I don't know if I'm just unlucky, or nothing is ever meant to be. Just thinking in retrospect, I would like to think I could tell my past self "Hey Taylor, don't sweat it, just let it go", but I don't know if I could do that. I think I know what I did wrong, or what I didn't right would be a better saying, but it still hurts the same.
Come on you, let it go...but I don't, I just pull myself through more and more self inflicted shit.
I don't even know if I care about what people think anymore, I've been asking people what I should do for like...the last year or so. And I've got "Oh let it go taylor" to "Just do it faggot" And the worst part is? I've been in the middle since the very beginning. I don't want to lose anything, that would be worse than where am I now, but I don't know how much longer I should even put myself through unneeded nonsense. But is it unneeded? aaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh
I just want something that I guess I can't have
Oh well, back to my boring life and the last quarters of my highschool career. Let's just say hooray for 18 years of nothing special Taylor! Hooray!
Why do I bother?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
What can I say?
Let's Tarantino this shit
Oxford is a pile of shit.
Now we back track!
God damn...where to begin where to begin. Just for the sake of order, I'm going to start with our Senior Portfolios. I don't even know what to say at this point, just "really? that's why?" We have to have them done early because of "the stress of post AP tests"? Haha. More like they want us to do it early while we're still conscious while we attend Oxford. But no, admins, don't make them due when we're not doing something irrelevant, let's make them due DURING YOUR GOD DAMN FINALS WEEK. Yeah we "should have" been working on them the whole time or something, but fucking puh-lease, does ANYONE actually expect us to work on them as a work in progress over a long period of time. Don't even try to play that off. I'm not sure I can identify a single person (that I know) that didn't wait until last week to start working on these.
And then beyond that, Seniors regularly "Embarass" Oxford staff and others by performing below their standards. L O GOD DAMN L. Does any honestly care about these projects, really? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you feel for this project (And don't play Devil's Advocate or I'm not even going to talk to you, no really fuck off). WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS. Let's reflect, on shitty reflections we're forced to do for points, half of them are even modified by teachers to be slightly comical to make us do them. I remember....7th grade I think it was, when these were optional, and no one did them, you know what got people to fucking do them? The fact that if they didn't they would lose out on a grade in some class. I remember that's why my PE grade died in 9th grade because I didn't give a FUCK.
So let's take a look at this from far away. We have a project we're forced to do or some random grade in some random class is dropped. We have to give a speech on some topics we don't really want to do. We have to do it almost 5 months earlier than any other seniors in Oxford's history. And we have to do it "well", and not make Oxford look bad. This is definitely a wonderful recipe, I'm glad we have the staff that we do!
And you know what let's talk about our staff, specifically Hoshi. WHAT THE FUCK? Today Zack got ripped off from the vending machine a dollar or so (whatever his thing cost) and he went and told Gibb about it, and she said no, while Hoshi overheard and said he could get his dollar back.(something to that extend) Ok, cool he got his dollar back, but WHAT THE HELL. The vending machines have been "at your own risk" for years, and everytime I've ever asked anyone for my money back, I'm more or less just laughed off. So we have a biased staff that just feels like refunding some and not refunding others, that's fucking wonderful. Does that mean I can just go up to Hoshi and be like "Yeah over the last 6 years that machine has ate $10 of mine, can I just have it back" No, of course I can't. He'll just be like no get out of here.
Also let's take a glance and something we call a dress code. I know people who have gotten saturday school's for wearing a jacket that's slightly out of dress code, pants slightly too short, the wrong shade of fucking khaki making it more green than khaki (or something to that color), and people who have had numerous things they own just be confiscated, all with detention or Saturday schools. But we have a student who hasn't worn a polo in over 2 years, and I know a few others who regularly don't wear proper "Oxford" attire. So now we enforce a policy of "if you can get away with it, go ahead!" then? Wonderful too!
