6 years of people

so now that I've gotten the first two out of the way, and I wont see a whole lot of you again (well most of you I will, but that's besides the point) let's get down to the rest of you now shall we? Also I'm taking omar's lead and there will be some stuff in here you might not want to read. But hey if you want to say anything to me after, just shoot me an IM. This will mainly be about long term people I've known throughout the years, so try to not be offended if you think you should be on here and are not


(I started this the day we graduated so some things in here may be a little outdated, deal with it I suppose)


Zack: What a story to tell here. We used to basically be buddy buddy with everything. Whenever anything happened we were always there for each other. Then came junior year and we totally drove each other apart, and I blame it all fully on comp sci. I'm willing to accept some of the blame for being an annoying twat some times, but boy that one day where I asked everyone for help, and you wouldnt help, or Mr. Chang, or the sophomores, or the seniors, I had had it with everything in that class and was willing to take an F just to get away from you and everyone else in there. I think we've come back pretty well since then, but something just appears to be missing and I don't know what

and just a little FYI zack I've never ditched you in my life, no matter what you thought about senior sunrise or anything else. Don't even go down that road.

Final edit before I post: Don't be a stranger and don't take aggression out on others, we're all mean to each other. (This applies to you too curtin)

Jonathan Harris: Shit I've known you too forever now 6 years. I remember the first real conversation we had was at my house some random weekend after my birthday at knotts, and I thought you were totally the coolest guy ever, and I was right haha. I've heard from everyone at one point or another how much they hate talking to you when youre just arguing with them, but for some reason we've never really argued. Maybe it's just because we've never had a reason to fight (except for that one time you were a total jackass in meloche's class and hit me in the face with a ball), or we just get along that well, who knows. But I'm glad we're still great friends and that we'll be going to CSULB together still. Even more time to do more things haha

Jesus: I'm going to be blunt here. I hated you for the longest time. I regularly made fun of you just because all you did was piss me off way back in 10th grade. Everything you freaking did was just some way to make me mad, and you were just a total dick about it( and dont even deny this lol). Down to the CD project in meloche. I remember that when we met for the last time we agreed not to tell you about it because we figured we'd get more work down without you. And low and behold the only work you did was stolen from another group lol. Again like Zack, I'd like to think we've come quite a long way since then and have become great friends. You regularly ask if I hate you, I don't, but you need to stop being so dickish a lot of the time. You provoke me at quite possibly the worst points of the time which is why I lash out so much at you. I'll never really understand your motivations sometimes, but w/e I suppose lol.

edit: I don't hate you so dont think that lol

Kim Loftis: Something that again I will never understand. You hung out with every single one of my friends but we never said more than a couple sentences to each other until 10th grade in art. Simply put you are amazing. I do miss some of the chats/note passings we used to have all the time during bio last year, that provided me with some of my most fun and entertainment, and I'm sure we could still learn more about each other if we have them again hahaha...jokes aside though, like everyone else on this lat I do love being around you and talking to you. You too are going to CSULB so that's just peachy haha :) If you ever read this or ever go online ever again (which might not be ever apparently) AIM me so we can talk again!

edit: GET ONLINE AT A REAL HOUR! DDDD::::

Haygood: We've always been default friends due to cluster, but I think we've gotten pretty close ever since you came back to our table from playing basketball in 10th grade. Putting up with people in Levoit's class, breaking zack's ankles filming a comercial, playing gears all the time (but never finishing the damn game) and numerous parties and other things, and I think you're my favorite tall person ever. I will say I felt really really excluded from you and anaoshak. It's kind of the reason I never went on xbox live for so long, like 80% of the time I wasnt really busy (after those first 2-3 weeks were I was actually incredibly busy). I would just feel so lonely while you guys played and I was basically out of the loop on everything, and when I did actually play I would just leave my mic off and turn the voices on through the speakers, w/e though, we have the rest of the summer and I need to buy live again x_x. BTW playing cards with you is incredibly fun, I can't wait to play more over the summer.


