Dear Mother

As I have just remembered a dark time in my past, I'm going to open it up here.

Oh where to begin..



You beat me, mentally destroyed me, burned me, choked me, used me for your benefits, and at its very essence, broke me.

How is an 8 year old supposed to react to "You piece of shit, get out of my house, you make me sick to my stomach" when you just wanted a parent to give you a hug from a bad day at school?

I don't want to seem like I'm bragging, or know more than any of the 3 people who look at this, or even act like I'm better but realistically:

-Have you ever been physically beaten by a parent verbally or physically every single day of your waking life for nearly 12 years?
-Have you ever wanted to just leave home, and not just "run away" I literally mean leave, and hope that being homeless works out well?
-Have you ever wished you didn't exist because at least your "mother" would be better off?
-Have you ever been afraid of fucking coming home, and taking as much time getting there because you knew something was going to destroy your soul the moment you got home?
-Did you have a safe house you could sneak out to when your mom was on a rampage breaking all of the things you loved? (Why else did I have 4 fucking SNES's...)


Well years 4-12~ were essentially this. No matter what happened, I was on the chopping block for her fucked up mentality. I have a scar somewhere on my left arm from her putting a cigarette out because I was "acting out". I've been choked to near unconsciousness because she thought it was funny, I've been verbally abused to the point where I take EVERY insult very very personally (In jest or not, everything hurts me. I just try not to show it). I've been kicked around, I've been kicked out of a car three miles from my house and forced to walk home.

You know that feeling of adrenaline when you see something scary? Imagine that everytime you walked home from school and saw your front door...



How is a small child supposed to feel about being insulted when every insult growing up was a stab at who they were, how "awful" they were, and how shitty their lives had become because we exist?

My dad got the right idea divorcing her stupid ass for being a giant slut. She had such a good life, no work, and a husband bringing home around 4-6 grand a month? She had everything she could've wanted, but she chose to be a fucking whore.

Too bad his leaving left me and my sister to grow up in that piece of shit house. Sure he cared about us, but what could he do legally? HE left HER. sigh...


She went through tons of boyfriends, all of which were pitiful excuses for human beings. Let me start with real stories now

Boyfriend A: Don't remember how or what led to this, but she thought it would be really funny if she could impress him some more by making him laugh. So she called me out, told me to hold my head against a 2" thick sliding glass door, which she then kicked with full force into my face. I don't remember much besides sprinting to my room in blinding agony. Every single muscle and bit of tissue on my face was just in blinding pain. I came out like 2 hours later calmed down, maybe thinking I'd upset her somehow and was going to apologize to her, instead her boyfriend pointed and laughed and said, and I'll never forget "WOW LOOK AT THE LITTLE FUCKS FACE! NICE GOING BABY!" and they just laughed...and laughed...and laughed.

So I took my dad's screwdriver to that fucker's tires and popped all of them. Then took my t-ball bat and annihilated his right fender, and would've done more damage but he heard me and broke up with my mom on the spot.

Boyfriend B: Basically had a total bitch for a daughter. Was a year older than me and thought she could get away with murder. One day my mom, boyfriend, and daughter all went out for the weekend (yeah go figure, my own mom wouldnt give enough shit about me to consider me to want to go on a trip somewhere). Trashman came on monday, they came on tuesday. The daughter had been abusing me the same way my mom had for about a month because she figured she could get away with it(she did). So I decided to take all of her shit and put it on the curb. Bed. Mattress. Clothes. Dresser...anything that wasnt bolted down was getting fucking trashed. I got as much food as I could, grabbed my phone, bolted my windows, and just sat there waiting for them to come home to see her precious new "daughters" shit GONE. I fled the house at night for about a week to my best friend, when I came home they had broken up and it was like nothing ever happened which was weird.

Boyfriend C: Basically knocked my ass around and threatened me to never say anything to anyone, on grounds of...i dont even remember it's blocked from my mind. Mom didn't care, was too afraid to tell anyone because I thought he was omnipotent. So I figured since everyone hated me, there was no use in having two people who hated me. Slowly overtime I began to get rid of all of his things from my house. And I remember seeing a picture in a heart frame that was two pictures cut together to make their picture the "heart" one of the pictures was a family photo from when I was two and her and dad were still together....we were both cut out so boyfriend and her were in and no one else.

It was the first time I remember being both upset and completely heartbroken. I'd been abused and screamed at countless times, but I had never been CUT from something. I don't remember much from that day after something in me snapped. I barricaded myself in my room with that picture just sobbing for days. When I finally came out during the day, he was there and he said to me another sentence I'll never forget, "So you fat little shit are you done trying to fuck things up for me?" The last thing I vividly remember was my t-ball bat (again, gotta love the thing, I still have it somewhere) hitting him as hard as I could in his knee before I took off over my ladder int he backyard to my friends house. Where I again hid for a while.

When I came home, it was the first time my mom grabbed me by the neck and choked me until I almost passed out. Apparently she got a kick out of that so she kept doing it...

Which eventually transformed into kicking, and around 7th grade was punching me in the back of the head as hard as she could...

Which turns into my favorite revenge story. Back in 7th grade I remember doing some ridiculous amount of homework for Ms. Yang's awful class. And I had a huge CRT monitor and a brand new computer. I vividly remember seeing her trying to sneak up on me to hit me. So I led her on thinking she could have her good ol' time with the back of my head...

So once I saw the wind up and the punch, I moved and dodged that shit like the matrix making her lose all her balance. Grabbed the stupid cunt by the neck, threw her dumbass against the glass door she kicked me on, and proceeded to hit her as hard as I fucking could. Dropped her to the ground while was she coughing and crying her eyes out. Got real close and screamed "DO NOT. FUCK. WITH ME."

And it stopped. She never said anything to me after that, acted like we were buddy buddy, and like it was all ok, as if nothing ever happened. Then I found a bunch of Speed in her closet, and told the counselors about it, and she got arrested and I never had to go back to that hellhole...


And you know the part that fucking kills me to this day? She acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. Like she never did anything wrong by me, and that I was taken from her because she had one mess up.

***I'll never be able to fully embrace someone because I'm scared of getting my ass beat, every "quick" action makes me flinch (you should know me, and have noticed this by now)
***I can never take a compliment or an insult because I'm afraid of their being a deep seated hatred. I've lost many people over the years who have "hated" me, I don't know how much more I can take.
***I can never tell anyone how I feel about them, how much I care about them, how much I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how much I care about them (whether it be a friendship or romantic), because I'm so scared of pushing anyone away because I can't deal with anymore bullshit in my life.

My mom tells me how much she wants me to help her with this and that, and how close we are now, and how she wants things to be "different" between us, but can't even apologize to me for how she fucked me up.


So... Dear Mom,

Hope you've had a great life, because you've broken mine.
Thanks to you I'll never be able to fully embrace who I could've been or who I even am.
To all the booze, all the cigarettes, all the drugs, and all your bullshit.
For the beatings, the bruises, the burns, and my broken soul.
For all of of the hopes that I had that you'd accept me
For all the damage you caused

I will never love you.

If you were to die tomorrow, my only regret is that I couldn't make you feel even half as bad as you have made me feel.

With all do respect, please disappear, if I never saw you again it would be too soon. You were not, and will never be my "Mom"


I need a shower, that was too much anger for one sitting. If you have anything to say go ahead, I do enjoy responses.