just go with what you hope is good and not what others think is good for you. I've asked for help my whole life and I make too many judgments on other opinions. I don't know how many decisions I've truly came to the conclusions 100% on my own.

guess I'll find out?

Dear Mother

As I have just remembered a dark time in my past, I'm going to open it up here.

Oh where to begin..



You beat me, mentally destroyed me, burned me, choked me, used me for your benefits, and at its very essence, broke me.

How is an 8 year old supposed to react to "You piece of shit, get out of my house, you make me sick to my stomach" when you just wanted a parent to give you a hug from a bad day at school?

I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, or know more than any of the 3 people who look at this, or even act like I'm better but realistically:

-Have you ever been physically beaten by a parent verbally or physically every single day of your waking life for nearly 12 years?
-Have you ever wanted to just leave home, and not just "run away" I literally mean leave, and hope that being homeless works out well?
-Have you ever wished you didn't exist because at least your "mother" would be better off?
-Have you ever been afraid of fucking coming home, and taking as much time getting there because you knew something was going to destroy your soul the moment you got home?
-Did you have a safe house you could sneak out to when your mom was on a rampage breaking all of the things you loved? (Why else did I have 4 fucking SNES's...)


Well years 4-12~ were essentially this. No matter what happened, I was on the chopping block for her fucked up mentality. I have a scar somewhere on my left arm from her putting a cigarette out because I was "acting out". I've been choked to near unconsciousness because she thought it was funny, I've been verbally abused to the point where I take EVERY insult very very personally (In jest or not, everything hurts me. I just try not to show it). I've been kicked around, I've been kicked out of a car three miles from my house and forced to walk home.

You know that feeling of adrenaline when you see something scary? Imagine that everytime you walked home from school and saw your front door...



How is a small child supposed to feel about being insulted when every insult growing up was a stab at who they were, how "awful" they were, and how shitty their lives had become because we exist?

My dad got the right idea divorcing her stupid ass for being a giant slut. She had such a good life, no work, and a husband bringing home around 4-6 grand a month? She had everything she could've wanted, but she chose to be a fucking whore.

Too bad his leaving left me and my sister to grow up in that piece of shit house. Sure he cared about us, but what could he do legally? HE left HER. sigh...


She went through tons of boyfriends, all of which were pitiful excuses for human beings. Let me start with real stories now

Boyfriend A: Don't remember how or what led to this, but she thought it would be really funny if she could impress him some more by making him laugh. So she called me out, told me to hold my head against a 2" thick sliding glass door, which she then kicked with full force into my face. I don't remember much besides sprinting to my room in blinding agony. Every single muscle and bit of tissue on my face was just in blinding pain. I came out like 2 hours later calmed down, maybe thinking I'd upset her somehow and was going to apologize to her, instead her boyfriend pointed and laughed and said, and I'll never forget "WOW LOOK AT THE LITTLE FUCKS FACE! NICE GOING BABY!" and they just laughed...and laughed...and laughed.

So I took my dad's screwdriver to that fucker's tires and popped all of them. Then took my t-ball bat and annihilated his right fender, and would've done more damage but he heard me and broke up with my mom on the spot.

Boyfriend B: Basically had a total bitch for a daughter. Was a year older than me and thought she could get away with murder. One day my mom, boyfriend, and daughter all went out for the weekend (yeah go figure, my own mom wouldnt give enough shit about me to consider me to want to go on a trip somewhere). Trashman came on monday, they came on tuesday. The daughter had been abusing me the same way my mom had for about a month because she figured she could get away with it(she did). So I decided to take all of her shit and put it on the curb. Bed. Mattress. Clothes. Dresser...anything that wasnt bolted down was getting fucking trashed. I got as much food as I could, grabbed my phone, bolted my windows, and just sat there waiting for them to come home to see her precious new "daughters" shit GONE. I fled the house at night for about a week to my best friend, when I came home they had broken up and it was like nothing ever happened which was weird.

Boyfriend C: Basically knocked my ass around and threatened me to never say anything to anyone, on grounds of...i dont even remember it's blocked from my mind. Mom didn't care, was too afraid to tell anyone because I thought he was omnipotent. So I figured since everyone hated me, there was no use in having two people who hated me. Slowly overtime I began to get rid of all of his things from my house. And I remember seeing a picture in a heart frame that was two pictures cut together to make their picture the "heart" one of the pictures was a family photo from when I was two and her and dad were still together....we were both cut out so boyfriend and her were in and no one else.