And finally, Hodges. You are absolutely out of your god damn mind. I ran it over in my head over and over, and I'm still lost in everything. You know damn well we need 25-35 minutes to write an essay, yet you have the audacity to create a test in which if done correctly, you barely have 15 minutes left. And how do you have the same audacity to look at your class, and say, with just under 10 minutes left "Make sure you write your essay" you've lost your fucking mind. There's no way in hell you will ever be able to prove that test was "fair" (Also if you're going to bitch that life isn't fair, again get out, I'm not here to argue trivial shit)
Thanks a lot Oxford, for being "2nd in the nation" you sure as fuck prove it with your wonderful administration, rules, and teachers. Thanks a lot for wasting my time and my grades
edit: Please comment
Oxford is a pile of shit.
Now we back track!
God damn...where to begin where to begin. Just for the sake of order, I'm going to start with our Senior Portfolios. I don't even know what to say at this point, just "really? that's why?" We have to have them done early because of "the stress of post AP tests"? Haha. More like they want us to do it early while we're still conscious while we attend Oxford. But no, admins, don't make them due when we're not doing something irrelevant, let's make them due DURING YOUR GOD DAMN FINALS WEEK. Yeah we "should have" been working on them the whole time or something, but fucking puh-lease, does ANYONE actually expect us to work on them as a work in progress over a long period of time. Don't even try to play that off. I'm not sure I can identify a single person (that I know) that didn't wait until last week to start working on these.
And then beyond that, Seniors regularly "Embarass" Oxford staff and others by performing below their standards. L O GOD DAMN L. Does any honestly care about these projects, really? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you feel for this project (And don't play Devil's Advocate or I'm not even going to talk to you, no really fuck off). WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS. Let's reflect, on shitty reflections we're forced to do for points, half of them are even modified by teachers to be slightly comical to make us do them. I remember....7th grade I think it was, when these were optional, and no one did them, you know what got people to fucking do them? The fact that if they didn't they would lose out on a grade in some class. I remember that's why my PE grade died in 9th grade because I didn't give a FUCK.
So let's take a look at this from far away. We have a project we're forced to do or some random grade in some random class is dropped. We have to give a speech on some topics we don't really want to do. We have to do it almost 5 months earlier than any other seniors in Oxford's history. And we have to do it "well", and not make Oxford look bad. This is definitely a wonderful recipe, I'm glad we have the staff that we do!
And you know what let's talk about our staff, specifically Hoshi. WHAT THE FUCK? Today Zack got ripped off from the vending machine a dollar or so (whatever his thing cost) and he went and told Gibb about it, and she said no, while Hoshi overheard and said he could get his dollar back.(something to that extend) Ok, cool he got his dollar back, but WHAT THE HELL. The vending machines have been "at your own risk" for years, and everytime I've ever asked anyone for my money back, I'm more or less just laughed off. So we have a biased staff that just feels like refunding some and not refunding others, that's fucking wonderful. Does that mean I can just go up to Hoshi and be like "Yeah over the last 6 years that machine has ate $10 of mine, can I just have it back" No, of course I can't. He'll just be like no get out of here.
Also let's take a glance and something we call a dress code. I know people who have gotten saturday school's for wearing a jacket that's slightly out of dress code, pants slightly too short, the wrong shade of fucking khaki making it more green than khaki (or something to that color), and people who have had numerous things they own just be confiscated, all with detention or Saturday schools. But we have a student who hasn't worn a polo in over 2 years, and I know a few others who regularly don't wear proper "Oxford" attire. So now we enforce a policy of "if you can get away with it, go ahead!" then? Wonderful too!
And finally, Hodges. You are absolutely out of your god damn mind. I ran it over in my head over and over, and I'm still lost in everything. You know damn well we need 25-35 minutes to write an essay, yet you have the audacity to create a test in which if done correctly, you barely have 15 minutes left. And how do you have the same audacity to look at your class, and say, with just under 10 minutes left "Make sure you write your essay" you've lost your fucking mind. There's no way in hell you will ever be able to prove that test was "fair" (Also if you're going to bitch that life isn't fair, again get out, I'm not here to argue trivial shit)
Thanks a lot Oxford, for being "2nd in the nation" you sure as fuck prove it with your wonderful administration, rules, and teachers. Thanks a lot for wasting my time and my grades
edit: Please comment
Sunday, January 18, 2009
87th Birthday
Now, if you made it to your 87th birthday, how would you feel? Tired? Complete? Amazed that you lived that long, thinking of all the dumbshit you've done? Or just happy to be around your family (hopefully), knowing you've lived that long? All in assumption by this point in your life, hopefully you could just enjoy yourself.
