Introversion

As I sit here doing my psych homework, late as usual, I've come to a sad conclusion. I'm pretty much the most introverted person I know...(unless I go and drink and end up talking to every person I see for some reason lol)

Yet I've grown so fond of the circle of friends I do have, that in that I don't feel it at all...

But trying to talk to new people doesn't necessarily make me nervous or apprehensive, I just choose not to because I don't want to go through all of the bullshit anymore.

With everyone I know that I've known for going on 8 years now (shit...wow) I'm pretty sure I've gone through all sorts of ups and downs to get to where we are now. Of course that's how the dynamics of relationships (platonic or romantic) play out, but I don't know how much I can take in my current state of mind.

My god I mean I can't even get past myself thinking of all of the consequences of every word I say to let myself ask someone out on a date, I'm already thinking 3,4,5 steps down the road from when I ask a question. Before I even ask a question about that (or anything for that matter) I contemplate "What if they say no, what's our relationship going to be like after I say something, what will happen if they say yes, where do I go from there, how do I not look stupid, I probably look stupid sitting here thinking about not wanting to look stupid"...you can see how this gets me no where in a hurry


Everyday I tell myself that depression goes away, do something today that you didn't do the day before, try to make today better than yesterday, but my god it just doesn't work for me. The whole American ethic of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps is a lame notion that just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I do my best to try, but again I ask you white blog page, is it a whole lot to hope that someone can just see that you're hurting/in need without having to ask, and fix it? I can't fix myself anymore obviously, all I do is making everything worse with anything.


I'd probably be better off not around, who knows what keeps me going or how I'm even alive to begin with. I was going to write I wonder how I'm so lucky, but I realized I don't even know what I'm lucky for other than existing these days