So I've kind of come to a realization

I feel like...I'm here to satisfy a lot of needs, and get a lot of things done, and make a lot of people "happy" with things they like. Yet none of them involve me if that makes sense.


Music for one thing. I think I've only been able to fully convey the difficulty of the task at hand with recording music, and as hard as I'm trying I'm failing; crashing and burning. I've been up 3 fucking days almost straight trying to master the art of sound. Am I happy with my turnout? No fucking way, everything could be so much better....but I have no training, I've literally taught myself everything I know about this....but people make full on careers out of doing this. I try not to take it personally, but when you've got a guy going "Oh god this sounds absolutely terrible, what the fuck is wrong with the sound?" You take it and try to move on, but that's something I've created, that sound is more than just the recording, it's me in there too, it's me applying what I know to make it sound "good", and I feel like it's a part of me.


It kind of hurts to have something you tried your best on ripped apart over and over and over without even commenting on it sounding "better" than last time :(

Is it "constructive criticism"? You could argue that. But jesus murphy...cut me some god damn slack. I can't even convey in words my absolute disgust at hearing the words oh so nonchalantly "Do we just need a new sound engineer? I'm sure we could find one". I don't think anything has ever been so close to making me want to scream.


You work your ass off, you try to make people happy, you do everything you know and then some, the proverbial 110%. And it's not good enough. Nothing is good enough for anyone.

I try as hard as I can to make EVERYONE else happy,that I don't even know how to make myself happy anymore. Without sounding emo or depressed I just feel broken. And all that's there is myself to pick up my own pieces, but I want help, I write about it all the time but I really want someone there that can help me pick myself up. I'm tired of doing things on my own, there's so much on my plate that I can't get at anything.


I'm sorry I'm such an awful musician.
I'm sorry I have such a poor taste in music.
I'm sorry that I'm not good enough and I fall short of all expectations
I'm sorry I'm like a broken record and repeating my wants over and over
But somethings just don't go away. Who's there for me?


PS: When I say I spent like 6 hours learning, it was more like 25-30. I've been up since the 21st, spending most of that absorbing and learning as much as I could. I feel like Spongebob when he became a waiter.

PPS: I'm probably going say something that I'll regret within the next couple weeks, but it has to get off my chest. I hope you guys are right and that I don't hurt myself doing this, but sometimes you have to just go with what you hope is good and not what others think is good for you. I've asked for help my whole life and I make too many judgments on other opinions. I don't know how many decisions I've truly came to the conclusions 100% on my own.

guess I'll find out?