What a pile of crap. Senior year is supposed to be more relaxed than any point during our 6 years here. Fucking I'm more stressed now than I've ever been. Mr. O grades like a bastard on papers, Mr. Stevens is out of his mind, Mr. Hodges gives the hardest tests ever, and Gov is a joke.
And it's not just limited to school, everything sucks for everyone. I'm not going to name names, but you all obviously know who you are, who have some kind of outstanding issue with life, and we've talked about it, and I'd like to think we're pretty much all in agreement that stuff is just....at least mildly horrible. Obviously some of you have more outstanding issues let's call them, than I do, but hey you have your blog for that and I have mine :)
Let's start with track. I'm fucking horrible. All of my muscles are screaming in pain any time I do anything. I've had 6 leg cramps in both legs in the course of the last 14 days. My hamstrings feel like they're about to pop out from my legs, and I can barely lift my arms. This would be acceptable if I had been really working my ass of, but I haven't I'm a weak bastard now. All that effort in XC to run put everything into my legs instead of my arms. And now that I've been lazy since XC ended, and I don't work out as much as I should, I'm double fucked. I want to quit, I'll never bring in points and I'll never do anything that warrants me as more than a name on a list.
That's all I'll ever be, some name, somewhere, on some list, not for anything important...sigh oh well with that
Something else that bugs me, relationships. I've tried to no end to make one work for god damn ever.
7th grade was just silly
8th grade was horribly awkward and weird
9th grade was ugly, oh god was that ugly
10th grade was boring
11th and 12th I've done nothing but fail over 2 people, that I still don't feel over even though I say I am
11th was just me being...I don't know the old me, the horribly shy and awkward me. Didn't like me then, got over it, oh well.
12th. Went to the polling booths, talk and learn shit about person all day, get number. Ignored.
The fuck? I still don't understand what happened, it seemed so promising. All the fun, all the long flirty looks, all the laughs the smiles, and just the overall enjoyment of everything.
And then there was another situation, which I never did anything about. So many nights, I sat (and still sit) there and think what if. What if I had done what I had all planned out. What if I had that one more day. Would it have mattered? Or would I have been cast aside like they really didnt give a fuck again. People always tell me "Oh don't worry it probably would've been _____________ anyway" You know what? Fuck that too. Can you look me dead in the eyes and tell me you know exactly what would've happened over something that never will? No you can't, and you will never have any justification because you'll never know or give anything a chance.
Am I mad? No. Bitter? Pretty much. No one likes to be strung along, even if they're ignorant to what may be obvious signs, it's still annoying as all hell. I'll always be there, but don't just walk all over me because of that please, I don't like excuses. I hurt too, I don't think anyone cares though. Do people read this really? I don't know.
Do I ever get my chance to be happy? My chance to show something? "Just wait for it taylor" Fuck that, everyone has gotten their chance, where the hell is mine. I'm tired of waiting. I can't stand it. Everything I do makes me feel even worse. Even as I type this alone in my room at 12:27 AM Sunday March 8th (thank you lauren. lol, I don't know my dates), I just feel like breaking down all over again. You all have that person to turn to when you need it. I wish I did. People listen to me, but do they really? The only advice I get anymore is shit that hurts me more.
I'm a mess, I need help, god damnit. What do I do? Where do I go? How do I show you that you were wrong, even if it changes nothing. How do I prove anything to anyone? How do I.....
oh fuck it, I'll just be fucking miserable and alone like everyone else, not like I have an option
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3 comments:
agreed. i feel like shit.
I can't wait to get out of this hellhole we call high school. All the superficial emotions, the fake and diverted signs of affection that actually looked real. It's all a joke man. But look at it this way - this is the final lap, and we're nearing the finish line of this shit. Even if you're passive for the rest of it, don't worry. Happiness starts when you're independent of the people around you.
Right there with you.
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