Ryan Plunkett: I was pretty cool with you for the longest time after all of the weird people we had to deal with in 9th grade art. Even to the point of getting pissed at all of the people who didnt like you for w/e quirk they talked about. Then came junior year and one of the most hurtful letters that you sent via myspace (back in december or january if you ever feel like reading it), then one event led to another and I couldnt even be around you without just being mad and lonely. You just dropped into my life and swept a whole bunch of things away. I'd like to think we've come pretty far since then, but I'm not 100% sure, I'd like to hope so but I don't know.

Mitchell: I read your comment in my yearbook and I know you had good intent in writing it, but I felt really bad for a while. I remember thinking you were the coolest thing since sliced bread and I just wanted to hang with you whenever I could. You were so mysterious. You had no class spirit, essentially hated oxford, and never did anything with any of us and I was so confused as to why. Funny enough you end up on class committee and become one of the most well known people amongst our class haha. Like jonathan I always try to stay off your bad side because I hate seeing you mad at anyone, let alone me. And again I'm sorry if I've ever made you mad but I never know if you are or not. Just letting you know again if you ever need anything I'm always just a text or an IM away.

Lauren: Gosh, where do I begin with you huh? Summer junior year I fell for you harder than anyone I had in my entire life. Nothing made me happier than to be with you. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was that you were just like me or something. We liked just about the exact same shit. Anything I ever did with or for you back then I toiled on forever with people who for some reason didn't mind listening to me worry for hours on end. Just the back to school dance alone junior year I spent the entire day/evening with kim just worrying about any possible thing I could do wrong. Then in december you pretty much killed me with a bombshell that you knew for the entire time I liked you but didn't have it in you for the entire time to tell me or anything. I became really introverted with you again and basically had to start all over again. This year I did the same thing and I don't know why. I knew you more or less had no interest in me, but I'm not a quitter is my stupid dense mentality. I still remember when I was going to ask you WF that day and I totally got owned lol. I'm glad we had fun at prom but there's still...well I won't beat a dead horse but anyone reading this knows exactly how I felt about that night. And as I write this now I still feel something, I don't know how or why. All I do is set myself up for hurt, for something that I guess just won't ever be, but I will never understand why, and either you don't know like you say or don't want to tell me. I guess I can't blame you for not wanting to hangout with me anymore :( I don't want it to be like this but you seem to have no time for me or anything (or just anything that isn't me haha), I guess we just gotta talk or do something eventually some day I don't know...don't be a stranger

PS. No matter how you word it, you ditched me on Up. Bottom line. And it really hurt. You said you just went with your coworker just to go, and that was that, and you only knew "the night before", would it have been so hard to tell me you went to see it? I turned down two other offers to go see it over the last week or two just because I thought we were going to see it...just because you word it differently doesn't make it hurt any less

I was pretty upset when I wrote this one too...but I don't know what else to say here anymore. Talk to me I guess, oh well.

Final edit: I don't know what to say anymore. I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I don't know what to say if you just tell me youre so busy all the time...just with other people. It doesn't bother me if you don't want to, I just don't feel terrible feeling one way and being pulled another. You seem to have the luck of everyone wanting to go after you, I wish I had the same pull as that sigh.

Final FINAL edit here....I'm not saying we shouldnt just hang out or have fun, but shit I don't know what to say...talk to me for once instead of me "forcing" it heh.

Lisa: So what happened here? I remember that we were pretty close up until around back in 9th grade then that seemed to be that. I totally did not agree with some of the things you said/did (I don't remember that vividly anymore, but I didnt like it at all), and I guess that was the end of that. And it wasnt until around the middle or end 10th grade that we even started talking again. I don't know what else to say though. I mean I know we're friends and all, but what now? I feel like the last 4 years has been this empty void between us. We're barely any closer now than when we were all the way back then...sigh I guess we just have to start from square one maybe? I don't know, what do we do? lol

Final edit: What you said to me really upset me, for a long time. If you don't know what I said, go figure it out or ask someone.

