life blows

yep

not much else to say here

Why does everyone think I hate them all of a sudden ???

The last 2 weeks or so have been some of the longest, most hellish shit I've had to put up with in a long time.

I haven't been on aim or talking to most of you because I've been trying to sort my own shit out lol.

I've got people jumping down my throat for whatever reason they feel I'm fucking up with on one side, and on the other side I've had to deal with 2 deaths. Give me a break please, yeah?

I'm not mad at any of you, I'm not ignoring any of you, I'm not even that mad or depressed or anything

I've just been busy that's all relax. We're not losing friendships or w/e you think is going on, all of you just relax lol. We'll be back and doing w/e the fuck it is we do soon

Heh

I just realized I only write on here when I'm mad or upset

I wonder if I would write on here if I was ever happy about something...

God Damn

Today was the first decent day I've actually had in so long, that lunch was so delicious god damn

You know, I don't know who reads this, I just hear from people here and there about it, but here goes this anyway. I'm not entirely sure what's up with me. There isn't a single thing that apparently I can do right, or can be done right for me.

Yesterday, I figured "hey I'll donate blood, it's for a cause that's good right?" ....Right? So I sat there for an hour just waiting. Got into the little booth, got my finger pricked, answered a bunch of questions, talked to some guy about it, signed my life away, etc etc. Pretty much S.O.P. So I sit down, she iodines me, and pokes me with the needle to take blood. Now I've said it about a dozen times, but for anyone who hasn't heard me....you know that feeling when you go to get blood drawn, how it hurts for like maybe 3-5 seconds then it all just goes away? That stabbing feeling NEVER left my arm the 10 minutes I was sitting on that miserable fuck of a table. And that stupid twat of a phlebotomist (think that's how you spell it) said this to me, "Hm...it's going pretty slow, have you been drinking a lot of water" "Yes I drink a gallon a day" "Oh wow....let's just see here" I wasn't sure of what she was going to do, but I felt her wiggle it around...yep she wiggled the needle, a sharp, metal needle, while it was IN MY GOD DAMN ARM. Well you know what happens when you do shit like that? Dumb cunt managed to pierce the OTHER side of my vein, and the blood proceeded to stop flowing. And she sat there dumbfounded, wondering why her fruitful efforts were all in vain (hehe). Hm it couldn't be that all of the blood that WOULD be flowing into the fucking bag is now flowing INTO MY ARM could it? Fucking shit was disgusting and scary as fuck. I'm not exaggerating this when I say it looked like a fucking baseball was stuck under my arm. At this point the bitch is telling me to, "oh just relax this isn't that big of a problem" FUCK YOU YES IT IS WHEN YOU FUCK UP AND BLOOD IS BEGINNING TO FLOW INTO A GIANT LUMP IN MY ARM YOU STUPID WHORE.

Hey Red Cross, SUCK ON MY NUTS. You want blood? Get real fucking people to do it, not these asshole trainees you consider able to do it. Fuck you and everything you do. I refuse to ever donate blood again because of you dumbasses. At first, when someone told me that a real red cross center would produce better results, I was about to believe them, then I realized Oxford didn't hire these people, Red Cross SENT THEM OUT. Yeah fuck you guys, worthless pieces of shit. I hope the stupid cunt gets fired

Now honestly is it too much to ask for something/someone/anything nice? Is it really? Yeah I don't say what I want to who/whatever I need to, yes I'm more or less indecisive, yes there are things I should do, or should say, or should attempt to do,but why does everything rest on MY shoulders? Why do I have to fix MYSELF all the time? I'm tired of having to deal with myself, can't I just get a break? Can't I just get someone to tell me something I'd want to hear? Can't I get someone to help me out? Can't I get someone to be the one who tells people what to do? Can't I get someone that just...helps me?

Here's another example, we had work to do and present in gov today. Kim took the first paragraph and started writing, while I sat there and found myself one to write up. Meanwhile Ryan and Eric are just sitting there chatting away, while we need to get some fucking work done. Instead of just pissing around, I just went "Ok ryan read this, eric read this" while I get a sarcastic "yes sir mr.sir" fucking comment from ryan. What the fuck? You dumbasses aren't doing shit and then get mad at me when I tell you to work? Fuck that. I'm not going to take stupid backtalk like that when it comes to work. I can be that person who drives people to do shit, I've always done it, but I'm tired of it. I'm fucking tired of telling people what to do, and how to act. A lot of you should just know how to function on your own, you're seniors for fucks sake, learn to take initiave.

Man, there isn't much I really want anymore. I don't even know what I do want anymore. Well that's a lie actually, I guess I just waited too long, or did I? Did I waste time? Did I miss an opportunity through this fogged glass I consider life? Did I miss a message? Was there never anything to not miss? I don't know. I know nothing anymore.

Can I just get a break, and someone to explain life to me again? I feel like everything has flown right by me and I'm fucked because I can't even help myself. Why does it even have to be me in the first place...?

Please? Is it too much to ask for...whatever it is anymore? Sigh, fuck senior year, fuck oxford, fuck this im taking my anger out on something else