It was the first time I remember being both upset and completely heartbroken. I'd been abused and screamed at countless times, but I had never been CUT from something. I don't remember much from that day after something in me snapped. I barricaded myself in my room with that picture just sobbing for days. When I finally came out during the day, he was there and he said to me another sentence I'll never forget, "So you fat little shit are you done trying to fuck things up for me?" The last thing I vividly remember was my t-ball bat (again, gotta love the thing, I still have it somewhere) hitting him as hard as I could in his knee before I took off over my ladder int he backyard to my friends house. Where I again hid for a while.

When I came home, it was the first time my mom grabbed me by the neck and choked me until I almost passed out. Apparently she got a kick out of that so she kept doing it...

Which eventually transformed into kicking, and around 7th grade was punching me in the back of the head as hard as she could...

Which turns into my favorite revenge story. Back in 7th grade I remember doing some ridiculous amount of homework for Ms. Yang's awful class. And I had a huge CRT monitor and a brand new computer. I vividly remember seeing her trying to sneak up on me to hit me. So I led her on thinking she could have her good ol' time with the back of my head...

So once I saw the wind up and the punch, I moved and dodged that shit like the matrix making her lose all her balance. Grabbed the stupid cunt by the neck, threw her dumbass against the glass door she kicked me on, and proceeded to hit her as hard as I fucking could. Dropped her to the ground while was she coughing and crying her eyes out. Got real close and screamed "DO NOT. FUCK. WITH ME."

And it stopped. She never said anything to me after that, acted like we were buddy buddy, and like it was all ok, as if nothing ever happened. Then I found a bunch of Speed in her closet, and told the counselors about it, and she got arrested and I never had to go back to that hellhole...


And you know the part that fucking kills me to this day? She acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. Like she never did anything wrong by me, and that I was taken from her because she had one mess up.

***I'll never be able to fully embrace someone because I'm scared of getting my ass beat, every "quick" action makes me flinch (you should know me, and have noticed this by now)
***I can never take a compliment or an insult because I'm afraid of their being a deep seated hatred. I've lost many people over the years who have "hated" me, I don't know how much more I can take.
***I can never tell anyone how I feel about them, how much I care about them, how much I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how much I care about them (whether it be a friendship or romantic), because I'm so scared of pushing anyone away because I can't deal with anymore bullshit in my life.

My mom tells me how much she wants me to help her with this and that, and how close we are now, and how she wants things to be "different" between us, but can't even apologize to me for how she fucked me up.


So... Dear Mom,

Hope you've had a great life, because you've broken mine.
Thanks to you I'll never be able to fully embrace who I could've been or who I even am.
To all the booze, all the cigarettes, all the drugs, and all your bullshit.
For the beatings, the bruises, the burns, and my broken soul.
For all of of the hopes that I had that you'd accept me
For all the damage you caused

I will never love you.

If you were to die tomorrow, my only regret is that I couldn't make you feel even half as bad as you have made me feel.

With all do respect, please disappear, if I never saw you again it would be too soon. You were not, and will never be my "Mom"


I need a shower, that was too much anger for one sitting. If you have anything to say go ahead, I do enjoy responses.

not much to say but

Do I tell the three people I NEED to talk to how I feel?


Or do I just let it all go? Everything in life just passes me by left and right. Even if it hurts I don't want to be left alone anymore. I can't stand it.

I think I have a new favorite song

It took me a long time of ignoring someone's suggestions to listen to this damn album, but it really is absolutely fantastic, and the few people who read this should give it a look.