Ryan Curtin: Shit we've been neighbors for our entire lives and we never even SEE each other until the middle of 9th grade. WTF SERIOUSLY?! Well I'm not gonna lie, I remember me and omar talking about you freshmen year thinking you were one of the weirdest kids ever and wondered why you ever sat with us, glad I was wrong here haha. I know where I'll start with you, debate. I'm pretty glad we ended up as partners, but holy shit did that ever almost kill us? I remember when your twatness was acting up by the end of the berkeley trip. I was almost ready to strangle you DURING my 1ar, fiddling with my laptop and erasing all of my speeches I was so mad I just started throwing shit across the room making the judges mad. But besides that I had a total blast with you this year. Making fun of stupid freshmen who had no idea what they were talking about....making fun of SENIORS who had no idea what they were talking about. I don't know why we did so well to be honest. I mean we did have people help us, but besides files after files, everything else was all us. I had the speed where you were the brains behind everything. For being first years I'd like to say that we totally dominated our fellow jv members. I don't know why though. Is this really that hard to comprehend the younger you are? Man only if we would've joined back in sophomore year we could've just been fucking shit up left and right haha. Year well spent my friend.

Jon Worrel: We go all the way back to PC's class way back in 8th grade haha. What we used to draw like upside down Question marks, and look up stuff on your PDA in class, and laugh when mrs. PC screamed OH SHIT in the middle of class...hehe. We used to do shit all the time man! What happened? It always seems you or me are always too busy to do anything. Even if we don't talk for long periods of time we will always have tech shit ahahah. I've had some pretty intense conversations with you and I'm glad you're one of the few people who have left Oxford that I still keep in touch with. This is it and final, we are going to hang out soon whether either of us like it or not...just gotta figure out wtf to do lol.

Bryan freaking Hunt: We go all the way back to...what was that rietsch's class in 8th grade where you and danny took a bunch of knives and threw them at me during math? You're pretty awesome basically and I love hanging out with you/omar and attempting to write music or play music...or just devolve into playing games and other shit that has nothing to do with anything haha. I think if either of us want to do anything we should probably be more serious, as only 1 out of the 3 of us appears to have any talent at all...whatsoever. Well hopefully we fix that. It amazes me that you were only at oxford for a year and a half and we still have been able to stay as close as we have. I just realized that wow, you stayed at oxford the least out of almost anyone I can think of o_O. We gotta do some shit soon too...last summer before college but at least we'll all be fairly close to home.

Danny: What do I say here? I was mad at you for so long for all of the fucking stupid shit you did, and now that I've made amends with you...what's changed? You have the exact same personality traits that irked me in the first place: dependent on rides no matter what the occasion but fail to ask for them BEFORE hand, a little too invasive, and just too questioning. I'm trying to be a really nice guy in all of this but it's extremely difficult when only one person is trying to change anything or act as nice as they possibly can...oh well I'm not going to harbor any bad feelings.

Valerie: Wow I'm not sure what to say haha. We've known each other since around Cross Country I'd say, yet we barely even talked until after 1st semester this year? Then we don't even HANG OUT at all until after I graduate? Man where did all the time go D: Well out of all the juniors I did get to know you are my favorite junior (now senior!) that I've met by far ever :) We've got all of this summer then pretty much anytime after that too to get to know each other/talk more/ whatever else since I'm still at home haha! I'm glad you were there for me for...well you know what, and I really appreciate you listening to my seemingly endless banter and nonsense that I put you (and apparently a lot of other people through haha) :) just know that if you ever need anything I'm not very far away, and I really do owe you for helping me out so much, just let me know!

My heart aches after all of this. I have seriously spent the last....almost month writing and editing this. Some things I wrote on here were even too harsh for a "getting stuff off my chest" post...If you werent on here please don't feel bad, or yell at me, or anyone else for that matter. It's not that you werent important or that you didn't matter, or that you didn't touch my life, but there are so many of you I just have to choose. If I come back to this and it seems inadequate I'll add more but please don't feel bad :(

PS if you feel a certain way, or feel I have misjudged or mislabeled you, please don't hesistate to IM me or call me or text me to ask why/how about any of this....