Today was a real eye opener for me.
Today I went to the hospital, to visit a family friend of my dad's for over...god at least 20 years, his best friend's dad, Paul Christensen, (Yes, if you've met Paul he was named after his dad, and I think his dad too). It's been a rough couple years for him. 2006 I believe, he had two or three strokes, and in 2007 he broke his hip on the way to the bathroom. Ever since then I think he's had a total of 5 strokes (2 large 3 small) and a full hip replacement. And now he's in the hospital (very recently, like the last 2 weeks) for a disease that really hits home with me in particular, Pneumonia...Fuck. That. Shit. No one should have to go through any of the same shit I did. I don't even think I could wish it upon my worst enemy to suffer the same shit I did. I still have nightmares over it, and get lost over it sometimes...enough about that though.
I wasn't sure what to think when I was going to see him. Then I walked into the room.
Oh my god, is this what I looked like? A dozen tubes coming out of me. On a respirator (forces you to breathe). And just looking all sorts of hell. This man is one of the most resilient mother fuckers I've ever seen in my life. I walked in and he grabbed my hand so hard I thought he was going to crush it. I was fucking amazed. I wish I could be even half as strong as him when I hit that age. Then it hit me, the table has completely turned over 6 years. 6 years ago this man was standing on the other side of the bed wishing it was him instead of me in that bed, strong as a fucking ox even though. I looked over my friend Paul, to see him crying. Him, crying? It blew my fucking mind. He's one of the manliest men I've ever met in my life, he's always strong and macho about everything he does. And seeing his father in this state, he couldn't even hold it in. And he stood there apologizing, about how he has to be strong for him, no matter what the circumstances. And he genuinely felt bad for showing a sign of "weakness" for his father...
I never really understood why everyone never wanted to come to the hospital to come see me, it kind of hurt for a while actually, but I got over it. But coming to this...god I can't blame anyone. The hospital is a fucked up heartless place. Walking through the ICU, where I spent 3/4 of my own time in, it felt like I was walking through a living cemetery. I mean I've seen some fucked up shit in the ICU. I mean when you're in there, conscious, you can't really do anything besides look forward at all the other fucked up people in front of you. I watched a father break down into hysterics and vomit as his 2 year year old son died of brain damage in front of him, from Shaken Baby syndrome. I watched another kid, maybe my age, go into fucking cardiac arrest in the bed next to me....I was just talking to him moments before then bam. I don't even know what happened to him because I was moved out of ICU a few hours later.
Fuck the hospital and fuck illnesses, and fuck all of the pain they bring. I hope that if I ever turn 87, that I just die instead of watching others come in and feel bad that I'm such a terrible state.
But this man is fighting for his live, no matter what. He probably doesn't even have that much time left, and he's still fighting on. He even understands his chances, and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It's down right astounding that a man this strong exists. I honestly hope I can end up half the man he was. Fight on man, fight on.
This whole event put some other emotions of mine within perspective. If it weren't for this I probably would've called a few people up really confused and mad about some shit I've been trying to do, yet I've been getting ignored. But I'm not going to bitch about that right now, there are far worse things than my own troubles for now.
Today was a real eye opener for me.
Today I went to the hospital, to visit a family friend of my dad's for over...god at least 20 years, his best friend's dad, Paul Christensen, (Yes, if you've met Paul he was named after his dad, and I think his dad too). It's been a rough couple years for him. 2006 I believe, he had two or three strokes, and in 2007 he broke his hip on the way to the bathroom. Ever since then I think he's had a total of 5 strokes (2 large 3 small) and a full hip replacement. And now he's in the hospital (very recently, like the last 2 weeks) for a disease that really hits home with me in particular, Pneumonia...Fuck. That. Shit. No one should have to go through any of the same shit I did. I don't even think I could wish it upon my worst enemy to suffer the same shit I did. I still have nightmares over it, and get lost over it sometimes...enough about that though.
I wasn't sure what to think when I was going to see him. Then I walked into the room.
