Last time complaining for a while

Every night I stare directly at my wall, same spot usually, and go through a lot of what-if's in my head. I don't know why, it doesn't change anything, only goes to make me feel bad, or worse.

Some not so serious. What if I didn't buy that food? What if I didn't overeat all the god damn time.

Some more serious. What if I didn't survive surgery in 2004? What if I never went to the hospital to see if I was ok when I was diagnosed with some astronomically crazy high blood sugar and diabetes?

And lots of in-betweens, mostly the in-betweens

Have I changed anything? Have I done anything? Could I know I'm dying in the next 20 minutes and say I've lived a fun eventful life? Have I done everything I've wanted up until this point?


I can't answer any of those questions, other than "probably not", and it's a real downer honestly. I try and make the best out of what I can, and all I do is feel like a doormat. But when I attempt to not feel like a doormat, people lash out at me and get all pissy and go into a defensive rage, and I'm tired of both. Why can't there ever be a fucking compromise with anyone ever?

Am I the last person left alive who's willing to make sacrifices, but fully expects the other person to as well?

I do so many things without even blinking these days to simply be helpful, and what I assume is considered "Friendly", but people don't do anything for me. And if I don't meet people's assumed expectations of ME, everything just goes all haywire and shit everywhere. There's no one out there trying to help me through anything, there's no one out there to hold my hand when shit goes bad. there's no one there to help me be efficient. There's no one to help me to do anything I'd like to do, but me. There's gentle nudges every now and then, but where's my helping hand to guide me when I need it? Of course I don't expect it to happen constantly, but once in a while isn't too much is it...


I can't even make suggestions to anyone anymore without feeling like I've offended people god damn. Why is EVERYONE these days so... I don't know, angry at things that aren't them? When did everything become if "you think it's not right, then you're probably just wrong"

I'm not perfect, I make lots of mistakes, and I like being corrected, I love it. If I'm wrong, and a person knows it, I love knowing why it's "wrong". But jesus people need to learn to accept just as much criticism as they can dish out.


Also I was asked today why I don't just partake in making fun of things as often as everyone else. And I had to think about it, and I don't know honestly.

But I can start with 2 things. 1) I feel like I take things much more personally these days with insults, and I don't even know why, so I personally don't bother. So many things that are said to me just hurt and I don't even know why. (so many different people talking me down I guess wears me down throughout the day). I mean I'm not one to judge, but I probably take a fair amount of shit from so many sources. Family, friends, and a bunch of shit online. I don't want to seem like I'm just a little bitch who can't handle anything, but sometimes people just lay it on thick, and just keep going, and going and going. And it just wears me out to the point where I don't even WANT to try anymore.

2) I'm just...not in a good state of mind anymore. I'm tired of just so many things that I haven't done or experienced (I guess there's one person who'll read this that'll know what I'm talking about. lol) and after so many years of just being shut down I suppose I'm just not able to push things down and away anymore, there's no room left.

Someone said to me like 3 or 4 days ago, "Stop complaining like a little bitch and take life by the horns and bend it to your will" And as true as I know this to probably be, I'm exhausted, can't someone else help me? Can anybody find me?


PS: Unlike other blogs this isn't really directed at anyone anymore. It's just a pent up shit ton of things

late.