Against Me! - Reinventing Axl Rose

We want a band that plays loud and hard every night
And doesn't care how many people are counted at the door
That would travel one million miles
and ask for nothing but a plate of food and a place to rest

They'd strike chords that cut like a knife
It'd mean so much more than a t-shirt or a ticket stub
They would stop at nothing short of a massacre
And everyone would leave with the memory there was no place else in the world
And this was where they always belonged

And we would dance like no one was watching
With one fist in the air
Our arenas just basements
and bookstores across an underground America
With this fire we could light
With this fire we could (light)

Just gimme a scene where the music is free
And the beer is not the life of the party
And there's no need to shit talk or impress
'Cause honesty and emotion are not looked down upon

And every promise that's made and bragged
is meant if not kept
We'd do it all because we have to, not because we know why
Beyond a gender, race, and class,
we could find what really holds us back

Let's make everybody sing
That they are the beginning and ending of everything
And we are stronger than everything they taught us that we should fear

Everything these days just seems....I don't know, is fake even a good word for it anymore? It's almost like a large facade, and personally I can't fucking stand it. I mean I'm guilty of it, but I'm not sure it's the same thing. Every night for the last year and a half I've been telling myself in one way or another that, "It's ok Taylor, tomorrow's gonna be your day! Something will go well for you"


And frankly I almost don't know why I bother anymore, why do I psyche myself up for inevitable heartache? Every night I tell myself the same mantra, and every morning I wake up repeat it, just in case something nice happens to me. It just makes me feel bad that I don't think anyone actually cares about me in the long run. I've tried both making myself a presence, and just being a wall flower, and nothing ever gets me noticed or accepted by anyone. And to boot it makes me sad that the days I consider "good" are so far and few between these days. The other day was probably the longest "happy/good" I've felt in ages, and I'm so scared that it'll be the last time in who knows how long I'll feel wanted/cared for again.

And Omar, I'm afraid of it too, more than I put off or act like, I act like it's nothing, but it's my facade really, I don't like acting like I'm not in control of my emotions so I do my best to not show any, it's pretty much why I left Ryan's the other night.

I don't know. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but I want to feel wanted :(


PS: Off topic, but I don't think anyone can relate to this. Do you know how fucking weird of a feeling it is that everything sucks to me sometimes, yet I force myself to live longer with insulin? If I ever felt fucked I could just not give myself any. I am the only person in full control of my well-being, and I continuously force myself to feel bad?

It really is hope, I'm always hoping. Maybe this person will see me one day, and maybe they'll accept me. I just want to be accepted.


And now I'm off to see a movie that I just learned about lol

I don't have much to say

"Hope" is all I can muster up now. And for many many reasons.

Hope that I finally get noticed, hope that I stop fucking up everything I strive for. Hope that everything just stops falling apart.

And that maybe things can just work out for me. Just once, I'd like to not wake up terrified that I'm gonna ruin anything that's anywhere.

Maybe? I don't know. We'll find out another day.


either way today was probably one of the best days in forever....until all the hate for not drinking. Even though I'm running people around fucking town to do shit. I couldnt ever live with myself, ever, if I just willingly let someone drive away fucking drunk. This shit isn't a god damn video game

And this is why I enjoy not drinking

Everyone treats me worse the less drunk I am then them. Being sick, and being diabetic, I just don't want to bother with the hassle. I don't like not being in control and just being all over the fucking place. I guess growing up in hospitals has made me grow to hate not being in control considering the first time I woke up from a surgery I punched the surgeon in the face and then punched the shit out of my legs panicking since my eyes weren't working yet.


I will admit I'll probably smoke some more weed though, Being drunk just made me feel like a complete moron and I hate that level of dumbness

and then good days

lol. I don't even know anymore.

Last time complaining for a while

Every night I stare directly at my wall, same spot usually, and go through a lot of what-if's in my head. I don't know why, it doesn't change anything, only goes to make me feel bad, or worse.

Some not so serious. What if I didn't buy that food? What if I didn't overeat all the god damn time.

Some more serious. What if I didn't survive surgery in 2004? What if I never went to the hospital to see if I was ok when I was diagnosed with some astronomically crazy high blood sugar and diabetes?

And lots of in-betweens, mostly the in-betweens

Have I changed anything? Have I done anything? Could I know I'm dying in the next 20 minutes and say I've lived a fun eventful life? Have I done everything I've wanted up until this point?


I can't answer any of those questions, other than "probably not", and it's a real downer honestly. I try and make the best out of what I can, and all I do is feel like a doormat. But when I attempt to not feel like a doormat, people lash out at me and get all pissy and go into a defensive rage, and I'm tired of both. Why can't there ever be a fucking compromise with anyone ever?