Sigh now for my hardest part...hitting the publish post button

The last blog I post as a senior in highschool

Weird...6 years at this school is already over? Holy shit. I'll just spend this time to talk about the 2 people who had the BIGGEST impact on me my entire life at Oxford. I'll write about most of you later, but these two need have priority haha :)

I remember walking onto campus the VERY first day and meeting up with the only person in the entire world that I knew for a fact would be at the same school, raghav...

As we grabbed our schedules and looked at our map (which was very VERY poorly drawn by the way), a minute later I heard him say "Wow we have every single class together" and at a closer look he was right. We'd have to deal with the same terrible history class, run the same stupid miles with hale, take science with the least competent science teacher on campus, draw some stupid art together, learn algebra together, and take English-Art (Shirey ahahaha) together. Out of all of the things that happened to me at my 6 years here, I think this takes the cake as the best one, because one of, if not the best friendship I ever formed started with one hilarious coincidence through the couneslors. It sucks that I havent had a class with the guy in 2 years, and that we'll be almost an hour and a half away from each other next year, but I'm not too worried, we have the internet, agrivating games, and the eventual trips that I'll have to make down there to see him and other SD people. It's still hard to even grasp that we've spent 6 years together. So much time spent playing SO MANY THINGS, and I think I can finally grasp why he doesn't want to sign my yearbook (this doesn't change the fact that you are a LAZY BASTARD though jesus christ)

And who would've thought that the other person I would meet on the VERY first day would have equally just as big of an impact on my life as Raghav? For the first few periods me and raghav talked about the first seemingly dreaded lunch...Where would we sit? Who would we sit with? What would we talk about? As we walked into 5th period beckett, it was the first period so far that we hadn't sat next to each other due to seating arrangements, but that's alright. I sat there watching as this kid with incredibly short hair sat there twirling a pen around between his thumb and forefinger. Absolutely entranced I picked up my pen and on the VERY first try I accidentally whacked him in the head with it. He turned around and I was embarassed as fuck. And he said, and I'll never forget "Hey now that you've hit me in the head, let me introduce myself, I'm Omar, and this isn't really that hard, let me show you how" And instead of listening to beckett (A trend that would set in for the rest of the year, and probably why I'm so shitty at math now hahaha), we sat and talked a bunch of small talk and he explained to me how to twirl pens around in so many different ways. As the bell rang I thought to myself, "oh man...what am I doing for lunch..." and omar must've seen me and raghav lost in thought since he asked us "Hey why dont you two eat lunch with us, unless you have somewhere you're already gonna eat at"

So of course we agreed to eat lunch there, which may have been the best decision I made out of my 6 years here. He shows us to the table that had been so carefully picked out, and as we sat down we must've EASILY had the largest group of scrubs on campus. If my memory serves me right, the people sitting at this table were: "Omar, Cameron Haygood, Cameron Soreno (spelling permits), Harris, Mez, Zack, myself, Raghav, Rahul, Jesus (I THINK), elton, and several others. I never would've thought this would've been the same group of people (mostly, at least most who are still here) that I'd known for the remainder of my years here.

Over the years we got incredibly close, swapping stories that both horrified and amazed the two of us. I've gotten angry with everyone I know at least at one point or another, and I think I can easily say I've never been more than just agitated with him at one point or another. It's hard for me to stay mad or even get mad in the first place too haha...

I never really knew anyone closely in elementary school (well...the few I did is another story entirely), and I think out of anyone ever leaving oxford, his hurt me the most. I was just so devastated. I felt alone, cold, and just horrible that this could happen. Quite possibly the nicest and coolest kid I know was gone, I was terrified that he would've been gone from my life forever holy shit.