Oh my god, is this what I looked like? A dozen tubes coming out of me. On a respirator (forces you to breathe). And just looking all sorts of hell. This man is one of the most resilient mother fuckers I've ever seen in my life. I walked in and he grabbed my hand so hard I thought he was going to crush it. I was fucking amazed. I wish I could be even half as strong as him when I hit that age. Then it hit me, the table has completely turned over 6 years. 6 years ago this man was standing on the other side of the bed wishing it was him instead of me in that bed, strong as a fucking ox even though. I looked over my friend Paul, to see him crying. Him, crying? It blew my fucking mind. He's one of the manliest men I've ever met in my life, he's always strong and macho about everything he does. And seeing his father in this state, he couldn't even hold it in. And he stood there apologizing, about how he has to be strong for him, no matter what the circumstances. And he genuinely felt bad for showing a sign of "weakness" for his father...
I never really understood why everyone never wanted to come to the hospital to come see me, it kind of hurt for a while actually, but I got over it. But coming to this...god I can't blame anyone. The hospital is a fucked up heartless place. Walking through the ICU, where I spent 3/4 of my own time in, it felt like I was walking through a living cemetery. I mean I've seen some fucked up shit in the ICU. I mean when you're in there, conscious, you can't really do anything besides look forward at all the other fucked up people in front of you. I watched a father break down into hysterics and vomit as his 2 year year old son died of brain damage in front of him, from Shaken Baby syndrome. I watched another kid, maybe my age, go into fucking cardiac arrest in the bed next to me....I was just talking to him moments before then bam. I don't even know what happened to him because I was moved out of ICU a few hours later.
Fuck the hospital and fuck illnesses, and fuck all of the pain they bring. I hope that if I ever turn 87, that I just die instead of watching others come in and feel bad that I'm such a terrible state.
But this man is fighting for his live, no matter what. He probably doesn't even have that much time left, and he's still fighting on. He even understands his chances, and he doesn't give a flying fuck. It's down right astounding that a man this strong exists. I honestly hope I can end up half the man he was. Fight on man, fight on.
This whole event put some other emotions of mine within perspective. If it weren't for this I probably would've called a few people up really confused and mad about some shit I've been trying to do, yet I've been getting ignored. But I'm not going to bitch about that right now, there are far worse things than my own troubles for now.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wow, fuck you guy on Gmail
Where's the line drawn that defines what a kid is? Is it pre puberty? Is it before you're 18? Are you a kid until the day you turn 18? Is it until you graduate college? What the fuck is it and why are you on your fucking high horse to tell me what the fuck I am you fucking tool. Because you've been in college for the last couple years, this suddenly turns you into a god among men? Why the fuck aren't you a kid and I am? Where do you get this sudden self realization of yourself? Holy shit you're just adding to my overall frustration god damnit.
So many people I need to tell things to, some more important, some just trivial, some very, very changing. But I guess I just fail and I'll never do anything I wish I could or would.
Come 5 more weeks, let's look at 18 years in and the list of things Taylor has not done!
A list that I talk about sometimes with some of you. Some of you know the things I haven't done in the about 18 years of my life, and I'm always told "Oh don't worry Taylor, you're time will come" or "Oh don't worry wanting (something) isn't that big of a deal, you'll find the right (something) eventually"
I'm tired of eventually god damnit. What did I do to have to miss every single train stop? Why am I put on the backburner? Why do I get overlooked and ignored whenever something happens. I hate fucking complaining about shit but...god damn when do I get a break?
I'm tired of life, I'm gonna go read for Hodges and forget about my problems. Fuck this
So many people I need to tell things to, some more important, some just trivial, some very, very changing. But I guess I just fail and I'll never do anything I wish I could or would.
Come 5 more weeks, let's look at 18 years in and the list of things Taylor has not done!
A list that I talk about sometimes with some of you. Some of you know the things I haven't done in the about 18 years of my life, and I'm always told "Oh don't worry Taylor, you're time will come" or "Oh don't worry wanting (something) isn't that big of a deal, you'll find the right (something) eventually"
I'm tired of eventually god damnit. What did I do to have to miss every single train stop? Why am I put on the backburner? Why do I get overlooked and ignored whenever something happens. I hate fucking complaining about shit but...god damn when do I get a break?
I'm tired of life, I'm gonna go read for Hodges and forget about my problems. Fuck this
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