Am I the last person left alive who's willing to make sacrifices, but fully expects the other person to as well?

I do so many things without even blinking these days to simply be helpful, and what I assume is considered "Friendly", but people don't do anything for me. And if I don't meet people's assumed expectations of ME, everything just goes all haywire and shit everywhere. There's no one out there trying to help me through anything, there's no one out there to hold my hand when shit goes bad. there's no one there to help me be efficient. There's no one to help me to do anything I'd like to do, but me. There's gentle nudges every now and then, but where's my helping hand to guide me when I need it? Of course I don't expect it to happen constantly, but once in a while isn't too much is it...


I can't even make suggestions to anyone anymore without feeling like I've offended people god damn. Why is EVERYONE these days so... I don't know, angry at things that aren't them? When did everything become if "you think it's not right, then you're probably just wrong"

I'm not perfect, I make lots of mistakes, and I like being corrected, I love it. If I'm wrong, and a person knows it, I love knowing why it's "wrong". But jesus people need to learn to accept just as much criticism as they can dish out.


Also I was asked today why I don't just partake in making fun of things as often as everyone else. And I had to think about it, and I don't know honestly.

But I can start with 2 things. 1) I feel like I take things much more personally these days with insults, and I don't even know why, so I personally don't bother. So many things that are said to me just hurt and I don't even know why. (so many different people talking me down I guess wears me down throughout the day). I mean I'm not one to judge, but I probably take a fair amount of shit from so many sources. Family, friends, and a bunch of shit online. I don't want to seem like I'm just a little bitch who can't handle anything, but sometimes people just lay it on thick, and just keep going, and going and going. And it just wears me out to the point where I don't even WANT to try anymore.

2) I'm just...not in a good state of mind anymore. I'm tired of just so many things that I haven't done or experienced (I guess there's one person who'll read this that'll know what I'm talking about. lol) and after so many years of just being shut down I suppose I'm just not able to push things down and away anymore, there's no room left.

Someone said to me like 3 or 4 days ago, "Stop complaining like a little bitch and take life by the horns and bend it to your will" And as true as I know this to probably be, I'm exhausted, can't someone else help me? Can anybody find me?


PS: Unlike other blogs this isn't really directed at anyone anymore. It's just a pent up shit ton of things

late.

Why bother

yep.

Radiohead.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ. If I don't like a band after listening to three different albums, why am I still an asshole who has bad taste in music?


The fuck is wrong with people; who designated Radiohead God of all modern rock music? I don't care when people don't love my favorite bands, why is Radiohead the end all?


Pretentious assholes. I have bad taste in music because I don't like a band? Why do I need to listen to more music to like a band? What kind of bullshit concept is that?


Life in general: If you do something the very first time you absolutely cannot stand, it's very unlikely that you'll ever really like. Impossible? No.


I will admit that the music I listened to from them likely shaped my opinion of how much I can't stand them, but really why is this a problem? If you hear a song on the radio from a band you've NEVER heard, and it just sounds bad TO YOU, why would you ever go listen to more of them? If the mass consensus was "HOLY FUCK THIS BAND ROCKS THE SHIT", but you already didn't like what you heard, are you just letting your opinion be shaped by the masses?

I'm not going to simply like something because everyone says I'm going to, what a bullshit concept.

Get off the high horse and realize not everyone is going to like everything you do. And if 99.9999999% of the world grows to love and suck at the tit that is radiohead, I will be part of that tiny percentage that still cannot stand them.


Taytay, out. (still fun writing that)

How do you fill such an empty void?

The emptiness just grows and grows :(

Irrelevance

Funny how when something happens for one person, everyone gets all excited and plans and does shit. Yet when it happens for me no one cares. But you can't will people to care for you can you? So I'll just sit alone 8 months from last week and probably just be sad. Like most times it happens

This is probably the first time that I can think of, that it's made me sad to see someone else happy....sigh

PS 2 people read this, it's nice to post on here haha

I hate the late night really

it's the only time when everything slows down, and all I get to do is think


during the day I'm too busy to ever really just think, so I stay up late, and just think. So much reflection on shit can drive a man insane

It's fun to post on here

Nice little outlet that isn't facebook or aim

Anyway, I still feel alone all the damn time. I dunno how many times but I've had my heart played with in more ways than I'd personally just like to admit, but it's gotten to the point where I don't know how I can open up to anyone anymore. I'm always so scared of telling someone how I feel about them, because I'm always worried of repercussions. And I'm so self-conscious about every god damn thing I say and do that I'll probably overlook any possibly person that sees anything in me because I'll be too busy worrying about myself.