I'm so glad that I never lost touch, it's like he never left :)




And now it's all over. What do we all do now? I don't want to lose touch with them, or any of you that matter to me as a matter of fact either. This isn't going to be easy or simple, but I've got to deal with it. Like other things, but this I hopefully won't totally fail at....

PS. I'll never forget that when I came back from being sick for 3-4 months-ish what elton said right to me as I sat down to eat with everyone again, "What's this fat blonde asshole doing eating with us omar?!" ahahaha

Hmm..

What am I supposed to do anyway? I'm willing to bet I've more or less gone to all ends of the earth, twice over, all to the same result. I've talked and talked and talked and... well you get the point. It's become quite apparent to me (Several times), that anything I do in any situation ever never really works. A select few people give me more than the standard "just keep looking forward" crap which I appreciate, but what do I do really?


I'm pretty convinced at this point in my life I'm destined to be unhappy or just looked over. I mean fuck all people do is get mad at me. Like today at lunch fuck...everyone was all mad at me because of the after-prom situation the other night. I mean I'm sorry that I had a responsibility to make sure people were home at a certain time, but just because I said I'd like to go bowling doesn't mean im just going to abandon all of my shit immediately. We showed up and I tried to stay, but I couldnt do it without people getting in trouble while it being my fault... EITHER WAY you guys didn't need me to bowl...you could've just done w/e you wanted. I apologized, what more do you fucking want from me? Damn. And fucking either way by the time YOU guys got there there was only about 30 minutes left while they were opened anyway, by the time you rented all the shit and got ready you would've had time for about one fucking game...waste of money for ONE GAME. the shoes and everything would've cost more than the actual game itself.
And either way twice over I explained on the phone my situation, and to CALL ME IF ANYTHING CHANGED OR ANYONE WANTED TO DO ANYTHING, I would've been more than happy to drive you/do w/e. I forgot if I typed this twice so I'll just leave it here


And this is just one example. Anytime I do anything that contradicts even the smallest detail I've said before gets thrown right back in my face. Why am I always the asshole? Anytime I disagree with ANYONE OR ANYTHING, I'm an asshole. Of course any of you can be total bitchy cunts anytime you want and feel totally justified, but GOD FORBID I go against anything I possibly say EVER.


...


Why doesn't anything ever just go my way? Everything has to be a fucking mess. Everything. :(

Prom could've been a really simple and fun, but all I got was bitch bitch this, taylor you cant do this blah blah blah, this thing fucking sucks etc etc, stop taking all of this so seriously taylor god... God fuck you. You are the same stupid bitch I remember from 8th grade. Is it so much to ask for just a nice relaxing ride? Especially at fucking 12:30 AM when I'm fucking exhausted. All I wanted was a fun night and by the end I didn't even want to get out of my car...I just wanted to curl up in my seat and go to sleep. Which I basically did when I got home. I just slumped upstairs, checked some mail and went to sleep. All day and night for the last week I've been watching everyone just being so...happy and shit, is it really so much to ask to be a part of that? I mean don't get me wrong I had a blast at prom, but why do all of the simple things have to just compund and make me feel worse. Can I not be a part of that group that gets to just have fun or something?

It must be, it has to be, there's no other way. There really is no possible other explanation for it besides the fact that it it's just too much to ask for, for something nice to happen.

11 days left and I'm no closer to anything than when I started high school oh so long ago.

Also I might add it takes me a lot of effort to remain so patient and docile so much of the time, but I'm human, I don't think I can take much more. It's why I've been snapping so much. Anything I ever do gets shot down by whomever/whatever it is. Constant rejection and shunning really can hurt a guy ya know.

I constantly throw myself into shit headfirst, easily knowing what I'm getting myself into a lot, just really hoping maybe, just maybe the stars will be aligned and maybe I'll do something right or get someone to see something.

Like we said the other night, I'm sick of chasing, it doesn't work. I'd rather just catch it and hold on for dear life, the problem is getting it all started :|

I dunno if I'm done with this yet, maybe more coming, dunno who knows