So many absurd failures, missed opportunities and overlooked events. And the ones I've actually been a part of have been detrimental to my being, lol. What a world.

Back to the music, the only thing holding me together these days

Do my best to be completely inclusive as much as I can

Yet in retrospect, so many people enjoy forcing me into the outgroup...

and im quite upset and tired of it :|

Btw Robert

I know you don't read this, or I should say you can't read this.

But I miss you :( I drove by your house tonight, how long has it been? Feels like it was just yesterday when I first met and got to know you, but it was 8 years.

6 of them you've been gone for.... sigh

Talking to like the three people who read this lol

I sorta feel stuck in the middle of things. On one hand I shouldn't care, shouldn't be that big of a deal, but on the other hand I'm still kind of hurt on a really strange scale...

People care about something that has pertained to just about everyone but me. When it was my turn no one gave a fuck. People said, "Oh why didn't you just tell me about it, I would've done something with you" but the thing that people don't realize is that I did, and they just didn't care :/, nor did they even ask me if I wanted to do anything

I guess the reason it bugs me is because people try to do shit for other people, without them having to ask (and go as far as even asking them if they wanted to do something) but when it comes to me I would have to ask and overly direct and try to get people to go do it, as opposed to people just wanting to.

Oh the irony of me realizing that Lisa was right to a degree.

Just felt like writing something, no one cares anyway right?

Since I doubt anyone reads anything on here, I figured it's a good place to be upset with a wall.

Why is it that if I say anything you get defensive? I always feel like a jerk just for suggesting or doing anything. Just because we aren't on the same page for some stuff makes me feel like you hate that I have a differing feeling than you, and it really does hurt. I'm so careful about what I say now because I'm tired of arguing, I hate arguing. I'm not sure why I even talk anymore about so many things to anyone really. It's so stupid to argue about trivial bullshit, what's the point? It just ends with both parties upset.

I constantly feel like the biggest douche in the universe, because you can agree with me all you want on anything I say, but the body language and tone of voice say much more than words. And it's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to upset you because I don't want to push you away over something stupid. I just don't understand where or why this happened, but I'm sick of it, why can't we both try shit and just go with what ends up being better? All I do is suggest stuff that you passive aggressively shoo away. I dunno how far to relate it to you, but having simple suggestions being dashed to pieces before a real attempt just breaks me apart inside, I've gone through so much in life and dealt with so much nonsense just because people pre-judge everything I do without me doing anything. Sigh, I just don't understand, please don't hate me...

PS I do still read these, and what you said really about me touched me, people say they care about me and this or that, but no one's ever really written anything out like you....and wow how do I even sound grateful in words? I don't know if I can. Even though I think you deleted it, I'm not sure because I dont know how to use this site anymore lol...

PSS, I may put up a facade, but I'm not as strong or hardheaded as I even attempt to make myself out to be. I remember once when I said something that was wrong, and before I had a chance to even correct what I said, 3 people jumped on me and called me retarded and an idiot for assuming what I said. And it took a lot of effort to not cry on the spot.

PSSS. I will admit that if I'm talking about something I actually know about, I will be firm in what I say, but if I'm unsure, my tone makes it very clear what I'm saying. I never will assert myself in a speech I don't fully understand, and the worst part is people yell at me for asking simple questions about what they're saying because I've either heard different or felt different. How come if I PLAY DEVILS ADVOCATE, I'm a piece of shit?

PSSSS. It's a weird thing to think about for me (random side note), that I really shouldn't be alive right now. Like there's a small list of things that I've survived that other people haven't. And it's trippy as shit

It's 4:20 AM, 7 hours and 40 minutes until I register for next semester, a bunch of classes I don't care about, all in hopes to get into a major that I might actually enjoy. See y'all in a bit

Wow this turned out to be longer than I though